I'm insane enough to believe everything's going to be okay...

Freddie was so in love with Effy, who was on spiral downward behavior... Freddie have seen this before, his mom... and that he felt his father could have done more to save her... he was determine to save Effy... but as much as he wants to... he realize, he does not have what it takes to help her... he can't help her...

a twit:

"I just heard from a friend that a 21 year old newly diagnosed with HIV commited suicide earlier today. Sad. :("

Kasi what happened to me... last May... I was confined at Medical City, and there someone talked to me... It was Dr. D, convincing me to take the test... that could be considered as my pre-counselling... kasi everything was explained to me... it was explained to me that it is not a death sentence, that the disease  is now like being diabetic or hypertensive... and I was even assured that I would get all the support I need... even get free medication... she answered all my question, privacy clause... everything... so pretty much, from that talk with Dr. D, I know what to expect after the test... a little bit optimistic to my liking... as I said I am insane enough... but I was ready...


Contrast that when I went to RITM and the actual precouseling was done... It was bad... okay, not bad, there was no counseling done, I just answered some questions, fill up a form, and that was it... no encouraging words, o di man lang ako binola na, I would be okay...


So yun...


And then I was hospitalized na... di pa lumalabas yung result nung test... but it was clear na it was positive, that I was positive kasi it was sent to San Lazaro... ganun kasi yun, pagnagpositive ka, your blood sample would be sent to San Lazaro for confirmation, regardless... so, yun, kung sinend sa San Lazaro, alam na... Kaya sabi nila, don't take my word for it ha, pagtumawag ka sa RITM after 1 week of the test and they say tawag ka uulit after a week... more likely daw, positive... it was sent nga kasi sa San Lazaro... but please, don't take it as fact, tsismis lang yan...


Nakaconfine na nga ako... so all the test required was done while I was there... Kasi yung mga iba, most, yung wala naman sakit, they just tested positive, they have to submit to all kind of test... CD4 count--3 thousand... test for hepa... urinalysis... and daming test, that you have to do as out patient... sobrang hassle kaya nun, kastress... pabalik balik ka... imagine me, taga pasig ako, near Marikina ha... tapos ang RITM na sa Alabang... kahit may sasakyan ako 'no... eh commute lang kaya ako...


Not to dishearten... this test kasi are important to know where  you are healthwise...


And then yun, lumabas yung result nung test... and that I was listed nga as HIV+ at RITM and perhaps the national tally... eh I didn't want my mom and pa to know... so everybody was instructed, the nurses, even the doctors, na they can't say anything about my HIV status and even the words HIV/AIDS... and that I refused all post counselling... and it was at a point that I seemed to be indenial, which I was not really... I just didn't want to think about it... at least as much as possible, ayoko muna siyang harapin... because I feel na I have too much on my plate pa... we have too much on our plate pa... it was, if possible sana, we take care of my tuberculosis first, get well muna, before I face my HIV status... so I bottled up everything...


I was not that strong... I actually was diagnosed depressed and was given sleeping pills and antidepressant... it help, specially with sleep, kasi di ako nakakatulog before, I'll close my eyes, blanko lang pero gising ako... what really help me then was people talking to me... mga pinsan, mga tita ko, a pastor... they talked to me... wala lang, kwento lang sila... certainly I was not in the mood to talk about what was bothering me, why am I sad... at least not right away... but them talking to me encouraged it eventually... if hindi sa kanila... probably... kasi I was not eating, kakain ako, isa-dalawang subo... dun talaga nagspiral down yung weight ko... kasi before, I was fighting back, and was determine to recover, regardless... pero this time around... wala talaga akong will to fight... to recover...


Kung di nila siguro ako kinausap ng kinausap nun... baka I might have given up na nga and no longer here...