I'm insane enough to believe everything's going to be okay...

Freddie was so in love with Effy, who was on spiral downward behavior... Freddie have seen this before, his mom... and that he felt his father could have done more to save her... he was determine to save Effy... but as much as he wants to... he realize, he does not have what it takes to help her... he can't help her...

a twit:

"I just heard from a friend that a 21 year old newly diagnosed with HIV commited suicide earlier today. Sad. :("

Kasi what happened to me... last May... I was confined at Medical City, and there someone talked to me... It was Dr. D, convincing me to take the test... that could be considered as my pre-counselling... kasi everything was explained to me... it was explained to me that it is not a death sentence, that the disease  is now like being diabetic or hypertensive... and I was even assured that I would get all the support I need... even get free medication... she answered all my question, privacy clause... everything... so pretty much, from that talk with Dr. D, I know what to expect after the test... a little bit optimistic to my liking... as I said I am insane enough... but I was ready...


Contrast that when I went to RITM and the actual precouseling was done... It was bad... okay, not bad, there was no counseling done, I just answered some questions, fill up a form, and that was it... no encouraging words, o di man lang ako binola na, I would be okay...


So yun...


And then I was hospitalized na... di pa lumalabas yung result nung test... but it was clear na it was positive, that I was positive kasi it was sent to San Lazaro... ganun kasi yun, pagnagpositive ka, your blood sample would be sent to San Lazaro for confirmation, regardless... so, yun, kung sinend sa San Lazaro, alam na... Kaya sabi nila, don't take my word for it ha, pagtumawag ka sa RITM after 1 week of the test and they say tawag ka uulit after a week... more likely daw, positive... it was sent nga kasi sa San Lazaro... but please, don't take it as fact, tsismis lang yan...


Nakaconfine na nga ako... so all the test required was done while I was there... Kasi yung mga iba, most, yung wala naman sakit, they just tested positive, they have to submit to all kind of test... CD4 count--3 thousand... test for hepa... urinalysis... and daming test, that you have to do as out patient... sobrang hassle kaya nun, kastress... pabalik balik ka... imagine me, taga pasig ako, near Marikina ha... tapos ang RITM na sa Alabang... kahit may sasakyan ako 'no... eh commute lang kaya ako...


Not to dishearten... this test kasi are important to know where  you are healthwise...


And then yun, lumabas yung result nung test... and that I was listed nga as HIV+ at RITM and perhaps the national tally... eh I didn't want my mom and pa to know... so everybody was instructed, the nurses, even the doctors, na they can't say anything about my HIV status and even the words HIV/AIDS... and that I refused all post counselling... and it was at a point that I seemed to be indenial, which I was not really... I just didn't want to think about it... at least as much as possible, ayoko muna siyang harapin... because I feel na I have too much on my plate pa... we have too much on our plate pa... it was, if possible sana, we take care of my tuberculosis first, get well muna, before I face my HIV status... so I bottled up everything...


I was not that strong... I actually was diagnosed depressed and was given sleeping pills and antidepressant... it help, specially with sleep, kasi di ako nakakatulog before, I'll close my eyes, blanko lang pero gising ako... what really help me then was people talking to me... mga pinsan, mga tita ko, a pastor... they talked to me... wala lang, kwento lang sila... certainly I was not in the mood to talk about what was bothering me, why am I sad... at least not right away... but them talking to me encouraged it eventually... if hindi sa kanila... probably... kasi I was not eating, kakain ako, isa-dalawang subo... dun talaga nagspiral down yung weight ko... kasi before, I was fighting back, and was determine to recover, regardless... pero this time around... wala talaga akong will to fight... to recover...


Kung di nila siguro ako kinausap ng kinausap nun... baka I might have given up na nga and no longer here...

Apparently, Cook is inlove with this Effy girl...

So, from the previous episode, when he saw her kissing Freddie, he went on a rampage, brutally beating some random guy... He got arrested for it and was made to live with his drunkard artist mother whom he hates... He was also expelled from school because of it...

Also found out, when Freddie visited him to see if he was okay, that he--Freddie--had sex with his mother when they were fifteen...

His baby brother, who idolized him, got into trouble, making their drunk mom throw a fit, blaming him for everything... Cook lashed out of the house with his brother and just did crazy things... 

But at the end of the day, Cook realized, his baby brother looks up to him and wouldn't want to screw his life like his... he went to surrender and accepted the consequences of his actions...

Just realized, it have been 5 months that I have been smoke free...

I have been confined at RITM for a week already before the doctors figured what was causing my fever then... Yes, it was confirmed that I was HIV+ and that my CD4 count was just 22, but what infected me to cause the fever was not clear... 

And that, during that week at RITM, despite it being prohibited, I was smoking in the room... although not as much... I used to have a pack a day... during my stay, I limit it to 3 sticks... and it was just 2-3 puffs and I was done...

The thing was, my x-ray came out clean... so did the skin test--they inject something in the surface of the skin and they see if it swells or not... it didn't... I have no trouble breathing whatsoever... just that I have observed, the only way to bring down the fever was if I was in an upright position... injecting paracetamol on my IV then doesn't help if I remain lying down... 

They only found out what was causing my fever when the result of the sputum test came about... I was positive on 3 counts of tuberculosis... That was June 3, I remember, it was my birthday and thought that it was my birthday gift... I welcomed it as it was frustrating that I was in the hospital for a week already, throwing up everything I forced myself to eat--didn't have appetite for anything, not even for spaghetti--and having fever that almost run 24 hours, and not knowing what was causing it... at least now, we know what it was and that we know how to try and fix it...

and I knew that I have to totally quit smoking...

It was easier than I thought... I think it was because I was too scared, but I didn't crave for it... I think it also help that none of the people around me smokes... I guess I was lucky in that way... I think I went to withdrawal... I remember breaking to cold sweat and trembling and feeling restless... but nothing "I NEED TO SMOKE!!!" I think my mind was that powerful to block the suggestion of smoking to my body... I didn't crave whatsoever... but I was also careful not to trigger it... like I don't want to drink coffee as I always smoke while having coffee... or I immediately go in my room and lock myself there after meal... I tried not to do things I used to do associated with smoking...

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