We were silent

I was silent...

His eyes down... 

How does it really ends...

Would someone shout, "cut" and off t the next scene...

No, this is real life...

He then said... I guess, he thought he needed to say more...

"I never felt that you needed me...?"

I stayed silent... as if I had not heard him... or that it could be construed as I am in complete agreement...

Earlier... he said he have met someone... and that he was nice... and that he felt nice being with that someone... and that he wanted to be with that someone... they have been with each other...

I just nodded... bitterly, I smiled... but I stayed silent...

Not a word from me, I guess he thought he should say some more... or that, he feared the deafening silence... he patronized me... telling me he does not deserve me, I deserve better... it was not me... it was all him...

I never needed him... I don't need him to get by everyday... I don't need him to live... i don't need him to be happy... I don't need him for anything... I just wanted him... him, with all his quirkiness... I never needed him... I just wanted him... I love him that way... not because he was giving me something... I just love him...

And I love him that much... I am not going to stand on his way... I wanted him to be happy... he said he was nice... and that he was happy with him... No, I won't stand on his way...

"I have nothing more to say... forgive me...?"

Hurt... not anger... it should have been instantaneous... I guess I was afraid of that, that's why I stood there silent... hurt... I didn't want to feel anger...

I looked him in the eyes... I knew my eyes wouldn't hide  me wanting to plea for him to stay... I looked away... 

He walked away...

just on top of my head...

If you smoke... or take in lots of medications... like me now, 6 different meds everyday... drink apple or pineapple juice... apple juice would be preferred pero kasi hindi siya ganun ka common unlike pineapple juice... it would enhance the taste...

Hahahahahahahaha...

I don't swallow... I won't even let you cum in my mouth... not in my body...

Ew...! 

Arte!!!

hahahahahahaha..

Pero dami na ako naka-do nun na gusto facial... syempre, pinagbigyan ko...

hahahahahahahahahaha...

To what I know... ewan ko ha... not really sure... HIV won't even be able to survive your saliva much more the acids in your digestive system... HIV compared to other virus is pretty much weakling outside a human body, di siya tulad ng mga ibang airborne virus... yun nga lang kung tipong may open wound ka sa mouth, singaw? yun... but otherwise, correct me if I am wrong... di ka maiinfect... di ko isusugal if I were you... but that is what I know...

This is bad literature, bad literature!!!

I am good in bed... great even... I have reasons to believe that... sabi nila masarap ako eh... hahahahahahaha... and plus the fact that I am versa... not versa-top... not versa-bottom... but versa... but most of the time, I always turn out to be top... and I always yearn to get bottomed... I don't know, something in me yata, screams TOP!!! hmf!!!

Hahahahahahahahahahaha

Pero yun nga, guys... because I enjoy being top as much as getting bottom, I know basically both sides... I know how I want it done... tulad ng...

I want it deep long strokes... alam mo yung ipapasok lahat, then dahan-dahan hihilahin lahat palabas, hangang ga-ulo na lang natira sa loon, then ipapasok ulit ng boung bou... ewan ko lang kung di ka mapahalinghing sa sarap... promise! 

hahahahahahahahahahaha

But the ultimate secret I think for it to be good... is not to have sex... but make love... kahit one night stand lang yan... when you get into bed with someone... kahit group sex pa yan... you make the other party believe, convince him that you love him... you don't say it... but show him... look into his eyes... and make him feel it with how you touch him... show him how much you want him and that you have waited for him your whole life... and that you would be glad to die tomorrow if that is the price of kissing him again...

One thing I have learned... well, di ko gusto yung inuupoan or ako yung uupo... you know... top guy laying on his back, tapos uupo ka sa kanya... di ko trip yun... regardless nga kung ako yung top or bottom... but... if you are to do that... don't just make kembot... young igigiling mo lang katawan mo... minsan nga masakit pagganun eh sa part ng top... what you do is, lift yourself up and down... promise, ewan ko lng kung di mabaliw si top sa'yo!!!

Ayan... sounds dunong dunongan na naman me... hay naku...

Bad literature! Bad literature!!!

Oh, please... repeat after me...

NO, IF NO CONDOM!!!

Kapish!!!

sineryoso ko silang lahat...

Mind you... sure, aaminin ko, I have slept around... jump from one bed to another... loved threesome and group fun... sabi nila malibog daw ako... hmmmmm... hehehehehehehehehehe... I bet they enjoyed it... but I am telling you... never had I cheated to anyone of them... and that i was dutiful boyfriend...

Although yun yata kasi... may mga expectations kasi ako sa mga karelasyon ko, which they fail to meet... actually they are not expectations... para kasi sa akin, given na dapat... given na dapat since tayo eh nagpapaalam ka kung may pupuntahan ka... given na dapat na gusto mo ko makita palagi... or maalala mo akong matawagan... or at least matext man lang... di ba...? small things... pero medyo particular ako dun...

I could actually do without sex... I won't have it... pero kung di talaga pwede, okay lang... I would constantly remind you that I am hot and I could have someone without even lifting a finger... but I would stay faithful... I have always been faithful... until the end...

That another thing... I had always given them that privilege... to end it with me... this despite that never had I initiated a relationship... palaging sila ang nagpursue sa akin, convince me to be in a relationship with them... Yes, ako na si Rapunzel... 

And for some reason, either bottom sila, or versa-bottom... yung charm ko, palaging sa kanila lang... wala nagpropose sa akin before na pure top... ewan... I don't look fuck-able yata... hahahahahhahaha...

My brother got upset...

I was joking about inheritance kasi... nagjoke ako na tatanongin ko na si Papa kung may mamanahin ba kami at kung mayroon eh ibigay niya na... kasi di natin alam 'tong sakit ko, baka next year bigla akong tamaan ng matinding infection at mamatay, di hindi ko natikman ang mana ko... 

Parang si Daddy--uncle ko, asawa ng ate ni Mama... Ang pamilya ni Daddy ang isa sa pinakamayamang pamilya sa probinsya namin... nung namatay yung father nila, sinubukan nila na hingin na ang mana sa mother nila, anyway matatanda na sila... pero nagrefuse yung mother nila, kasi buhay pa naman siya... Eh diabetic si Daddy... nagkacomplication... then he died na di man lang natitikman yung mana niya...

Napaguusapan kasi ang mana... kasi nga may kinakasama na si Papa and I have two half brothers... although malinaw kasi na si Mama ang legal wife, we still don't know... and yun yung isa sa agenda naming magkapatid dapat sa pagpunta sa Davao... eh parang ang hirap pagusapan... paano ba...?

So yun... nagjoke ako ng ganun... birong totoo... kasi we will never know... anytime pwede akong tamaan ng matinding sakit... pwedeng mamatay ako or at least mabedridden ako... galit si brother... ewan ko... well, siguro kasi he have not fully grip my situation, at some point, indenial pa siya... at ayaw niyang pagusapan ang possibility that I might go already...

I think I am okay in going... well, kung oras ko na, oras ko na... and before, palaging hula sa akin, maaga akong mamatay... okay naman ako sa faith ko... and that, I don't think I have done something that warrants eternal damnation... not that I no longer want to live naman... madami pa akong gustong gawin... like I want to travel... I want to see Dubai... I want to experience the Olympics... I want to see Rome... but I have to ready of the eventuality... my family have to be ready of the eventuality...