Casually +

You have to understand, I am sick. That is the reason I am not able to go to RITM. I'm from Marikina, RITM is in Alabang. Google it and it will tell you it's too far, go to San Lazaro instead!!! I actually considered that since anyway, I don't think Dr. Ditangko will attend to me personally. she would give on instruction on how to handle my case but not personally. And, I want her but then who I am? She is the head of the HIV department of RITM!!!

But I am still gearing for RITM instead of San Lazaro. Mainly because, I would be on an aircon bus most of the time during the duration of getting there, I could just sleep--I am a call center agent, I acquired the skill to sleep on most adverse situations--rather than taking jeepney to San Lazaro or FX/shuttle which packs you up like sardines inside. Travel wise, RITM is still a better choice. Although to what I am reading, I think confirmatory results would still be with San Lazaro.

I was suppose to go last Friday. Procastination perhaps, I have a valid reason. It was Friday the 13th.

Oh come on, you don't find that as a valid reason!?

Okay.

What about this, I am still having fevers. Yap, despite being half way through the antibiotic, despite the flanax forte, I still get the fever. Yes, it is almost 2 months. I actually lost count on how many weeks. But I still get the fever. But that is not the worst part, the worst part is I throw up everything I eat. I don't know if it is the medication I take, it just is.

I have lost appetite. I force myself to eat. I know I can't just take in medication, I have to be properly nourish to get well, but how, when all the food I shove into my mouth comes out. I tried to keep it down, but it makes me dizzy and light headed and at that point, I have to force myself to throw up.

Whatever it is, fruit, rice, vegtable, spicy food, sour food. To no avail. All comes out.

Then, I am coughing now. It actually triggers the throwing up most of the time. And that I have chest pain, specially while asleep, and shortness of breath. That is the worst part as I am not able to move much. You see, I am the kind of person who if I could do it on my own, I will do it on my own, I don't normally ask people to do things for me. It is how I was bought up, I want a glass of water, I get up the bed and go get one. 

I am someone, who three weeks ago, with a 38.5 celsius temperature, walked from Medical City to Rosario, smoking. It was the 6 o'clock rush, no cab will take me, bus and jeepney are full, and traffic is at it's worst. I had no choice but to walk and so I did and I was fine. Now... just a few steps and I would be catching my breath. I try to push through it but to no avail.

 I have relationship with my God, I am Catholic. I think I have written about this on previous entries. And I keep praying and praying to Him, but He have not heard any of my prayers. I am not even asking Him to make me well anymore. I'm just asking Him to forgive all my sins, take care of my mom, and a quiete and peaceful passing. I'm just asking God to let me die on my sleep.

Not that I no longer want to live, just that I don't think I deserve this much suffering. Okay, maybe I do. I am asking forgiveness for whatever it is that made me deserve this, why can't He just forgive me and end everything?

I can't do this anymore...