Saturday, May 21, 2011

it's friday

I was asked to call Friday to check the result. If result is not in, will have to check again the following Friday. It was Friday.

My supervisor's boss called me, Thursday afternoon. Boss J.D. knows me since I was still a hatchling in the program, it was also her whom I am talking to about my leave and which she didn't give me much grief about. The problem was, the medical certificate I submitted indicated only for two weeks and that it was not process. Boss J.D. said she have not seen the certificate. She also told me that my supervisor said that he have tried calling me but I was not answering. I have not receive any miscall from my supervisor and proving so, when Boss J.D. called I answered immediately. The call was that I have a pending return to work order already. I have to go back to work or if I still can't, I have to submit supporting medical documents that will say that I still can't go back to work as I am still sick.

I don't have any document as if you would read back, I was kicked out of Medical City and since then I have not been seeing any doctor and it was only Monday that I went to take the test, which is highly confidential.

I have two options to resolve the issue. I tender my resignation or come clean to them. The thing is, even if I force myself back to work, I would still have to explain why have not been coming to work after my 2 weeks PLA, and why have I not been calling. Where are the documents proving that I am still sick.

I came to the office 3 am. I went to Boss J.D.'s office and there we talked. And indeed, without supporting medical document, she have no choice but to ask me back to work. So, I told her, if that would be the case, I would have to tender my resignation. She was not amiable with that, going as far as telling me that I am one of her favorites. And that she knew there was something. “May hindi ka sinasabi, ano problema? di kita matutuongan kung di mo sasabihin sa akin. (You are not telling me something, what's the problem? I would not be able to help you, if you won't tell me)”.

We always have an open door policy and they took it literally, all our bosses office door are kept open except for important meetings. Boss J.D. closed the door and started crying. I told her what happened when I got confined at Medical City and how my stay was cut short. How I was supposed to go to RITM to get tested but didn't go until just last Monday. I told her everything, I don't want came over me. I guess, since I have not talked about it with anyone, and just keeping to myself, it burst.

After calming me down, she told me that this won't come out but there would be 2 other people that would have to know about this, first would be her boss, the program manager, Boss D.B. and the site director whom I have not met. She message Boss D.B. who was in a meeting. Boss J.D. said that I need to stick around the office as she knows Boss D.B. would want to talk to me personally.

An hour later, I was at Boss D.B.'s office. She knows about HIV, she was after all a nurse and though she have been on the call center industry for quite sometime already and have worked her way up to her position, she have kept herself up to date with the latest with the medical field. She gave me a prep talk, about the importance of support groups, and that it is not the end of the world. I would overcome this ordeal. She said she understand the emotional turmoil that I am having right now, and that she does not want me to be subjected to further stress at work. She granted me a month of Leave and we are to take it from there.

One thing that bothered me, she mentioned that as per the company's code of conduct, I would have to declare, if ever I am, that I am HIV+. She said that all communicable disease should be declared. She explained that I don't have to announce it on the floor, but HR have to know, my supervisor have to know, and if someone asked, I have to tell them.

There is a law against that but I didn't discuss it with her and just choose to shut up about it.

To what I know, understand, in my readings, the initial test would be to check for 2 antibodies. This antibodies are produced by the body if it gets infected by HIV. So, it is the first thing they check, if they don't find any of the 2 antibodies in the blood, it gives a strong indication that you are not infected. And that if it were the case no further testing is required and you are declared negative or I think that term they use is non-reactive. If they find those 2 antibodies on the blood, the blood sample is sent to San Lazaro Hospital for confirmatory testing. So, if I call and my test result is available, chances are, I'm negative or non-reactive, if the test result is not yet available, likelihood is my blood sample have been sent to San Lazaro for further testing.

2:30 pm, I called RITM. The test result is not yet available. The lady I spoke with asked me when did I took the test, I told her Monday, she said it takes two weeks for results.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


The bus trip was pleasant. I was asleep the whole time. And nature didn't bother me much. I usually have to pee every 20-30 minutes but not this time. Of course, I didn't eat anything on the bus, in fear I might make a big mess, but I was okay. We reached Dagupan City by 11 pm. Dagupan usually closes at 8, by 9, the streets would be deserted. So, it is 11 in the evening, I took a jeepney to Bonuan Tondaligan, which is where the beach is.

The Bonuan Blue Beach, even when I was still living there, 10 years ago, have already been polluted. We go there, rent a cottage and drink, but we never swim. You are risking skin problems. But the what I see, it is still people, swimming on the beach peopled, it is 11 pm, perhaps tourist like me—I am already a tourist, it have been years since the last time I was there. I checked in to one of the hotels, I was hoping for a beach view room—I wanted to wake up seeing the sea. But to no avail. The room would cost 1500 for the over night stay, I just went for the 800 econoroom, bed and breakfast. which is a good thing as in the morning, having coffee from the veranda, the view of the sea is covered by trees.

I was hungry, the bell boy said the kitchen is already close, I have to go out for food. Which I did, I was looking for Pigar-pigar, which in direct translation is turn-turn. It's fresh beef and liver, hang for your viewing delight, you order how many kilo you want, they slice it, salt it and stir deep fry on oil and there you go. Actually, I don't know if they put other things on the meat, but to what I know, it is just that. The best way to get it is at the meat market during the night but that would be in downtown Dagupan. And since it is only available at night, I thought I would find one, specially that I am in Bonuan. It was pass 12 already, I kept thinking I am still in Manila. I have to settle for a burger at Burger Machine.

Breakfast was boneless Bonuan bangus. Bonuan boast the most delicious bangus in the country, marked distinctively with one tail shorter than the other. I really don't like bangus, I don't really like fish but it was a nice breakfast. I went to check out at 10, and off I go to downtown Dagupan and get myself a ride to Manaoag.

Manaoag is about an hour and a half away from Dagupan, you have to pass by 3-4 towns. There are jeeps and bus but at that hour bus are minimal. I had no choice but to take a jeep. 30 pesos. Again, I was asleep in the duration of the ride. And there I was, Manaoag church. As soon as I got in the church, and saw her perched on the altar, I stated to break down and cry. I was not able to say anything, I just kneel there and I was crying. I was not able to help it, the feeling was overwhelming I have to cover my mouth not to make so much noise and call attention.

I went out of the church, at the back, so I could compose myself. The back of the church is a park. There you can light candles for prayer petitions. And there is a Rosary trail. There are still a lot of people, pilgrims like me but this is nothing during weekends. You really don't want to go during the weekends.

Also, there is a stair at the back where you can go up, and touch the back of the Lady Of Manaoag. I went there first. After, I went to seat on one of the benches on the park. I thought I should take pictures. But for some reason, I didn't feel like it. I was so hungry, it was pass 12 noon already, thirsty, and I was running a 39.7 temperature as I was seated on that bench facing the rosary trail. One thing about Manaoag, other than Treats and Chowking, no other fastfood chain. No Jollibee, no McDonalds, just locals. I didn't want to eat at Chowking.

I went back to the church and again, I broke down in front, I was sobbing. I know I wouldn't have the miracle I was hoping for, I felt I was not one of the favored children. I was crying for that, and I remember saying over and over again, “Ina... aking Ina... nandito na po ako... (Mother... My Mother... I am already here...)” I sweating and not able to help crying and crying, I was making a scene already and bigger one if I was not covering my mouth with a face towel to muffle my sobs.

For I guess a good 30 minutes, I was crying. Nobody bothered me. They looked at me but no one ask. Calmed down already, the old ladies next to me was praying the rosary. It was in the local dialect, I still speak the dialect fluently, I joined in, answering.

The prayer was done, I checked my watch what time it was, it was pass one. I have not eaten yet, and I have to travel back to Dagupan to get a bus back to Manila. I left when the old ladies left. I was back in Dagupan pass 3 pm, I dined in this quaint little pasta house at the corner of Rizal and Perez Blvd. I ordered fettuccine and a lemonade shake. It was delicious. I bought my lemonade outside, at the table set there to smoke.
While I was smoking, minding my own busines, an old woman approached my table. I didn't understand what she was asking me but it have something to do with my drink. I was not sure if she was asking me if she can have some of my drink, but the next thing I know was she was asking how much was the drink. It was over 100 pesos, I answered which made me embarrassed. The old woman left. I thought I could asked the waitress for a glass of water if she was thirsty, but the old woman was gone. I don't know what you are to make out of this story but that is what happened.

As soon as I arrived at the bus station, just got myself a ticket and as soon as I got settled, the bus left. And again, I was asleep the whole time, not even waking up at the stop overs. It was already SM North Edsa when I gained consciousness. I got off Kamias, took a jeepney ride to Anonas, and there caught another jeepney ride home.

there i was

I ignored that I am at 38.5 and just went.

For some reason, I was not having problem walking. I was running out of breath, this even with a bagpack airport officials wouldn't allow because of the weight. I got off Anonas, walked where I can catch a ride, I should be at Kamias Cor. Edsa. and just as easily, I caught a good bus to Alabang. It was one of those new buses with a good aircon and nice seats. And there were not much passenger so I was left alone as soon as I paid, got my ticket, I slept.

The next thing I know, the bus is swerving on a turn, and outside, it says Sussana Heights. I have no idea where I am so I just stayed on my seat. And then I saw SM Muntinlupa, that's when I got a gut feeling that I am lost. And indeed, the conductor said Alabang and the way to go to RITM is way back. I have to get off, take a jeep back to Alabang, which I saw come plenty. So I went. The jeepney driver was nice to direct me where I can get a ride to RITM. I didn't understand it but I guess it is the thought that counts. I was at junction, said the crew at Jollibee, and he also does not know how to go to RITM, he went to asked, I was asked to walk further to my left and then to my left again, there would be shuttle stations there, just ask.

Lunch was Shanghai Roll, Pineapple Juice, and creamy macaroni soap. I was enjoying the meal, I was half way through it and I was to finish the whole lot. But then, I was half way through suddenly, I coughed, and everything came gushing from my stomach to my mouth and into my plate. It was a mess, I had to get out of there with just my pineapple juice.

I just went to find the shuttle. It was a very short walk, and there I was, the crew failed to mention it was the way to Festival Mall, and there the shuttle were at the side of an orange building. And it is cheap. 40 pesos, another passenger split it with me, so 20 each, but I think I could go alone and just pay the whole 40 pesos.

This was Monday, I texted Bobby, the NGO that was referred by Dr. Ditangko, as soon as I got on the bus to Alabang. Bobby said he is on leave, I remember, it's indeed Monday. I wonder if one of his patient is having a crisis on a Monday?

I also messaged Dr. Ditangko but she only replied “Ok”. Once I am at RITM, I texted her again, asking what now. She messaged me back to go to OPD, which was crowded and look for a certain Ana. I went to asked the guard and I was directed to her. She was nice, very nice, but she have no idea why am I there and that I have to tell her how I met Dr. Ditangko and so there I was for HIV testing. She told me I need to undergo counseling first and I was directed to the second floor, to the nurse's supervisor office and look for another woman. She was alone in the office, so it was no brainer and that she was nice. She told me that indeed she is the nurse supervisor and that she do patient counseling. She had no idea what she was doing.

She is nice, very accommodating but she asked me stupid and irrelevant questions. At the end, I didn't get any counseling. What I got is a consent form that I came for the test voluntarily. I was told to check the result on Friday, if not check again the following week. I told her, I am from Marikina, I can't not just go back and fort just like that. She said, I just need to call. Asked if the results are in, if they are, that's the time I go back to RITM. Everything would be confidential, I was asked for a code, I put my porn name—the street where you were born, and your mother's maiden name.

RITM is not nice inside. The lawn is nice but not inside. And the service, it was bad, really bad. Well, I guess, government hospital. The nurse supervisor sealed my consent form to an envelope and there is another form, I guess the order for the test. It does not say for HIV test, but there was a code again. I was directed to pay to the cashier first to pay. The test is about 450 pesos, once I pay, I go to the lab. There, 3 interns who have no idea what is going on manned the window, there were giggling with not having an idea what to do. I was asked to wait. 30 minutes have pass, the nurse who would extract my blood was back from lunch, it's almost 2 pm.
Government hospital.

I left RITM as soon as my blood was extracted. Left Alabang. I was lucky with buses, it was good bus again. I know I was running a temperature again, as despite the 2 o'clock sun, and walking to the foot bridge to the other side, I was not sweating.

The huge backpack I was carrying was full of clothes. I had planned that after going to RITM, I would be going home to Pangasinan and visit The Shrine of Our Lady Of Manaoag. It have been years since the last time I was there and pay homage, I was hoping for a miracle and I know She is the only one I can run to now.

While waiting for other passengers, I took my thermometer out and indeed, I am at 38.9 degree Celsius and I was having second thought about pushing through going to Pangasinan, from Cubao, it is a 5 hour bus trip. And so I was praying, I was praying that if I reach Kamias—I didn't want to get off Cubao, too much people and a little dangerous and too much walking—and I am not okay, I won't go and just go home in Marikina. I fell asleep again on the bus ride, when I woke up, it is already Cubao and in just a few, I was off Kamias. I was hungry.

I went to Jollibee again. I ordered the macaroni soup again and pineapple juice. Finished everything. Still with a temperature, although lower: 38.1. I got out of Jollibee, I was to go to Pangasinan, but at the parking lot, I started throwing up again. Good thing there were a lot of cars and the mess I was making was concealed. I am usually okay, after a throw up, a bit exhausted, but okay. I crossed Edsa. Catch a bus, didn't bother to seat, told conductor I am to get off at Victory Liner Station.

I think the ticket was 350 pesos. While waiting again for other passengers, I was contemplating if I would be able to stand the 5 hour bus ride. Certainly I would be able to eat, not even drink water as I might throw up and if I don't eat, likelihood, my temperature would go up again. I don't care about the 350 I already paid. And I was praying for what seemed to be an eternity on my seat for a sign if I should get off. Maybe that was the sign. It took almost an hour of wait before the bus finally closed the door and off we started the 5 hour journey.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

You have to understand, I am sick. That is the reason I am not able to go to RITM. I'm from Marikina, RITM is in Alabang. Google it and it will tell you it's too far, go to San Lazaro instead!!! I actually considered that since anyway, I don't think Dr. Ditangko will attend to me personally. she would give on instruction on how to handle my case but not personally. And, I want her but then who I am? She is the head of the HIV department of RITM!!!

But I am still gearing for RITM instead of San Lazaro. Mainly because, I would be on an aircon bus most of the time during the duration of getting there, I could just sleep--I am a call center agent, I acquired the skill to sleep on most adverse situations--rather than taking jeepney to San Lazaro or FX/shuttle which packs you up like sardines inside. Travel wise, RITM is still a better choice. Although to what I am reading, I think confirmatory results would still be with San Lazaro.

I was suppose to go last Friday. Procastination perhaps, I have a valid reason. It was Friday the 13th.

Oh come on, you don't find that as a valid reason!?


What about this, I am still having fevers. Yap, despite being half way through the antibiotic, despite the flanax forte, I still get the fever. Yes, it is almost 2 months. I actually lost count on how many weeks. But I still get the fever. But that is not the worst part, the worst part is I throw up everything I eat. I don't know if it is the medication I take, it just is.

I have lost appetite. I force myself to eat. I know I can't just take in medication, I have to be properly nourish to get well, but how, when all the food I shove into my mouth comes out. I tried to keep it down, but it makes me dizzy and light headed and at that point, I have to force myself to throw up.

Whatever it is, fruit, rice, vegtable, spicy food, sour food. To no avail. All comes out.

Then, I am coughing now. It actually triggers the throwing up most of the time. And that I have chest pain, specially while asleep, and shortness of breath. That is the worst part as I am not able to move much. You see, I am the kind of person who if I could do it on my own, I will do it on my own, I don't normally ask people to do things for me. It is how I was bought up, I want a glass of water, I get up the bed and go get one. 

I am someone, who three weeks ago, with a 38.5 celsius temperature, walked from Medical City to Rosario, smoking. It was the 6 o'clock rush, no cab will take me, bus and jeepney are full, and traffic is at it's worst. I had no choice but to walk and so I did and I was fine. Now... just a few steps and I would be catching my breath. I try to push through it but to no avail.

 I have relationship with my God, I am Catholic. I think I have written about this on previous entries. And I keep praying and praying to Him, but He have not heard any of my prayers. I am not even asking Him to make me well anymore. I'm just asking Him to forgive all my sins, take care of my mom, and a quiete and peaceful passing. I'm just asking God to let me die on my sleep.

Not that I no longer want to live, just that I don't think I deserve this much suffering. Okay, maybe I do. I am asking forgiveness for whatever it is that made me deserve this, why can't He just forgive me and end everything?

I can't do this anymore...

Saturday, May 14, 2011


Of course, I will test positive! Ano naman, anak ng diyos (what, a son of a god)?! I think even Thor will test positive if he had as much sex as I did. Why just a few nights ago, I went to unprotected foursome.

I know-I know-I know!!!

Well, I thought there were signs. Signs that it would be okay. That there was a go signal from up above. My temperature just went down and I was feeling okay. And then, well, I was constipated for a couple of days already, and suddenly, I defecated. Just like that, no struggle, just as soon as I seat on the toilet, there I was, unleashing all the bad elements in the world...

Plus, the guy was cute, the one who invited me. And he was talking about considering something serious with me. I didn't fall for it, I am not stupid... Okay, I am. But, it was nice, and that we are a match. The same age. Same height. Lives near, works near. Both, versa. So went the exchange of messages via planetromeo and at the end decided to exchange numbers.

At the back of my head, I knew it was a temptation, a test. You see I was bargaining with God. I was praying, asking Him to make me well and that if I get well, I would no longer have sex with just anyone, just because. Note, I just not going to have casual sex with random men, not have sex anymore. I made a provision that I will only have sex with someone I love and whom I have a meaningful relationship with. I knew, at the back of my mind, that it was test and I failed miserably.

Another thing, and maybe I should not be writing about this as it would be too embarrassing but hey, we don't know each other.

Lately, I am having trouble getting it up. Unlike before, I accidentally rub it against something and there it is, a bulge in my pants. And I can't decide if it is physical or psychological. Physical, I think, because I usually wake up with a hard on, not anymore. Psychological, as I do manage to get it up but it is a bit of a struggle, even with a hot porn on and I am not able to sustain it.

I thought I need “inspiration” and a foursome would do the trick. And it did at some point. If I am the center of attention, I get really hard but it dwindles. It was a hot session. Very hot. I won't go on to details but 4 good looking guys with great bodies, all versa, just imagine the possibilities.

Here is the fun part. When I got home and went to the bathroom to clean up. My ass was bloody. It worried me. I am bleeding inside. I am being punished. I went to google it. And well, it was bright red, so it will be on the rectal wall, not further inside. If it were further inside, the blood will be darker. My ass got strain probably with all the fucking I got, and wounded me and so the blood. But from the initial shock of a penetration, it was not painful. I thoroughly enjoyed how the other guy fucked me, not the guy who invited me. They were the only two who fucked me. The other guy, he didn't seemed to like me. Good thing, he have a huge tool, the two made me bleed, what more if he had fucked me?

Thursday, May 12, 2011


There was something wrong... with how I was treated at Medical City...

I don't know, it is just bugging me... The second time I went there, I was given a bed, mainly because when I walked in the emergency room, I was with a 39.5 celsius temperature... and a resident doctor attended to me, ordered a cbc and xray... and again, she didn't find any focus... this despite there were things that are not normal in my cbc reading... like my Hemoglobin being low... well, she noticed that but so are other things, which I observed was the basis of the first doctor to say that I have a bacterial infection and thus prescibed me antibiotics: Unasyn... but I still get the fever, everyday, which I actually goes down after I take medication... Alaxan FR...

Now this Doctor taking her residency that attended to me, ignored the other blood component and was just focusing on my anemia... which can easily be explained as me working at night... she wanted to admit me, I declined, she let me go with just a prescription for paracetamol... just paracetamol... I don't know why as when I checked the CBC result, comparing it with the previous CBC, and it pretty much yielded same result... so I don't understand why no antibiotics... she also advised me to see an Infectious Desease Specialist, which I later found out meant an HIV specialist... she assumed I am HIV positive... which she passed on the next doctors the following week when I was back with a 39.5 temperature again...

I agreed to be admitted this time... and while I was waiting for a room at the emergency room, blood was drawn out of me for CBC, and blood culture, also x-ray... and urinalisys... was charged for it... but my HMO took care of it...

The thing was, I think because of that doctor taking her residency assuming I was HIV + and passing the information to the other doctor's, like Dr. Ditangco and the attending physician... which jeopardized my HMO coverage... and when I asked about the results of the test--CBC, blood culture, urinalisys... and even my xray, my attending physcian said she didn't work it up becuase I am suspected as HIV+...

I think that was the part I got screwed... they ignored all the test...

Well, it's one thing that I maybe HIV+... but it is also another thing having fever everyday... yes, it could be assumed the reason I am sick is because my immune system is down...

not yet +

Perhaps your thinking, since the last entry was me saying I am to finally to go to RITM (Research Institute for Tropical Medicine) to take the HIV test... That indeed I tested positive and that I am all depressed and so I have not been updating...

Well, guess what, I have not been to RITM... yet... hmmmm...? Why not, I have no idea...

I will admit if I were scared, it is perfectly normal to be scared. And, I am... But, it's not that... it is more of... I am from Pasig, near Marikina... and RITM is way over in Alabang... I don't even know where Alabang is... how to get there...

So here I am... still with everyday fever dispite the antibiotic I was prescribed by Dr. Ditangko and worst... You see, I lost appetite... But I know I have to eat... So, I force myself to eat... I command myself to eat... and that I eat... But since, I got home from the hospital... for some reason, I vomit everything I eat... I tried to keep it down, and I could... but the problem with that is that it makes me feel light headed and dizzy... then it triggers a fever...

So after vomitting, I end up eating some crackers instead so I can take my medication...

I really don't know what to do anymore... perhaps, I really need to go to RITM already and take the test and if I turn out to be positive, they will give me some medication to strenghten my immune system and thus taking care of whatever this is that is causing my fever...

I don't know... I really just want to give up... well, I have been to the doctors, I was prescibed medications, I took the medications and follow the instruction carefully and still here I am... I lost my appetite, I force myself to eat... I force myself to eat but I vomit everything I eat...

Friday, May 6, 2011

fix my life

I left the hospital Tuesday morning, I was home by lunch. I messaged Dr. Ditangco, telling her what happened, how my attending physician didn't want to release me the same night and that I have to waite in the morning. And that, I needed more time, I told her that I will definetely take the test, but I need at least few days to gather strenght.

I also did message Bobby. He said he was on leave. I really don't think I need his help. Arrogance. There are alot of things I need to know about the condition. But, I guess, I will find out soon enough.

I decided today will be the day. I am to take the bus to RITM. And get myself tested. I don't know if Dr. Ditangko will be attending to me personally. I hope. I guess not. She is apparently one of the department heads at RITM, she handles HIV infections. So, really, I don't think so. Still, I messaged her to informed her that I am coming. She said, I should go to the OPD, talk to the nurse on duty or doctor and have them call her. So, that's that.

This is me. I have aphrensions but not really falling apart scared. I'm still scared. But it is well kept under wrapped. I know it won't help, if I let my fear run me over. I am trying as much as I can to handle this logically and more sensibly.

I need to fix my life.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

die now

What is so interesting and perhaps disturbing, both doctors keep reiiterating to me that HIV now is very common, and that I have nothing to worry about. Well, Dr. Ditangco explained to me how HIV patients are spoiled with all the support that they are getting, I could have someone pick me up and bring me to RITM in Alabang with no extra charge. Medication would be all for free. Diabetics and Hypertensive doesn't have the same previlliage. Knowing if I am HIV+ or not can spell the difference of having a quality and healthy life, not to mention longer.

Nung college days ko, may tumingin sa palad ko--palm reading. I was told my life line would be short, I would die young. I don't think I have problem dying. May mga bagay na gusto ko pang gawin but, ako kasi yung klase ng tao na pilit kinukuntento ang sarile sa kung ano mayroon. Don't get me wrong, maluho ako, kung afford naman, bakit hindi. Pinagtrabahoan ko naman ang perang gagamitin ko. Di naman masyadong luho. Mahilig lang ako sa damit at bag. Tipong, kasama mo ko sa mall, nalingat ka lang, may shopping bag na ko. Di naman mamahalin bag, kung ano nga lang afford ko, mga local brands. Pinakamahal ko ng bag eh yung Nike na gym bag, 4 thousand. Yung mga iba, 500, isang libo, mga ganun lang. Kahit t-shirts, yung mga local brands lang, walang tig-isang libo. Ni wala nga akong Levis na pants eh. Kahit sa shoes, di ako mahilig sa shoes kasi mahirap akong hanapan ng size. Not because my feet are big, but they are freakishly small. Pinakamahal ko na shoes is yung chucks na pink. Yes, pink talaga, baby pink. Bakit, malandi ako eh, sigurado ako sa sexuality ko.

Anyway, na side track, sorry naman, pero yun nga. Wala naman akong long term plans. Nung pumasok ako sa call center, di ba may question na ganyan, binola-bola ko lang siya. Eh di naman yung sagot mo yung tinitignan, but like in a beauty contest, it how you answer your question. No long term plan, di ko alam saan ako after 5 years, just living every day. Ang dasal ko nga whenever I start my day, "Lord, help me get through this day trumphantly, blessed me and my family with peace, good health and hapiness. Lord, bahala Ka na sa akin." I don't ask for anything. Kahit anong endevour mayroon ako, kahit may problema sa opisina, game ako, bahala Siya sa akin. Tatangapin ko lang and move on. Di naman sa perpekto ako, nung nanakaw ang laptop at Iphone ko, sinungkit sa bintana ng kwarto ko, nagtampo ako, di talaga ako nagsimba ng ilang weeks. Eh paano,  di ko nilalabas ng bahay ang laptop ko, pumapasok ako ng walang phone kung alanganin uwi ko. Tapos, mananakaw. Sa loob ng bahay namin? Sa loob ng kwarto ko? Di ba, bad trip!!!

Nagsimba na lang ako nung napalitan ko na yung laptop at phone ko. December nun eh, katatangap ko lang ng 13th month pay ko, yung ginamit ko na magdown for laptop, 5 months to pay. Then, mumurahing cellphone, Nokia C3. Inisip ko na lang kailangan ko na rin kasi magupgrade. Yung nanakaw na laptop is win xp pa, limang taon na. And di ko siya papalitan, hanga't di siya nagsasalitan para murahin ako. May smart error na nga ako pag boot up eh. So okay na rin.

Yes, every week akong nagsisimba, every sunday. Or, at least, I try to. So as much as possible, kinukuha kong off eh wala akong pasok ng Sunday, or last day ko yung Sunday. At tinatapos ko siya, hanga't di binibigay ng Pari ang basbas na humayo, I will be one of the last people to leave. Except lately, with the RH Bill being incorporated on the sermon and dun sa huli na may prayer about it. Yun siguro, pinaparusahan ako ng Diyos. Sabi siguro ng Diyos, "Pawalk-out-walk out ka, wala ka naman conviction sa issue, di ka naman nagcocondom palagi! Ipokrita!"


Wala akong maiiwan. Worried lang ako sa mom ko. Ito ngang naconfine ako at sinabi sa kanya, tawag siya ng tawag. Nasa emergency room ako at 39.5 yung lagnat ko, tawag siya ng tawag. Nasabihan ko nga siya na wag makulit, nagtampo! Well, the reason why I called her was I think she have the right to know, na nasa ospital nga ako at icoconfine ako. Alam ko na wala siyang magagawa at nasa abroad siya at nasa Pinas ako. Ininform ko lang siya, dapat di na. So yun, tinawagan niya yung Tito ko na wala rin magawa, tatanong siya bakit walang naghatid sa akin, kung bakit wala akong kasama, kung bakit di pa umaalis yung isang pinsan ko para puntahan ako. At nagsumbong siya, sinabihan ko siya na makulit siya, hurt si mother, eh nakukulitan din Tito ko sa kanya, so sinabihan din siya na makulit nga siya, natameme tuloy siya. Hehehehehehehehehe. Tinawagan ko naman siya when I got settled in the room telling her na she does not have to worry about me, pero syempre, nanay. Oras-oras pa rin tumatawag.

Siya, medyo worried ako how she would take the news na patay na ko, kung sakali. Pero when my lola died, her mom, she took it rather well. Pero old naman na kasi si Lola and we were expecting it na, she was expecting it na. Pero ako, I don't know, baka di niya kayanin. Magpapalibing siya ng anak. Medyo, masyado yatang masakit yun.

Other than my mom, wala naman na ko maiiwan eh. Wala ako karelasyon. Wala akong anak. Walang taon umaasa sa akin. Pagnamatay ako, wala lang. Ang dami ko basura. Sandali, dapat na ba ako gawa last will and testament? Parang mayaman?! Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

Gusto ko icremate ako. Or, kung ibuburol ako kasi mahal magpacremate, ayoko ng na kabarong tagalog o ano man pormal-promalan. Polo shirt siguro, yung pula na polo shirt ko na galing F&H! Syempre, di papayag nanay ko, feeling ko lang, pero naman, hoping. Sige was na jeans, may mga slacks ako na magaganda. ganun lang. Jacket siguro, tipong papasok lang ako. Hehehehehehehehehehe.

May bibili kaya kung ipa-ukay ko damit ko sa burol ko? Magaganda kaya mga t-shirt ko pati mga brief ko. Pantustus sa libing. Kasama mga bag ko, ang dami ko bag! Other than that, wala ako masyadong gamit, wala ako properties. I'm so poor. Gadgets: laptop, phone, shuffle, and an old digital camera, isama na natin eletric fan ko. Malamang, kukunin lahat ng kapatid ko yang mga yan. Yikes! Makikita niya lahat ng M2M porn ko!!! Hehehehehehehehehehehehe. Ah, leave ako instruction na kailangan magreformat muna bago gamitin laptop, kungdi mumultohin ko sila!

Other than that, wala naman na silang mahihita sa akin. Wala akong utang. Dapat kaya, mangutang na ako ng mangutang? Hehehehehehehehehehehe

Enteric Fever

So, I agreed, wala naman ako choice at sa totoo lang, gusto ko na umuwi. Di kasi ako makakilos dun sa IV. naiirita ako. Wala pa ako laptop, pwedeng magdala, pinapadala ko nga eh. May wifi din, kaya lang yun nga. Kailangan ko ng umuwi. So prepare ng mga nurse a release ko, inalis yung IV ko, and I went down to settle the bill. It would be covered by my HMO, may minimal fee lang charge to patient. Kung wala akong HMO, the bill went up to twelve thousand pesos. Pero dahil may HMO nga ako, eleven pesos lang binayaran ko, natawa nga ako eh.

Pagakyat ko, sabi ni nurse, pinagiistay pa ko nung isa ko pang doctor, yung attending physician ko daw. Gusto daw muna niya ko makita in the morning. Nag-okay naman ako pero nagkatalo kami nung sabi ibabalik yung IV ko. Ayoko! Pinayagan naman, wala naman na daw injectables na gamot, puro oral na lang daw gamot ko. So yun. 

Tapos cute yung pumalit na nurse. Hehehehehehehehehehehe. Pero di ko nilandi. Lalandiin ko eh suspected HIV+ ako. Tsaka di pa ko naliligo, naghilamos lang ako at punas. May shower naman yung room ko na provided by HMO. Maganda yung room. Malinis. Parang nagcheck in ka lang sa motel, mas maganda pa nga eh. Kaya lang kasi nilalagnat nga ako, tapos walang twalya. Probably I could have asked pero wala din ako toiletries na dala.

Anyway, nakatulog naman ako ng maluwalhati. Bumisita yung dalawa kong friend sa opisina, katatapos lang ng shift nila, inutosan ko silang ibili ako ng kape sa Starbucks at kung anong makakain. So okay ako, walang lagnat. Then may pumasok na doctor, I assumed, kasi naka white gown siya eh, pero wag ka, naka-dress ng violet na above the knee siya, parang magpupunta, o galing sa gimik si doc. alas 7 pa lang ng umaga, mukhang nakapagpaparlor na ang lola niyo pati hair eh nakatis na. She is about in her late fortys or early fiftys siguro, and she have the air of confidence and authority on her. Kasunod niya mga younger doctor, mga resident niya siguro. Sabi nga nung dalawang kaopisina ko, nakasabay nila sa elevator yung doctor na yun at siya lang yung ginood morning.

She have a piece of paper on her hand, and she asked, at first, yung 2 kaopisina ko to step out muna, then decided, pati yung mga residents niya. So, kami na lang dalawa.

She explained to me that she was the one who refered me to Dr. Ditanko and that she understand that we had an agreement about me going out of Medical City and seeing her. I can't say if she is angry about it or not but she was very stern. Not scary, just very stern. Unlike Dr. Ditangko who is very warm and motherly. She told me that my imunne system is compromised, very much what Dr. Ditangko explained to me. And that indeed, if she work me up and that I do come out as HIV +, they will not cover it. I assumed she is very well connected to my HMO, likely, she was a doctor from my HMO. She gave me the choice, if I stay she said she and her team will do everything but if I turn out to be HIV+, I will have to shoulder everything and it will be very expensive. My bill last night, not even 24 hours stay, was 12 thousand pesos. I won't afford anything. So, I was to leave.

She understand, she said she would follow Dr. Ditangko's findings. Dr. Ditangko just reported that I have Enteric Fever, Thypoid. They will stick to that story and they will cover it now. So, indeed I left.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

doctor-doctor, i am sick

Then a doctor came in, mga alas-3 na 'to. Nagpakilala siya, Dr. Ditangco, and that she is the Infectious Disease Specialist. 

"Alam mo na, kung bakit ako nandito," I think she assumed. I have no idea, so sabi ko not really. Medyo stupid thinking back kasi, doctor siya, may sakit ako, nasa ospital kami, di ba? "Wala ka talaga idea?" tanong ni doc, to which I shook my head, "Usap nga tayo," sabay upo dun sa long sofa. 

She was nice, very motherly, warm. And, she sat down to really talk to me.

Apparently, they suspect my immune system have been compromised and therefore, they suspect that I am infected with HIV. I fit the profile and they can't find any other cause of my fever but the possibility of HIV. And that I should get tested for it. She was there to convince me. 

Prenesent niya sa akin ang problema. Yung hospitalization ko will be covered by my HMO na galing sa company that I work for. My HMO will not cover HIV caused illness, so if I get tested there sa Medical City, and turn out to be positive, di nila icocover ang hospitalization ko, worst, they will report it to the company, which I am guessing will frown on it. Ang galing bang mangumbinsi ni doc? hehehehehehehehehehe... Parang magpatest ka, malalaman mo na HIV + ka, tapos magbabayad ka ng malaki sa hospital bill mo, tapos mawawalan ka ng trabaho, Yipee!!!

I will know...
"And you can do something about it," sabi ni doc.

Inexplain niya na it is no longer a death sentence. Walang cure, sure, but so is diabetes and hypertension. And that it is very common now. So ganun lang, katulad ng diabetes at highblood, magmemaintenance lang. Mabuti pa nga daw ang HIV + kaysa sa mga diabetic at hypertensive, kasi libre gamot. Spoiled nga daw sila. I am to continue living a normal life, basta I take the maintenance at wag pabayaan. That is the reason, kung bakit importanteng matest ako. So, kung magpositive ako, we can do something about it and continue to have a quality life. Madami daw siyang paseyente na HIV+ but are living a quality life, looking healthy, walang health issues.


But still, my job will be in jeopardy! Waite, I hate my job. Waite, wala pala akong pambayad sa ospital.

She took that in consideration na, sanay na si doc sa ganitong usapan. ipaparelease na daw niya ko, will give me a certificate na I have Enteric Fever and that I needed 2 weeks rest for the office, and I will have to come to see her at RITM in Alabang to get tested, everything will be in absolute discretion, walang makakaalam.

Pagkarinig ko ng Alabang, nadiscourage ako. Ang layo ah!

Binigyan niya ko ng number, Bobby daw, NGO. I could talk to him over the phone, have him come over, or text lang. I could even ask him na sundoin ako, dalhin ako sa RITM at ihatid pauwi. 

Di pa rin ako masyadong convince, then she dropped the bomb!

"They will perform series of test on you, and those test will cost a lot, and that if it points to you being HIV +, your HMO will not cover it and that you will be charged for teh hospital bill."

Simply put, wala akong choice but accept her offer.


Naobserve ko lang. Natritrigger ang pagtaas ng temperature ko kung nagugutom ako and if I am lying down. Actually, mabilis bumaba ang lagnat ko pagnakaupright position ako at pagkakain. The thing is, wala akong gana kumain. Nauutosan ko lang sarile ko na kumain. And every since kasi, wala akong in between meals. breakfast, lunch, dinner lang talaga ako, behirang behira akong magmerienda. And that there are certain periods of time na di ako nakakaramdam ng gutom, malalaman ko na lang na gutom na ko pagnagstart ang migraine ko. Guys, take note, call center agent ako, monthly nababago schedule ko, so yung body clock ko, pabago-bago din, hindi normal ang oras ko, like right now, breakfast is at 3 am, my lunch will be 7-8 am... dinner ko 12 noon. So minsan, di ako nakakaramdam ng gutom, bigla na lang sasakit ulo ko. And I also observed, all through out this ordeal, di sumasakit ang ulo ko.

So, I know the trick kung paano pataasin o pababain ang temperature ko. The only reason na kung bakit despite me knowing this is wala akong ganang kumain. Balik work dapat ako ng Tuesday morning. Eh ayaw ko pa pumasok. Sobra ang pressure sa opisina eh. Before this, I am just dragging myself to work, at di lang ako makapagresign at pilit na kinukumbinsi ang sarile ko na mahal ko ang trabaho ko kasi it pays well, it is what put food on my table. So, Monday morning, di talaga ako kumain at nung tumaas na lagnat ko, di ako uminom ng gamot, puro tubig lang hangang tumaas ang temperature ko ng 39.5. When it came to that point, yun naghilamos ako, at nagbehis and went to Medical City, dalawang jeep din. Bilib kayo, at that temperature, nakakapaglakad ako. Wala akong hilo, kahit nung nasa jeep ako, mainit lang pakiramdam ko at di ako pinagpapawisan, kahit ang init-init, alas 10 na kaya yun.

Emergency nanaman ako. By the way, ang out-patient ng Medical City sa ER tinatangap talaga. So, kahit nung first time ako punta dun, at okay ako, ER pa rin ako. Pero ito nga kasi, 39.7 ako pagdating ko dun, so wheel chair nanaman, hatid sa bed, IV, inject ng paracetamol. Order ng CBC at blood culture at urinalysis, then sabi nila confine na nila ko. Pumayag na ko. Text ko yung pinsan ko na may baby na 1 year old para pumunta saglit para ibili ako ng food. Kasi all through out, gutom na gutom na ko, uhaw na uhaw pa. Humihingi ako ng kahit tubig lang, walang nagbibigay sa akin, they are so damot.

Iniwan ng pinsan ko yung baby niya, pinabantay niya muna sa isa ko pang pinsan, mabait naman yung baby, naiiwan sa crib. Pinabili ko lang siya ng lunch namin. Kumain kami, then pinauwi ko na siya. Kasi di rin ako sanay na may kasama sa room. Sabi ko kasi, matutulog lang ako, nakakatayo naman ako at nakakapaglakad, medyo limited nga lang kasi naka-IV ako, pero I am okay.

The problem is, wala nga kasi ako gana kumain, and though naubos ko naman isang cup ng rice, gutom ako all through out at gutom pa rin ako after hatiran ako ng merienda ng hospital, ginataan mais, which was good, pero still gutom ako. Bumaba lagnat ko to 38 pero that was it. Gutom kasi ako all through out for some reason. 

everyday fever

Nung una kasi, akala ko, magkaka-ubo't sipon lang ako. Tipong, ang galing ko naman kung di ako uubohin o sisiponin, lalo na at dun sa schedule, ang out ko alas-dose ng tanghali. Mangagaling ako sa super ginaw na opisina na kahit nakajacket ka, dama mo ang lamig, lalabas ako sa super init na tanghali, maglalakad pa ako sa ilalim ng araw para makasakay at makauwi. So, ganun, pagdating ko ng bahay, na mainit din, yung kwarto ko pa, kulob, walang ventilation, feeling drain na drain ako dahil sa init, matutulog ako, then yun na. Lalagnatin na ko. Nung una mawawala rin siya, no medication, gigising ako mga 4pm, okay na ko, gutom nga lang... kakain ako, exercise ng kounti habang nood ng TV. Then tulog ulit hangang 1:00 am, pasok ko kasi 3 am, at sa lahat ng ayoko, yung nagmamadali... banyo pa lang, halos 1 hour na ko eh... I want to be in the office 30 minutes before my log in time. Yan ang routine ko, diretso bahay ako from the office ever since. Di ako lumalabas o gumigimik o tumatambay pa kung saan, pagtapos ng shift ko, impuntu, I'm out of there!!!

So, pagdating ng off ko, dyan, lalabas at lalabas ako. Gigimik. I will define what gimik is to me on later entries. For the mean time, ito muna.

I was okay, lalagnatin ako after shift and I though kasi I subject myself sa sobrang init and perhaps true, yun yung dahilan kung bakit ako nilalagnat. Malapit na ko maheat-stroke. Masyadong nastress yung katawan ko, take note, tanghali yun, di pa ko naglulunch so gutom din.

I won't say it was getting worst, pero nagbago ng time slot, which coincided with my work schedule. Bumababa naman siya after kung magtake ng medication, I take Alaxan FR. Bilis ng effect eh, in 30 minutes, pagpapawisan ako and I will be okay the rest of the day. Pero nagaabsent na ko, kasi feeling ko stress related kasi siya. But the fever went on. Nung 3rd week na, naisip ko iba na 'to. Dengue was the first thing that came to my head. So pacheck up ako, nagorder yung doctor ng CBC (Complete Blood Count), okay naman. My Platelets are up, at walang nakita si Doc, wala nga siya resita eh, inom lang daw ako ng paracetamol, she approved of Alaxan FR...

4th week, ganun pa rin ako. Lalagnatin ako, inom ako ng Alaxan FR, pagpapawisan, then okay nanaman ako. Take note, wala akong ubo o sipon. Normal sa akin ang may plema sa umaga. I smoke, lately lang lumabas yung smoker cough ko. I decided na magpacheck up ulit, this time sa Medical City na. 

When I went there, okay ako. Walang lagnat. Sinabi ko lang problema ko na yun nga, 1 month na ko naglalagnat. Nagorder si Doc ng CBC, X-Ray and Urinalysis, and not wanting to give up, lastly, nagorder ng Malaria test. Well, negative ako for Malaria, may chest X-Ray and Urinalysis came out clean, din. Yung CBC ko, medyo may nakitang component sa blood ko na above normal which the doctor interprets as bacterial infection. So resita ng gamot, antibiotics: Unasyn, twice a day for 6 days. Mahal, super mahal!!! Then Flanax Forte, twice a day din, pero for 3 days lang. Bilin ni Doc, kung di bumuti kalagayan ko in 3 days to go back. But if I turn out okay, just continue taking the antibiotic. 

Effective si Flanax Forte, I was okay for 3 days, pero pagstop ng 3 days, we are back. So, bumili ako ng additional Flanax Forte and just continue it with the antibiotic. So that is another week, balik Medical City ako, this time with a burning temperature of 39.5. Whineel chair pa ko pahatid sa higaan sa emergency room, inIV ako at pinadaan dun yung paracetamol na injectable. The last time I was hospitalized was batang bata pa ako, grade 1-2 yata. Convulsion. Di alam ng nanay ko na nilalagnat na pala ako, paguwi galing school, diretso ako sa kwarto, natulog, paggising ko nasa ospital na ako. Nakita na lang daw nila akong nakataas ang kamay at nanginginig. Di ko na masyadong maremember pero may truma ako sa IV. May iniinject silang gamot sa IV na super sakit na pilit kong tinatangal ang IV ko. So nung sinabi na yung nga kakabitan ako ng IV, ayoko. Pero mapilit si Doc, nagsumbong si nurse eh. Nagorder ng X-Ray at CBC. Suspect was tuberculosis, I am a smoker after all and yung una ngang CBC, it is bacterial. But it came out negative and ang lumabas lang daw sa CBC ko was I am anemic, mababa hemoglobin count ko. So, di daw mahanapan ng focus. Gusto ni doc iadmit ako for further testing and observation. I said no.

Ayoko magpaconfine. Una, magisa ako. Pangalawa, ayoko lang. Sabi ni Doc, kung ayaw ko daw paconfine, magconsult daw ako with an infectious disease specialist. Then, nirelease niya ko with 38.2 temperature with prescription of paracetamol and a med cert advising me to rest for 3 days. 

I took the 3 days rest advise, dumiretso sa off ko, balik work sana ako ng tuesday morning. 5 days yun na nasa bahay lang ako. ganun pa rin, lalagnatin ako, inom ng gamot, okay na ulit ako, game on. 

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