I'm insane enough to believe everything's going to be okay...

Freddie was so in love with Effy, who was on spiral downward behavior... Freddie have seen this before, his mom... and that he felt his father could have done more to save her... he was determine to save Effy... but as much as he wants to... he realize, he does not have what it takes to help her... he can't help her...

a twit:

"I just heard from a friend that a 21 year old newly diagnosed with HIV commited suicide earlier today. Sad. :("

Kasi what happened to me... last May... I was confined at Medical City, and there someone talked to me... It was Dr. D, convincing me to take the test... that could be considered as my pre-counselling... kasi everything was explained to me... it was explained to me that it is not a death sentence, that the disease  is now like being diabetic or hypertensive... and I was even assured that I would get all the support I need... even get free medication... she answered all my question, privacy clause... everything... so pretty much, from that talk with Dr. D, I know what to expect after the test... a little bit optimistic to my liking... as I said I am insane enough... but I was ready...


Contrast that when I went to RITM and the actual precouseling was done... It was bad... okay, not bad, there was no counseling done, I just answered some questions, fill up a form, and that was it... no encouraging words, o di man lang ako binola na, I would be okay...


So yun...


And then I was hospitalized na... di pa lumalabas yung result nung test... but it was clear na it was positive, that I was positive kasi it was sent to San Lazaro... ganun kasi yun, pagnagpositive ka, your blood sample would be sent to San Lazaro for confirmation, regardless... so, yun, kung sinend sa San Lazaro, alam na... Kaya sabi nila, don't take my word for it ha, pagtumawag ka sa RITM after 1 week of the test and they say tawag ka uulit after a week... more likely daw, positive... it was sent nga kasi sa San Lazaro... but please, don't take it as fact, tsismis lang yan...


Nakaconfine na nga ako... so all the test required was done while I was there... Kasi yung mga iba, most, yung wala naman sakit, they just tested positive, they have to submit to all kind of test... CD4 count--3 thousand... test for hepa... urinalysis... and daming test, that you have to do as out patient... sobrang hassle kaya nun, kastress... pabalik balik ka... imagine me, taga pasig ako, near Marikina ha... tapos ang RITM na sa Alabang... kahit may sasakyan ako 'no... eh commute lang kaya ako...


Not to dishearten... this test kasi are important to know where  you are healthwise...


And then yun, lumabas yung result nung test... and that I was listed nga as HIV+ at RITM and perhaps the national tally... eh I didn't want my mom and pa to know... so everybody was instructed, the nurses, even the doctors, na they can't say anything about my HIV status and even the words HIV/AIDS... and that I refused all post counselling... and it was at a point that I seemed to be indenial, which I was not really... I just didn't want to think about it... at least as much as possible, ayoko muna siyang harapin... because I feel na I have too much on my plate pa... we have too much on our plate pa... it was, if possible sana, we take care of my tuberculosis first, get well muna, before I face my HIV status... so I bottled up everything...


I was not that strong... I actually was diagnosed depressed and was given sleeping pills and antidepressant... it help, specially with sleep, kasi di ako nakakatulog before, I'll close my eyes, blanko lang pero gising ako... what really help me then was people talking to me... mga pinsan, mga tita ko, a pastor... they talked to me... wala lang, kwento lang sila... certainly I was not in the mood to talk about what was bothering me, why am I sad... at least not right away... but them talking to me encouraged it eventually... if hindi sa kanila... probably... kasi I was not eating, kakain ako, isa-dalawang subo... dun talaga nagspiral down yung weight ko... kasi before, I was fighting back, and was determine to recover, regardless... pero this time around... wala talaga akong will to fight... to recover...


Kung di nila siguro ako kinausap ng kinausap nun... baka I might have given up na nga and no longer here...

I don't think there was a hired killer...

They contacted one, thus the text messages, but was not able to afford, so it didn't went through... Com'on, the job cost 200 thousand and your down payment was just 19 thousand...? Plus, it was too messy... as per report, the gun shot was not fatal, it was the stab wounds... and why would a hired killer stab the guy, to ensure he was dead...? Why not shoot him again, instead, other than making all that mess... and that was a lot of stabbing, really, so angry...

And if there was a hired killer... I don't think he would have done it in the house... it would have been calculated that he would be alone... and not risking killing other people... like girlfriend... and why was not the sister hurt...?

And why didn't she do anything... like say, screaming for help... calling someone through her cellphone... or perhaps just text message someone...? Why not call the neighbors, or the subdivision security... more so, the personal assistant who was sleeping...?

And now, she left for HongKong... hmmmm...

Katie is Emily's older sister, she went to see a doctor about her period, she thought she was pregnant... she wasn't... but she was on premature menopause... which basically meant she was no longer ovulating... thus she would no longer have babies...

She was devastated and didn't know how to tell it to her boyfriend who was so happy she was not pregnant...

At the same time, their house was being repossessed, making her mother so angry at her father who hid the bank notices... They went to move with Emily and Naomi's...








My brother told me mom and I needed to talk... It was not clear, it was something about Papa marrying the mother of our half brothers... I don't know if Papa contacted her to tell her so but it was something like it have been so long that they have been separated that regardless, Papa have earned to right to remarry again...


Hmmmmm...?


You can remarry after five years of no communication, that you don't know what happened to your spouse and that you have exhaust all effort to find and contact your husband or wife to no avail... he/she is assumed dead then... In our case, it was Papa who left... who abandoned us... who just disappeared on us... so it would be my mom who would have the right to remarry... and even if it was my mom who left... still, Papa would have to prove that he have tried to find my mom and that all effort was exhausted... and this is only used for missing people...


And even if Papa remarry, complete with marriage contract, it would be null and void since there is a first marriage, mom can sue for bigamy... or if something happens to Papa, it would still be mom who would be legally recognized as the wife... which in absence of a last will, would inherit everything...


There is no conjugal property between Papa and my half brother's mom, since they are not legally married... so everything under Papa's name would be inherited by my mom through marriage, including insurance policies...


There is no question about my half brother's claim to any of Papa's property and assets... we have equal rights even if their parents are not married... they are as legitimate as me and my brother since Papa acknowledge them... but it would still my mom, the legal wife, who would inherit everything before us in the absence of a will...


Mom saw it on "Kris TV", I don't know if she misunderstood but apparently, the guest lawyer said they can marry already after living together for 5 years... 

Apparently, Cook is inlove with this Effy girl...

So, from the previous episode, when he saw her kissing Freddie, he went on a rampage, brutally beating some random guy... He got arrested for it and was made to live with his drunkard artist mother whom he hates... He was also expelled from school because of it...

Also found out, when Freddie visited him to see if he was okay, that he--Freddie--had sex with his mother when they were fifteen...

His baby brother, who idolized him, got into trouble, making their drunk mom throw a fit, blaming him for everything... Cook lashed out of the house with his brother and just did crazy things... 

But at the end of the day, Cook realized, his baby brother looks up to him and wouldn't want to screw his life like his... he went to surrender and accepted the consequences of his actions...

Just realized, it have been 5 months that I have been smoke free...

I have been confined at RITM for a week already before the doctors figured what was causing my fever then... Yes, it was confirmed that I was HIV+ and that my CD4 count was just 22, but what infected me to cause the fever was not clear... 

And that, during that week at RITM, despite it being prohibited, I was smoking in the room... although not as much... I used to have a pack a day... during my stay, I limit it to 3 sticks... and it was just 2-3 puffs and I was done...

The thing was, my x-ray came out clean... so did the skin test--they inject something in the surface of the skin and they see if it swells or not... it didn't... I have no trouble breathing whatsoever... just that I have observed, the only way to bring down the fever was if I was in an upright position... injecting paracetamol on my IV then doesn't help if I remain lying down... 

They only found out what was causing my fever when the result of the sputum test came about... I was positive on 3 counts of tuberculosis... That was June 3, I remember, it was my birthday and thought that it was my birthday gift... I welcomed it as it was frustrating that I was in the hospital for a week already, throwing up everything I forced myself to eat--didn't have appetite for anything, not even for spaghetti--and having fever that almost run 24 hours, and not knowing what was causing it... at least now, we know what it was and that we know how to try and fix it...

and I knew that I have to totally quit smoking...

It was easier than I thought... I think it was because I was too scared, but I didn't crave for it... I think it also help that none of the people around me smokes... I guess I was lucky in that way... I think I went to withdrawal... I remember breaking to cold sweat and trembling and feeling restless... but nothing "I NEED TO SMOKE!!!" I think my mind was that powerful to block the suggestion of smoking to my body... I didn't crave whatsoever... but I was also careful not to trigger it... like I don't want to drink coffee as I always smoke while having coffee... or I immediately go in my room and lock myself there after meal... I tried not to do things I used to do associated with smoking...

Sophie met a girl...

It was on a college open day... she didn't want to be there... she thought everyone's snotty and rude... and then she saw her... she thought she know her... she have seen here before back in school... she recognized her... they went together... she felt things about the girl she hadn't felt before... on the way home she wanted to hold girl's hand... and the girl did...

Naomi sold the drug to Sophie that night... she needed money to buy her girlfriend, Emily, a gift... Naomi told her when Emily started asking questions on why they lied to the police about knowing Sophie and seeing her that night at the club... 

Emily starts to feel guilty about Sophie's death... it was because of her that Naomi sold Sophie the drugs... She went to visit Sophie's home... and there she stumbled on things...

Sophie was obsessed on that girl she met on that college open day... but that girl already have a girlfriend... That girl was Naomi... Naomi's girlfriend is Emily...

I had planned last night to go to RITM... see a doctor... I had planned... I didn't go...

I was hesitant on going...

Not only because I would be subjecting myself to so much stress... the heat... the crowd... and it would be a bit of a walk... and with my neuropathy, TB, and my HIV status... so it really was a concern... Other than that, I would be seeing relatives... who have questions... But, at the last minute, I decided to go... I was hungry... 

It was not as bad... there were no relative... they came the days before... and because of the heat, some are planning to go in the late afternoon or evening... Loyola (Memorial Park, Marikina) was not as crowded as years past, there was no problem with traffic and parking... We think it was because it was a long weekend, like our relatives, they went last Sunday or yesterday...

I was able to handle the humidity... we were there round 12 noon to pass 2... we would have stayed longer if it was not for my uncle complaining about a head ache... but on our way to the car we pass by the tiange and there... pirated DVDs... I got two series... "Games of Throne" and "Skins" which I missed was season 4...  was looking for "Walking Dead" but the guy was giving something of I think of a compilation of zombie movies... 

I started with "Skins Season 4"

It is a British teen drama series... highly controversial... with sexuality, drug abuse, and you were once a teenager, you know how things goes...

When we got home, I started on it and the first episode was really promising... 

Thomas was an African Immigrant who works in a club... a girl named Sophie jumps off from the second floor of the club, she was high on drugs... thus the police investigation... and because Thomas works on that club, he was expelled... 

Thomas, feeling guilty, went to cheat on his girlfriend Pandora causing there break up... He thinks it was Cook who sold the drugs to Sophie and when he spotted him and Naomi, he started a fight with Cook which lead Naomi to confess that it was her who sold the drug to Sophie...

Thomas tries to reconcile with Pandora... but Pandora rejected it...

We went to Chiken Inasal in Santolan for dinner... I guess they are not use to of so much people dinning in--well there's a public cementery near by... the service was bad... really bad... tables are not cleared, they didn't get the order right, we asked for soup, we were not given... the barbecue I ordered was cold...

Normally, I bitch about this stuff... but for some reason, this time, I just thought everything was funny... I don't know why...