I asked my mom for an Iphone...

For Christmas... a few months ago... when I was super sick pa... delirious pa ko nun eh... and syempre di ako mahindian ni mama... and siguro, inisip niya, malayo pa at pwede niya pagiponan... I asked her for it kasi, well, I want an Iphone, sabi ko nga, kahit second hand lang o yung lumang model, I would be fine with it... and second, it was for show... kasi my mom was worried sick kasi sa Dubai... I have to show her that I am okay... that I do have plans to living until Christmas... it assured her that I was to fight back... 

Nasabi na niya sa akin na she wouldn't be able to give me an Iphone for Christmas... Okay lang... I understand naman...

I don't like this weather... actually, my body almost can't stand this weather... lamigin kasi talaga ako... kahit sa beach pagsummer... paggabi... talagang nanginginig ako... grabe, at tipong magkakasakit na ko... panlaban ko na lang... foods... masabaw na food... bulalo... nilaga... sinigang... 

Gusto ko ng bulalo... sa Tagaytay... kahit sabaw lang at yung gulay niya... soysauce na may kalamansi... dami rice!!! 

Takaw ko... kaya di ako worried sa pagcough ko ng blood at yung lagnat ko ng hapon eh... kasi ang takaw ko... actually before din... siguro di ako papa-ospital if kumakain pa ko... eh di na ko kain, at suka ako ng suka... otherwise... hay naku, di ako papaospital... kasi I know, kahit anong inom mo ng gamot kung di ka kumain... no use... mas okay na, kahit wala kang gamot, as long as takaw ikaw... at least, yun yung logic ko...

Anyway, nagbirthday ako sa ospital... I was confined sa RITM May 27... I was release June 10... June 3 birthday ko... It was a good birthday... for the first time my mom and dad was there... so it was saya, and at some point, parang everything was blessing in disguise... sabi nga ni mama, as much as she was so happy for me... para yatang sobra-sobra yung kapalit... kasi I had to suffer so much to have that... a birthday na nandyan yung parents ko... kulang lang talaga yung kapatid ko...

Now,gumising ako ng 12 midnight, woke my mom and told her, kape kami... and that I just want us to sit and share a nice cup of coffee... tipong commercial lang ng kape... my mom freaked out...  kasi daw I looked so serene that night... I was glowing pa daw kasi... specially my eyes... so akala niya, nagpapaalam na ko...

Pero kasi yun lang yung gusto ko... okay na ko dun... well, I always love spaghetti, pero yun... gusto ko ganun lang... and actually, that is what I want for Christmas... I really want my mom home for Christmas... and ganun lang kaming tatlo ng kapatid ko... coffee lang kami sa bed... siguro may bread... I love cheese... so yun... ganun lang... 

Well, I am still open for an Iphone... 

I missed my mom so much... ewan ko, masyado akong emotional lately... well, kasi siguro may realization na kasi ako that life is fragile... baka kasi last Christmas ko na 'to... and, actually, di ko na rin matandaan na nagkasama kami ng Christmas...

So yun... pero medyo di yata pwede... kasi nga we are struggling with money... 

Sad... well, yah... but then as always... palagi lang ikontento... I have my brother...

I do have a great sense of direction...

I need to find a place... I stumble to it immediately, like I know where exactly it is... I'm lucky that way... I was at RITM, OPD Annex was moved, don't know where, but just walked on a general direction and there I was... the same thing happened actually when I went to RITM the first time... that was May... never been to Alabang before... but when I got there, I was told to look for the new firehouse, literally I stumbled on it... nadapa ako as usual ng walang karason-rason and when I look as I pick myself up, there's the firehouse... galing 'no...

I went kasi last night I notice na kounti na lang yung ARV ko... and indeed for 9 days na lang siya, so tipong 1 weeks na lang... eh ayoko naman mangyari ulit tulad nung huli na naubusan ako at tipong laki ng problema... so I decided to go... long due na rin kasi yung need for me to see a doctor... because of my neuropathy and the blood stain on my sputum...

Good thing pa, I went later... I was planning sana to go really early to avoid traffic... like before 6am early... mabuti na lang natakot ako sa lamig tubig pag naligo ako... so I left around 9 na, and arrived at RITM almost 11 am na... buti na lang, kasi there were no doctors available... the doctor only came after lunch... but even so, I was only able to talk to a doctor around 3 pm na... 

Wait... do you maintain a private doctor? Should I maintain a private doctor and just go to RITM for ARV refills? 

Why am I even asking, as if I could afford it...

O sige, out of curiosity...

So I told the doctor about the neuropathic pain... I told her about the last time when I told about the doctor about it, and was recommended to take Vitamin B Complex... I told her that I was taking Neurogen E... but to no avail... so she decided to put me on Gabapentin, which when I check, according to wikipedia:

 "provides significant pain relief in about a third of people who take it for fibromyalgia or chronic neuropathic pain. It is also effective in reducing narcotic usage post operatively and is helpful in neuropathic pain due to cancer. It has not been shown to be useful for HIV associated sensory neuropathy. When used for neuropathic pain it does not appear superior to carbamazepine. Further evidence is needed to determine if it is effective for migraine prevention. It appears to be equally effective as pregabalin and is of lower cost. It does not appear to be of benefit in treating complex regional pain syndrome." 

Sounds promising... she also recommended a Vitamin B complex brand, as it is more concentrated... Neurobion?

I also mention about the blood streak on my phlegm... explaining that I was a TB patient, recovering, I hope... She was a bit concern... but when I explained the circumstances, like I have no shortness in breathe or difficulty in breathing, no fever, no lost of appetite... she was relieved... she think it is just gasgas sa lalamonan... but just to make sure and anyway it was my fifth month of therapy... she wants me to take sputum test...

And then, maybe she just thought to ask, if the family have a history of diabetes, which, yes we do... and she thinks, though I am too young, high blood sugar can also cause neuropathy... so she also wants me to take blood sugar test, I forgot the right term but basically that is another test...

So, I started on ARV around 2nd week of June... My CD4 was done about a week or so before that... so my 2nd CD4 should be around 1st week of December... the doctor noted that... and educated me na malakas magpapayat ang Stavudine... she explained that perhaps the reason why I was given Stavudine before was because I have low hemoglobin... so she ordered, aside from CD4 count, CBC... she also just gave me just a month supply of ARV, since yun nga, next month, I might be given a different combination of ARV...

On Skins season 4, Episode 5: JJ is in love with Lara Lloyd, a fellow employee at a confectionery shop, but lacks the courage to ask her out. Thomas gets JJ to ask her out and she accepts. He visits Lara’s flat and discovers that she is a single mother with a young child. Lara’s ex-boyfriend, Liam, walks in and threatens JJ, telling him to leave Lara and his child alone. The date goes disastrously as a result, and Lara leaves. JJ finds her and they have sex at Lara’s. JJ returns home but his mother takes him to the clinic for more medication. JJ lets Lara meet Naomi and Emily. Upstairs, Emily tells JJ that Lara is using him to get back at her ex. JJ snaps at Emily and makes remarks on her own relationship, reducing her to tears. JJ’s family also think Lara is a slut and she leaves, offended. JJ becomes angry and beats up Liam when he sees him talking to Lara, who then calls off their relationship. JJ apologises to Liam who tells JJ he loves his child and for JJ to look after Lara. JJ serenades Lara with a ukelele version of 'True' by Spandau Ballet, and she takes him back.


On my way home, I pass by Mercury Drug... I took out the prescription for my neuropthy... and have them priced it... Gabapantin is Php29.75 each, a table a day, for 15 days... and the Neurobion is Php17.50 each, a tablet a day, for 30 days... so I was looking at Php446.25, just for the Gabapantin... and if I just get 15 tablets of the neurobion, Php262.50... I only just have Php1500... naiyak ako...


Wala, naawa ako sa sarile ko... wala kasi akong pambili... akala ko kasi matatapos na yung hirap ko... yung sakit... I was so hopeful... pero, yun nga... mahal pala... tapos I started thinking saan ko kukunin yung pambayad dun sa mga test... CD4 alone cost Php3000... as it is hirap na hirap na kami to make things meet... so yun, sa paglabas ko ng Mercury, naiyak na lang ako... try ko pigilan kasi nakakahiya... pero wala... di ko mapigilan... umupo na lang ako sa isang tabi... 


Feeling ko kasi talong talo na ko... and as much as I want to fight back it is either I am starting to believe that it is no use... o pagod na pagod na lang ako...


Syempre drama lang yan... wala naman ako choice but to get up, wipe my tears away, hail a jeep... get home and be crazy again to believe everything is going to be okay...

I'm insane enough to believe everything's going to be okay...

Freddie was so in love with Effy, who was on spiral downward behavior... Freddie have seen this before, his mom... and that he felt his father could have done more to save her... he was determine to save Effy... but as much as he wants to... he realize, he does not have what it takes to help her... he can't help her...

a twit:

"I just heard from a friend that a 21 year old newly diagnosed with HIV commited suicide earlier today. Sad. :("

Kasi what happened to me... last May... I was confined at Medical City, and there someone talked to me... It was Dr. D, convincing me to take the test... that could be considered as my pre-counselling... kasi everything was explained to me... it was explained to me that it is not a death sentence, that the disease  is now like being diabetic or hypertensive... and I was even assured that I would get all the support I need... even get free medication... she answered all my question, privacy clause... everything... so pretty much, from that talk with Dr. D, I know what to expect after the test... a little bit optimistic to my liking... as I said I am insane enough... but I was ready...


Contrast that when I went to RITM and the actual precouseling was done... It was bad... okay, not bad, there was no counseling done, I just answered some questions, fill up a form, and that was it... no encouraging words, o di man lang ako binola na, I would be okay...


So yun...


And then I was hospitalized na... di pa lumalabas yung result nung test... but it was clear na it was positive, that I was positive kasi it was sent to San Lazaro... ganun kasi yun, pagnagpositive ka, your blood sample would be sent to San Lazaro for confirmation, regardless... so, yun, kung sinend sa San Lazaro, alam na... Kaya sabi nila, don't take my word for it ha, pagtumawag ka sa RITM after 1 week of the test and they say tawag ka uulit after a week... more likely daw, positive... it was sent nga kasi sa San Lazaro... but please, don't take it as fact, tsismis lang yan...


Nakaconfine na nga ako... so all the test required was done while I was there... Kasi yung mga iba, most, yung wala naman sakit, they just tested positive, they have to submit to all kind of test... CD4 count--3 thousand... test for hepa... urinalysis... and daming test, that you have to do as out patient... sobrang hassle kaya nun, kastress... pabalik balik ka... imagine me, taga pasig ako, near Marikina ha... tapos ang RITM na sa Alabang... kahit may sasakyan ako 'no... eh commute lang kaya ako...


Not to dishearten... this test kasi are important to know where  you are healthwise...


And then yun, lumabas yung result nung test... and that I was listed nga as HIV+ at RITM and perhaps the national tally... eh I didn't want my mom and pa to know... so everybody was instructed, the nurses, even the doctors, na they can't say anything about my HIV status and even the words HIV/AIDS... and that I refused all post counselling... and it was at a point that I seemed to be indenial, which I was not really... I just didn't want to think about it... at least as much as possible, ayoko muna siyang harapin... because I feel na I have too much on my plate pa... we have too much on our plate pa... it was, if possible sana, we take care of my tuberculosis first, get well muna, before I face my HIV status... so I bottled up everything...


I was not that strong... I actually was diagnosed depressed and was given sleeping pills and antidepressant... it help, specially with sleep, kasi di ako nakakatulog before, I'll close my eyes, blanko lang pero gising ako... what really help me then was people talking to me... mga pinsan, mga tita ko, a pastor... they talked to me... wala lang, kwento lang sila... certainly I was not in the mood to talk about what was bothering me, why am I sad... at least not right away... but them talking to me encouraged it eventually... if hindi sa kanila... probably... kasi I was not eating, kakain ako, isa-dalawang subo... dun talaga nagspiral down yung weight ko... kasi before, I was fighting back, and was determine to recover, regardless... pero this time around... wala talaga akong will to fight... to recover...


Kung di nila siguro ako kinausap ng kinausap nun... baka I might have given up na nga and no longer here...

Apparently, Cook is inlove with this Effy girl...

So, from the previous episode, when he saw her kissing Freddie, he went on a rampage, brutally beating some random guy... He got arrested for it and was made to live with his drunkard artist mother whom he hates... He was also expelled from school because of it...

Also found out, when Freddie visited him to see if he was okay, that he--Freddie--had sex with his mother when they were fifteen...

His baby brother, who idolized him, got into trouble, making their drunk mom throw a fit, blaming him for everything... Cook lashed out of the house with his brother and just did crazy things... 

But at the end of the day, Cook realized, his baby brother looks up to him and wouldn't want to screw his life like his... he went to surrender and accepted the consequences of his actions...

Just realized, it have been 5 months that I have been smoke free...

I have been confined at RITM for a week already before the doctors figured what was causing my fever then... Yes, it was confirmed that I was HIV+ and that my CD4 count was just 22, but what infected me to cause the fever was not clear... 

And that, during that week at RITM, despite it being prohibited, I was smoking in the room... although not as much... I used to have a pack a day... during my stay, I limit it to 3 sticks... and it was just 2-3 puffs and I was done...

The thing was, my x-ray came out clean... so did the skin test--they inject something in the surface of the skin and they see if it swells or not... it didn't... I have no trouble breathing whatsoever... just that I have observed, the only way to bring down the fever was if I was in an upright position... injecting paracetamol on my IV then doesn't help if I remain lying down... 

They only found out what was causing my fever when the result of the sputum test came about... I was positive on 3 counts of tuberculosis... That was June 3, I remember, it was my birthday and thought that it was my birthday gift... I welcomed it as it was frustrating that I was in the hospital for a week already, throwing up everything I forced myself to eat--didn't have appetite for anything, not even for spaghetti--and having fever that almost run 24 hours, and not knowing what was causing it... at least now, we know what it was and that we know how to try and fix it...

and I knew that I have to totally quit smoking...

It was easier than I thought... I think it was because I was too scared, but I didn't crave for it... I think it also help that none of the people around me smokes... I guess I was lucky in that way... I think I went to withdrawal... I remember breaking to cold sweat and trembling and feeling restless... but nothing "I NEED TO SMOKE!!!" I think my mind was that powerful to block the suggestion of smoking to my body... I didn't crave whatsoever... but I was also careful not to trigger it... like I don't want to drink coffee as I always smoke while having coffee... or I immediately go in my room and lock myself there after meal... I tried not to do things I used to do associated with smoking...

Sophie met a girl...

It was on a college open day... she didn't want to be there... she thought everyone's snotty and rude... and then she saw her... she thought she know her... she have seen here before back in school... she recognized her... they went together... she felt things about the girl she hadn't felt before... on the way home she wanted to hold girl's hand... and the girl did...

Naomi sold the drug to Sophie that night... she needed money to buy her girlfriend, Emily, a gift... Naomi told her when Emily started asking questions on why they lied to the police about knowing Sophie and seeing her that night at the club... 

Emily starts to feel guilty about Sophie's death... it was because of her that Naomi sold Sophie the drugs... She went to visit Sophie's home... and there she stumbled on things...

Sophie was obsessed on that girl she met on that college open day... but that girl already have a girlfriend... That girl was Naomi... Naomi's girlfriend is Emily...

I had planned last night to go to RITM... see a doctor... I had planned... I didn't go...