half awake, half asleep... I think...

I have kicked everything off my bed... my 3 pillows, and 2 blankets... only to realized it cold... maybe not that cold but for me, it was Antarctica...  I start pulling the sheet off my bed to use it as a blanket... it budge a little but I am lying on it... I was tossing and turning... muffled screaming... it was one hell of a night...

I don't know what triggers it... and what calms me down and eventually just go to a deep, peaceful, slumber...

I don't have money... but I have a jar of petroleum jelly...! It is not actually a moisturizer but it help in concealing moisture in the skin... so I wash my face with a facial wash--I managed to afford a sachet--and after pat drying my face, I apply petroleum jelly... I also use it as lip balm...

I do have a bottle of body lotion... my mom sends bottles and bottles of it... I need to now... as, since my immune system is down, I use a sulfur soap which is anti-fungal and bacterial... which is most of the time effective, but does dries skin... I also uses an anti dandruff shampoo...  

For the last 3 years, I have always have my hair cut short, sometimes way too short, since really, I need it wash and wear and not wanting to have hair products and learn a little about hair engineering... but now I think I want to have a long bangs, sort of a bob, only that it is higher, a lot higher in the back and less hair... hmmmm...? Like, having my head shaved but leaving just my bangs... what you think...?

I don't know if I have gained any weight since the last time which is almost a month ago... but I still feel too thin... I wish I could show you a picture of before and after TB... but then... I am contemplating... I feel I owe the world to come out clean... show the world who I am and that I am HIV+... but then, even if I master the courage... I think I still look sickly because I am still too thin... so let's shelf the idea in a while...