Saturday, December 31, 2011

Oh yeah, I did managed to quit smoking...

Too bad it was not part of my resolutions last year... Well, the thing was that, quit smoking have been a part of my resolution from year past and I have always failed to do so... so I felt, I should no longer put it as part of my resolution for 2011 and just be it, anyhow, I had no other vise, I don't drink... I don't really party... don't do drugs, have not tried any even... I try to live a healthy life style... I workout every day, eat a balance diet... I go to church and hear mass every Sunday... so like really... what if I smoke?! I was allowing myself one indiscretion...

I was still smoking in my hospital room... that was how my dad so loved me... he allowed it despite the whole hospital compound prohibit smoking and much more, I am sick... it was just a puff or two... or three... after every meal... this was during the first week... the doctors have no idea what was going on, what was causing my fever... It was already confirmed that I was HIV+ and that my CD4 count was only 22... but which infection was attacking my unfortified body, that they have not figured yet... but alas, the day of my birthday... 3rd day of June... the test of my sputum came out, it was positive of Tuberculosis...

And upon knowing that, almost automatically, my body shun out smoking... Never did crave... I think I did experience withdrawal but I was also busy being sick, adjusting to my TB meds and ARV then... but I think what helped most was that, no one was smoking... and that now, six months after, i even get irritated with the smell of cigarettes...

My brother still smokes... we actually have argued and quarreled over it... mainly because I can't stand the smell... and I could smell it even if he is outside the house...

So, I won't be dating a guy who smokes...? You must really be one hell of guy for me to be able to look pass it... but I am not closing my doors... hahahahahahahahahaha...

Resolutions... I do... lots of plans actually... but then, I am thinking, I have this notion in my head, that once 2011 is over so does my problems... my health problems in particular... and that I have a clean slate for 2012, no TB, no neuropathy... no what so ever... all those gone with 2011... I know, fool me...

Well, I have to get a job... I can't go on living like this... a bum... they explain to me I am not being a bum, I am recovering for almost death... but it still feels like bumming around... I miss having my own money... and spending it and justifying it as I worked hard for it... like, yes, I don't need another bag but I want it and I deserved it because I worked hard for it... But that is another thing... I am to be very careful with money... although, I have always been careful with money... I remain debt free... and that I did had savings before... it just run out now...

That would actually be the first order of business for 2012, get me a new job...

I also wanted my old body back, even better... be working out more aggressively... I want to look better... healthier... mainly because I still want to look hot... and in preparation of becoming an HIV counselor... because there was this one... I don't know where he came from but he went in my hospital room, he was all skinny and his skin was riddled with something... he said he is offering counseling... I out rightly said no, and send him out... well, my mom and dad didn't know, so it was kept under wraps and so even mentioning HIV/AIDS is forbidden in my room as much as possible and here is a sickly looking guy to supposedly inspire me, tell me, that there is life after HIV... looking at him, not very inspiring... not something I want...

I also want to find that one guy... whom I would love... and hopefully he would love me too... you see, looking back at my relationships... I never really love them... I am not sure if they loved me but basically I was just being polite and grateful before... well, it was they like me... they mastered the guts to tell me so... and so I thought, I should be nice to them... so really... this time, I want to fall in love and hopefully... they would love me back too...

Money, health and love... am I shooting for perfection here? Anyhow, Happy new year to all of you...








Wednesday, December 28, 2011

I don't know him, i should had seen his face, but I didn't...

He came into my bed, climbed a top me, he was in a blue boxers, he started kissing me all over and I was kissing him back... loving every bit of it... somehow, I knew he was my dream lover and that he loves me back and we are to make mad love, again...? Yes, I knew it was again... 

And then I woke up...

Longing...

It have been awhile...

My body is begging me...

I begged back...

Telling my body, if this is all over... we would pray it would soon be over... the TB gone, the neuropathy gone... we will find that one good man who would love us... lust for us... and that would make mad love with us every night... until it hurts... until it hurts no more... until we bleed... he would love us... even in our most trying moments... and we would love him back regardless... we will love him... no more follies... just us, and the man... one true love...

perhaps we would be mistaken... perhaps true love wouldn't be enough... perhaps tears would stream down our eyes... we could be mistaken... but always, once this is over... we will look for him again... another, better... he would love us, we would love him... he would lust on us, we would lust on him... we would make mad love again each night... or every time we can...


I promise you my body... one this is over... we would find him... him, who would love us... lust for us... and whom we would love... and lust for...



Monday, December 26, 2011

Trying to convince myself that it wasn't a bad year...

Certainly, there were good things that happened while I was sick... like, celebrating my birthday with my mom and dad... for the first time... or that I have memory of... that too... mom and dad seeing each other after more than 20 years... mom reconciling with my maternal grandmother over phone and me able to fly to Davao and meet my father's side of the family... and my father showing how much he loves me, I am his only son, despite my brother and 2 half brother... 


But as my mom wonders, did I have to suffer as much to have all that...? Shouldn't I had those as my birth right in the first place...


I have been sick for almost a year already, fever started February... up to now, my feet still hurts like hell... which bars me from looking for another job... 


I still have TB... and we are crossing finger it is not resistant to drug yet...


I always wanted to stay optimistic... try to look at the bright side, no matter how dim... or try to humor regardless how trying the situation... but this year, particularly hard to stay a float...


I don't know... perhaps it is not whether a good or a bad year...  it is simply a year... a trying one, perhaps we can say... pivotal if you may... but none the less a year I survived, yet again...



Saturday, December 24, 2011

i wake up mga mag7 na...

computer na ko nyan, habang naggagatas... hintay hangang mag 8 to take my ARV... but ito nga, nadagdagan ng TB meds... dati I stay awake hangang after maglunch... but since nung Wednesday, when I started taking Zido and the TB meds, I start to feel weak at yun nakakatulog ako...

May brother woke me up yesterday, mag11... Papa sent us money for Christmas... saya-saya niya, excited... shopping na daw kami... syempre, I felt obligated na to join his spirit... so tumayo ako, nagayos to go out... 

Naglunch muna kami before we went to get the money... sarap pa nga, nilaga yung ulam ko... mahilig kasi talaga ako sa masabaw na food eh... kaya ayun... napadami yata yung kain ko, or at least, that was what I thought kasi after lunch and while walking papunta sa LBC to get the money... bigla akong nasuka... nasa kalye kami, at mabuti na lang may trash can... ang dami ko sinuka... it would have been a mess let say nasa mall na kami... and then feeling ko nanghihina ako... so yun, after getting the money, ending namin, umuwi na lang... medyo, disappointed si brother, pero sabi ko mayang gabi na lang, tiange kami sa Marikina...

nakatulog ako, pagising ko ng 3, gugutom ako... nagpabili ako mcdonalds... spaghetti at fries then coke... naubos ko naman, not the fries kasi soggy na siya... but naubos ko naman... sinuka ko ulit lahat... then started to feel so weak again... nahiga ako, nakatulog... 

I woke up quarter to 6 na ng gabi... nagpromise ako na pupunta kami sa tiange para mamili... so yun pinaghanda ko si brother, excited ulit... 

Sabi ko wag na tiange, sa sta lucia na lang kami... kasi isang tricycle lang sta lucia sa amin eh... umokay naman siya... ang daming tao sa mall... grabe... nakakahilo... nakakainis... tapos gugutom pa ko... ayoko naman kumain kasi baka magkalat ako... isuka ko lang ulit... 

Pero nagutom si brother... sabi ko siya na lang... pero sabi niya di pwede yun... alangan naman na di na daw ako kumain... so yun... napilitan... then habang kain, nagalarm phone ko, ARV, so nagtake ako, then tinuloy ko kain... wala ako gana, pinilit ko lang, nakahalf cup of rice ako when I felt na umaakyat yung kinain ko ang have to push it down with water... successful naman... after dinner, umikot pa kami sandali, kahit nagaaya ng umwi si brother, kita niya kasi na hirap na ko sa paglalakad at naghihina na ko.... eh gusto ko may bago shirt si brother for christmas... at ang nabibili pa lang namin shades.... letse...

Walang magkasyang shirt sa kanya, ayaw niya body fit... xxxl si brother... ang nabili namin, jacket... ayaw pa niya kasi medyo fitted but I think tamang tama yung sukat sa kanya... so yun... 

Uwi kami... tricycle ulit... di pa ko nakakapasok ng gate ng bahay... bumulwak lahat ng kinain ko ng dinner... at di ko alam kung kasama sa sinuka ko yung ARV... basta umakyat na lang ako at binagsak katawan ko sa kama... humingi na lang ako ng tubig... dami ko nainom... feeling ko kasi uhaw na uhaw ako... nagising ako ng bandang ala1... sinuka ko nanaman lahat nung tubig na ininom ko...

and that I was worried na... ganito kasi ako bago ako nadiagnose... before arv and TB meds... kaya nga ako nagpaconfine before kasi lahat nga ng kinain ko, sinuka ko... it was not about the fever, it was me not able to nourish my body... 

Ayoko na maconfine ulit... wala kami pera!!!



Thursday, December 22, 2011

I wanted to go home sana sa province...

At yun naman yung plan, me and my brother will go home... excited na nga si brother kasi mas gusto niya talaga sa probinsya kaysa dito Manila... pati mga tita ko at pinsan, excited na I would be going home... di kaya ako umuuwi ng Christmas at New Year... pero ito nga... I decided otherwise and my brother think it is wise na magstay nga kami dito Manila... kasi nga yung palit ng stavu to zido... zido na ang side effect eh anemia na in the first place I am already at alam nung doctor yun, and the reason kasi daw mahal yung teno! shit!!! Umiinit ulo ko pag naalala ko...

Wala ako prophylaxis, nasabi ko kay Tita Ellen...pero baka kasi sa init ng ulo niya kasi di nga binalik from Dots charts ko, at ang gulo nga nagkalimutan at di ako niresetahan ng cotri... so ngayon wala me inom...

Bumalik pa ko sa ARG after I was done with everything... nanghingi ako ng test order for CBC just encase nga na manghina ako at mamutla... and for CD4 count, gusto ko kasi may nakikita ako as parang goal... I thought may date, pero Manang Mameng asked me kailan ko pa daw balak, ako na lang lagay date... so di naman siya required...? Or, pressing need...? Tama... so kahit hintay ko na lang na magkabisa na lang ulit Philhealth ko para libre na...? Tama ba intindi ko...? 

Kaya pansin niyo, di ako nagprepress ng donation lately, well aside from na may nangaway kasi sa akin... parang di nga importante yung CD4... pero feel free to donate pa rin sana...

Medyo worried ako dun sa TB... kasi nga ang concern, relapse kasi siya... baka multidrug resistant na siya... and with that medyo madadalas ako sa RITM... magpapatusok... injection na daw eh... hehehehehehehehehe...



Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Of course, I lied...

Sabi ko sa kanya, tuloy-tuloy yung pinaginom ko ng gamot until November to which kasi bumalik na ko dito Manila... In truth... after I got cleared of TB last August or September, I started skipping it... TB meds are so toxic... You would wake up feeling so alive, but once you take it... you start to feel so weak, you wouldn't even want to get out of bed to eat... that is how bad TB meds are... and she kept babbling about not following up with them even after I explained a couple of times that I was getting my meds in the province, and that I got a referral from DOTs, when it was actually still with ARG... That woman is one hell of a BITCH!!!

One more thing, when I got there, she was with another patient... she asked me to wait outside... not outside the door, but the street facing the window, where she can see me and call me if it is my turn... 

The air only changed when the Doctor, decided to go down to DOTs and see me personally... she was oh so sweet and nice... like really!!!

Doctor ordered one sputum test done in RITM, and Sputum culture... she have me buy two sputum cap, 15each... and told me the sputum test would be free but the sputum culture wouldn't be... and that it would cost over a thousand... she advised me to go back to ARG and have them stamp Philhealth on it to get it free... 

That worried me... syempre, gastos nanaman... at di niyo lang alam kung gaano kasakit pagnilalakad ko yung paa ko...

Now, when I arrived kasi sa ARG... it was already 11:30 at madami pang nauna sa akin so nagpaalam ako that I would run muna sa DOTs... okay naman sa kanila... when I was at DOTs, the nurse had my files/chart carried over there, kasi nga titignan ni Doc... so nung natapos ako sa DOTs, my files were left there... di rin kasi pwedeng ipadala sa akin yung chart ko kasi I offered na balikan ko... pero yun, naglunch na, and they forgot to get my files sa DOTs, napansin na lang nila ako nung umalis na si Doc... at wala nga yung chart ko...


Dun, naiyak ako... dun sa kinauupoan ko... di naman O.A. na iyak, naluha lang ako... kasi pinoproblema ko na yung sputum culture, tapos ito pa, wala na ako efav na iinomin, di pwedeng ipagpabukas, wala na ko pamasahe...


Buti napabalik nila si Doc... and that kahit wala pa yung chart ko, I explained what was going on and I have the copies for test results... ayaw niya palitan, kasi my hemoglobin nga daw eh mababa... I explained kailangan na palitan yung stavudine kasi I have been suffering from neuropathy at sobrang sakit na siya... and that the other doctor consulted her fellow kaya nagpaorder ng another test, yun nga bago: the Na/K, cholesterol and the other one... everything came out normal cholesterol, slightly above... hehehehehehehehehe... so yun... I explained that and so the doctor decided she would switch me to Zidovudine, I asked why not Tenofovir which the previous doctor was suggesting... ang sagot ng hitad, "mahal yun eh..." Natanga ako dun... parang ano connect? Ah... mahal and tenofovir, pangsosyal lang yun, so di bagay sa'yo... ganun ba yung ibig niya sabihin?


O sige, Zido na kung Zido, basta hopefully mawala neuropathy ko!!!


Then she said close monitoring daw ako, once na nanghina ako at namutla, I should stop immediately, get CBC and go back at ARG... malakas daw kasi magpababa ng hemoglobin... magpaanemic ang Zido... which I am already is... so why was she giving me a drug that would worsen the condition? I actually googled Tenofovir... anemia didn't come out as one of it's side effects...? 


Pero sige, ikaw doctor eh, it is your call... so I asked, which I think was pretty logical naman... you decide... is there anything I can take or eat just to counter anemia... pampataas ng dugo? like for example should I take iron supplement... si doctor natanga... and then sabi niya no, kasi madami daw components ang dugo, which actually I was made aware kasi nga dun sa mga test na pinatake sa akin... pero kasi feeling ko ang stupid niya or out of mind lang siya so di ko na pinilit yung mga questions ko... sabi ko, google ko na lang sa bahay ulit...


And so yun, akala ko, they would just give me a month supply... kasi observe nga muna... pero di eh... 3 months supply yung nasa reseta, eh di okay... 


And then yun, I asked Ate Let about the sputum culture kung she have any idea magkano... she said it is for free, care of daw ng DOTs, I explained to her na sabi sa akin sa DOTs, nung nurse nga dun na I would pay for it... sabi ni Ate Let, di daw, and I was able to verify it sa lab... and that when I submitted my sputum for the sputum test, sabi nila they can use the same sample for culture... 


Luka talaga yung nurse sa DOTs, buti pa si Miss Mameng na kahit medyo aligaga eh, mabait naman... eh ito... hay naku!!!


I got done 4 na in the afternoon... 









Monday, December 19, 2011

I understand that part, it is after all yuletide...

And that we deserve it... to have fun, at the end of the year... pero sana, we should be a little more discreet about it and be sensitive sana with the tragedy down south... more than 500 dead... medyo dapat in mourning yata tayo... yun yung mali yata ni Valeria Concepcion dun sa twit niya... pinalabas niya na nakipagparty-party si P'Noy... when he was just doing his obligation... Christmas Party yun ng PSG and other staff and household of Malacanang... he have to be there... and that they deserve that party naman... tipong isang taon lang naman eh... at itong mga taong 'to, maliliit na tao lang 'tong mga 'to, di tulad ng mga congressman... 

Ibigay natin sa kanila yun, at ibigay natin kay P'Noy na bigyang halaga niya ang mga tao mismo sa kanyang opisina... Pero yun nga, sana we all should be discreet about it... wag nanating ipagsigawan sa mga social networking site na nagkakasiyahan tayo habang naghihirap yung mga kapatid natin sa Cagayan de Oro...

Ito naman kasing si Valerie eh, kinilig yata agad nalandi lang ni P'Noy... naman 'teh, kahit presidente yan ng Pilipinas... you can do better naman... ang pangit ni P'Noy ha...

You do realize this is bad literature and really, you should not be reading this... specially if you have the same condition as I do... I'm telling you, bad literature! bad literature!

Hahahahahahahahahaha...

I had my blood extracted today at polyclinic for the test ordered... it was for Triglycerides-250 pesos, total cholesterol-175 pesos, and Na/K determination-580 pesos... in total of 1005 pesos... 

My brother went through, he asked our father for money... which I forbade... then my mom... we had a little falling out, my dad and me... pero yun, sabi kasi niya we had no choice... I have to get a refill of my ARV and I don't want to suffer from neuropathy for another 3 months...

So yun... I went... I'll get the results bukas, then derecho na ulit ako sa RITM...





Check ko menu ng Dencio's online... may bulalo sila, 210 pesos...   hmmmmm... plus manga enselada: 79 pesos... plus 4 rice, 88 pesos... tubig lang ako, so wala na drinks... so in total, 377 pesos lang... date mo naman ako o... hehehehehehehehehehe... 



Basco Lighthouse, Basco Batanes

Saturday, December 17, 2011

First thing first...

I would like to say thank you to M.S., intials na lang muna, baka kasi ayaw niya pabangit pangalan niya, mabwesit pa siya sa akin... I already emailed him naman na, saying thank you... so even if this seemed so impersonal, I hope the email would rectify that...


He donated through paypal... I won't mention how much he donated... di na importante kung magkano, any amount will do naman... but I guess I could share na it's a long way to go to reach 3 thousand which I need for my CD4, which nga pala, first week ng January 1st yata, pero since holiday pa... parang ginawang 1st week na lang...


Kahapon, I was fighting back... I didn't want to feel down... I still want to believe everything will work out... kaya bumili ako ng shades sa banketa... fake rayban na blue, the same shades I was wearing dun sa isang naging profile pic ko sa twitter before... that shades, binili namin sa UP fair nung February, it was for 120 daw, natawaran namin ng 100... eh nabali ko siya... kahapon, dun sa paglabas sa station, nakita ko siya... dun lang ako nakakita ng ganun... so yun, binili ko, lalo pa akong naaliw kasi fifty pesos lang siya...


I was down... una... well, kasi I was declared clear of TB last August or September yata... and now it is back... and honestly... di ko alam how to tell my mom... na I am still sick... plus yung additional test na hinihingi and I need to have it by Monday... I have to, wala na ko ARV... eh I was down to my last thousand... so yun kahit na gutom na gutom na ko... milk lang kaya breakfast ko at walang lunch... sabi ko sa bahay na lang ako kakain... so paguwi ko, akala ni brother everything was okay...


And I thought I was okay...


The next morning... early... me and my brother went to the polyclinic so to have the test done... I have 560 pesos on my pocket, the only money I have... akala ko the test would just be at most 300, kasi yung 3 sputum test, CBC with platelet count and FBS, so I thought mga ganun lang... but it turned out 1005.00 pesos yung test... nanghina ako... I just rushed home, sumunod naman si brother... and I decided to give up... ayoko na... I was  just to stay in bed and await death... wala na ko balak magsalita... kumain... uminom ng gamot... ayoko na...


Kasi feeling ko, talonan na ko eh... dapat yata tangapin ko na lang yun... tama na...


Di naman ako suicidal... may takot ako sa Diyos... but I was praying... begging for death to come already... swiftly sana... para at least tapos na... my brother can go on with his life... si mama, di na mapapagod... tapos na paghihirap nila... yun din eh... feeling ko, di ako mapatawad ng Diyos... sa lahat ng ito... kasi kung di naman sa kapusokan ko, di ba...? Kung naging responsable sana ako... di ba? Di lang pamilya ko yung pinahirapan ko... I'm thinking, madami siguro ako nahawaan at ngayon naghihirap din... tipong, ang dami ko kasalanan na tama siguro na di ako basta basta mapapatawad and that I deserve to suffer as much... so I was actually willing na maipatapon sa imperyno... basta lang matapos na yung paghihirap ng pamilya ko... and yes, this time, I am contemplating on suicide...


Pero kasi gusto ko sigurado na patay ako... and sana... they won't find my body anymore... para wala ng libing...




But I'm still here... nature ko yata... 


Friday, December 16, 2011

Epic fail ang pagpunta ko sa RITM...

giant christmas tree @ araneta center, cubao
Well yung mga lab test, they came out bad... no, I am not diabetic, blood sugar level is normal... so not the cause of my neuropathy... but my hemoglobin is still low... and that I still have TB on my sputum...

Late na me umalis sa bahay so pagdating ko, lunch na... eh Christmas party pa ng RITM... so hintay pa ng doctor... anyway, 2 lang kami na patient... ako luma... at isang bago... 

May confirmation na siya... ewan ko kung saan galing... pero yun... he is new... medyo sunog yung balat niya, so I am guessing nagkasakit siya ng malala at nasunog yung balat niya sa antibiotic, parang ako nun... and I feel... know... he needs help... and I wanted to... just have no idea how...

Anyway, so doctor came... showed her my lab test result... no question, I have to be referred to DOTs again, which was still at the old opd annex clinic... problem was that, Christmas party nga kasi sa RITM, may program sa auditorium... and DOTs actually closed their clinic for the afternoon... I was able to get x-rayed though... pero yun, ifoforward sa DOTs, na close... I have to go back on Monday...


Now, back sa ARG... yun, di problem ang blood sugar ko with my neuropathy... and yun nga di effective ang Neurobion--the Vit B supplement and Gabapentin... and so the doctor looked at my cocktail nga... and yun, lumabas din na Stavu actually causes neuropathy... so kailangan na talaga siya palitan... pero kasi mababa pa rin yung hemoglobin ko... so she texted someone... fellow daw niya and ask for an opinion...


While waiting for an answer, yun, I told her about my concern about adjustment sa katawan... sabi, it should be expected, kahit  na isa lang dun sa 3 yung papalitan... I shared na I like Efav... kasi tulog ako kaagad... sabi niya, madami daw complain dun kasi sa  vivid dreams nga siya... sabi ko, "okay lang yun, basta wag lang manood ng horror at porn before sleeping..." Tawa si Doc... then share ko, minsan, pinanood ko yun 2012 bago ako matulog, before I know it, I was in the film... "armagedon doc, pero at least, kasama ko si John Cussack sa end of the world..." ang lakas ng tawa ni doc sa akin...


Anyway, sumagot din si "fellow"... dami tanong... which end ultimately with another lab test... this time for sodium, potassium, and total cholesterol... I can't make out the last word... pero ito pa isang epic fail ko... the test requires fasting, 8-12 hours... so I can't do it kanina sa RITM... I have to do it tomorrow... sa Polyclinic just outside our subd... problem is, di ko napansin... si doc nilagay niya na HIV infected ako dun sa clinical impression... napansin ko na lang siya when I got home... ang sakit tuloy ulo ko... so yun, I have to do the test this weekend, para handa siya ng lunes... kailangan lunes... kasi yun na yung huli ko na efav...


Ang sakit ng ulo ko actually kasi kapos na kapos na ko... allowance from mom will be delayed daw... and yun, di kasi kasama sa budget yung bagong test na inorder and yung trip ulit sa RITM... di ko pa actually alam gagawin ko... 


Kanina, I thought about asking na lang na wag na lang muna palitan cocktail ko... kaya lang... isipin niyo, what I go through everyday... pagnaglalakad ako, feeling ko naglalakad ako sa crashed glass... may bigla pang feeling mo may tutusok na needle sa paa mo... this even if I'm just resting... lalo na pag gabi... kahit tulog... mahanginan lang yung paa ko, mararamdaman ko na yung sakit... that is what I go through everyday... to think mataas ang tolerance ko sa pain... kung ibang tao siguro ang nakakaranas nito, di nila kakayanin...


Mataas tolerance ko sa pain... halos kwarenta na temperature ko, nakakatayo at nakakakilos pa ko ng parang wala lang... belib mga nurse ko sa akin sa RITM nung naconfine ako before... may iinject sila sa IV ko na proven na nila with other patients, kahit maton, napapatili sa sakit... ako, okay lang... 


So, yun, kailangan ko ipagawa yung test bukas ng umagang umaga para by Monday morning avail na siya... so I can take it to RITM again... and hopefully... actually, I don't know what to hope anymore or should I even hope pa... basta, kailangan ko ng refill by Monday...


Ilang beses na ko na chest x-ray, even in RITM... ngayon lang yata ako pinaghubad ng shirt... hmmmmmm...? hahahahahahahahaha... feelingerang frog nanamn ako!!! Anyway... kasi pagtapos x-ray, sabi niya hintay ako dun sa labas for the result... so akala ko, I will get it and I will bring it to DOTS, eh close nga, so I plan to go back to ARG and have them keep the xray... and akala ko mahabang hintayan siya, so I took out my notebook and wrote a note saying:
"If you need help, or have question or want to have someone to talk to... contact me at my twitter: @casuallypostiv or email me at casuallypositive@gmail.com... madami kaming PLHIV like you na pwede mong maging kaibigan..."
Pero di pa tatapos yung note ko, sinabi na niya, ifoforward na lang sa DOTS... inulit pa nga niya nung di ako umalis kasi nga tinapos ko muna yung note...


When I went back to ARG... andun yung kasama niya, nakaupo, but he was out of sight, I though baka nasa loob siya at kausap pa ni Doc... so I just thought, oh well, and left...


Nasalubong ko siya on my way out... ewan ko saan siya galing... pero yun, I flashed him a smile, introduced myself... and handed him the note... yes, I was flirty... I have always been flirty... I do it unconsciously... otherwise, if I knew I'm to flirt... I wouldn't be able to... He was not cute... not even if his skin was nice pa... pagtumaba siguro siya... hmmmmm... choosy pa ko 'no!?! Hahahahahahahaha... and yun nga, I gave him the note... then I realized, "are you internet savvy?"... he shook his head... sabi ko na lang... "keep the note, baka you might need it... we are here for each other..." and I said goodbye...


On my way home... I'm thinking... I could make a good counselor... for people like us... hmmmm...? I want to do that, but hey, I have to fix myself first...



Thursday, December 15, 2011

For someone who is not getting any... I get fuck up a lot lately...

Yes, I am using the F word now... 


Hahahahahahahahaha...


I have everything planned out, I shared the plan here... I counted my ARV... my Efav will only last me until Monday... so I took all the test this week... and when they told me result won't be out until Saturday, I batted my eyes and made them agree to release it Friday morning... and from the Polyclinic, I go direct to RITM for consultation and ARV refill... It  plan...


I guess, problem with me is, I don't do plan B... I have no plan B...


So when I read Pozziepinoy's blog: pozziepinoy.blogspot.com, he too is from RITM... he went to get a refill as per his post, dated December 14... Efav was out of stock... and though he was assured that a stock is expected that day... we never know...


I like my Efav... I sleep well with it...


So, if I go there tomorrow... and they do decide to change my cocktail... and if Efav is not yet available... I'm guessing... oh well...













Tuesday, December 13, 2011

I just remembered...

I have my medical files from when I got confined at RITM the first time... and, indeed, when I checked the files... I have the exact date of my confirmation and the CD4 count... 

The HIV test was requested May 20, 2011, the results were released May 27, I assumed from San Lazaro kasi that was yung I rushed myself to RITM... dumeretso ako sa OPD Annex... eh di pa pala nila ako pasyente... kasi wala pang confirmation... nung hinanap nung doctor na magaadmit sa akin yung confirmation... wala nga, eh si Miss Anna pa nun... pinuntahan actually niya sa lab, pero wala pa daw... and yun nga sabi niya, "di ba kung pinadala sa San Lazaro, confirm na..." ng nahihiya... eh kung walang confirmation, eh di hindi nila ako pasyente...


But I was admitted then because yung complain ko na everyday fever... and when I was there 39.8 yung temperature ko... so kahit na wala akong kasama nun, inadmit nila ko kasi alangan namang pauwiin nila ako... so yun... so nung first night ko, I was alone sa room, iyak ako ng iyak... kasi yung hospital food was bangus na niluto sa suka... so di ko makain... and then I was still burning and may pinapabiling gamot... eh since wala akong kasama, walang bibili... so wawang wawa ako nun... but that was history...


June 1 lumabas ang result ng CD4 count ko... and then so dun sa tanong kung ilan CD4 ko, it was 22 last June 1... and so tama ako... ang next CD4 count ko dapat December 1... pero yun nga the  last time I was in RITM, sabi sa January pa daw me dapat CD4 ko... so di ko alam...








Anyway, this morning I submitted the first sputum sa polyclinic... and they extract na ng blood  for FBS and CBC with platelet count... yung result ng FBS and CBC pwede ko na makuha agad... but the results ng sputum... after the submission ng sputum... sabi niya Saturday, pero kasi mali lang yata yung araw niya, feeling niya Wednesday na, eh Tuesday pa lang... pero yun sabi ko kung pwede Friday sana kasi I will bring it pa to RITM, sabay pagpapacute... sabi niya sige... o di ba...!


The FBS kasi they are suspecting, although medyo bata pa daw ako,  na yung neuropathy ko eh baka dahil mataas yung sugar ko... that I am diabetic... kasi nasa dugo namin and that complication from the disease actually killed 2 na in the family... 


The CBC with platelet count kasi the doctor wanted na palitan yung ARV cocktail ko... kasi nga daw yung Stavudine malakas magpapayat and the reason before kaya binigay sa akin kasi mababa daw yung hemoglobin ko... I was anemic... so kaya yun, nagorder ng CBC...


I actually gusto na mapalitan, kasi na stuck na ko sa 110 lbs... eh maganda sana atleast 120lbs ako... but medyo hesitant ako kasi baka mahirapan ulit ako sa pagaadjust... so yun din, na I am considering na pagpinalitan yung ARV ko, I would be heading home sa province and be with my aunt and cousins... tipong tago muna ko... 


So, yun CD4 count... parang kailangan ko na kasi baka mapalitan akong umuwi... lalo na kung baka magkarashes ako... 


So, donate box below... wag na ask... kasi dami email... dm sa twitter...  not that I don't appreciate it pero kasi yun... sana kung tutulong, tumulong na lang...




Monday, December 12, 2011

Sabi ko na lang...

Discreet kasi masyado ang RITM with their patient... actually, mareretrieve lang nila fle mo through that code and not your name... taka kasi si nurse sa polyclinic kanina kasi dun sa mga test orders from RITM, walang pangalan, yun nga lang code ko...

Yes, I am finally doing it... kasi I have to na talaga... bilang ko hangang monday na lang next week efav ko so kailangan the test should be done this week at makuha ko results at least Thursday or Friday early morning para deretso na ko RITM... pero pwede naman Monday na ko punta ng RITM anyway gabi ko pa naman inom Efav... kaya lang masyado yatang gipitan sa oras yun... so hopefully, by Friday I have the results na...

So yun, the test: FBS, CBC w/platelet count, and the 3 sputum test cost almost 1000 pesos... may naitabi naman ako for that... but yes, I don't have the money for CD4, which is 3 thousand... please, it's not a question if I need your help or not, I do... I do need financial help... so wag mo na akong tanongin... mahihiya lang ako... there is a donate box below, from paypal... bahala na kayo... thank you...

Kasi may nagtanong kung if he can help ba daw dun sa 3k for cd4... di ba? Malinaw naman eh... I need help... although... hmmmm... baka gusto niya akong pautangin... at gusto niya idiscuss ang terms... hmmmm...? Hay naku, katawan ko lang ang pambayad ko! hahahahahahahahahaha... 

I start tomorrow... with the submission of sputum and the blood extraction for FBS and CBC... kasi kailangan fasting nung sa FBS...




Medyo emotional ako lately... emotional lang naman... di naman depress... basta kounti lang, iiyak na ko... yes, height of kababawan me lately... and for some reason, I keep watching Love And Other Drugs"... Anne Hathaway? Jake Gellenhall? Yun... Anne have parkinson, stage 1... walang cure and that eventually she would get worst... which holds her back to loving Jake... kasi nga, she would just weigh him down... yung nga dun sa huli yung part na hinabol ni Jake si Anne... yung part na sabi niya she is going to need him more, sabi ni Jake okay lang... which is not fair... pero yun kasi ang love eh... so yun, feelingera akong si Anne Hathaway at imbes sa Parkinsons, I have HIV... so di ba...

Pinanood ko nanaman siya kagabi for the nth time... and again, I was crying... and then I was asking why am I even watching it... so yun... may external hd si brother na full of downloaded movies... almost lahat napanood ko na... except for the local movies... so yun, "Si Yaya at Angelina"... height ng kababawan... sumakit ang tyan ko sa kakatawa...


Kaya ayoko pang makipagsex eh, kahit ang tagal na... assuming na may nagooffer... hahahahahahahahaha... pero yun nga... baka kasi habang nagdyudyugan kami, bigla akong maiyak... or it cuts both ways naman, baka bigla akong matawa... so di ba, kailangan maresolve ko muna yan...


 


Saturday, December 10, 2011

di nagtatally ang mga gamot ko...

I have 9 efav left... but 21 lami/stav... hmmmmmm...?

I have to get refill na... ayoko kasi nung ung kailan 2-3 na lang siya saka ako kukuha... naranasan ko kasi yung talagang wala na eh... I was in the province pa man din... and was still very sickly... eh ayaw magrelease ng RITM nun ng gamot unless makita nila pasyente... so yun, kahit inaapoy pa ko ng lagnat, lumuwas ako ng Manila, which was about 4-5 hours drive... so ayoko na maulit yun, so as much as possible, a week before maubos... kukuha na ko...

The last time I got a refill was last month... November 11... usually for 3 months yung binibigay na ARV... but in my case kasi gusto nung doctor na palitan na yung cocktail ko... kasi daw malakas magpapayat yung Stavudine... and that the reason I was given that was before I was anemic, mababa yung hemoglobin ko... so yun, order muna siya ng CBC to check... and then yun, kung okay na hemoglobin ko... palit na kami ng cocktail... kaya yung binigay sa akin was for 1 month lang na ARV, kasi kailangan ko bumalik...

Other than the CBC, the doctor also ordered sputum test... just to check on my TB... then, although she thinks, I am too young, pero kasi may history ng diabetes sa family, she also wants to check my blood sugar kasi baka yun yung nagcocause ng neuropathy ko... kasi tipong di gumagana ang Vit B eh... 

I will be doing all the test outside, mainly becuase yung sputum eh 3 consecutive days yung sample collection... plus yung blood sugar, kailangan ng fasting... so yun, which was no problem naman with the doctor... and may PolyClinic just outside our subdivision that can do all the test... I also checked on how much all the test would cost... at medyo nakapagtabi na ko for that... tatakot lang me, kaya I have not taken the test yet...

Now, ang problema ko is my CD4... though not pressing yata... kasi I know, December dapat ako magCCD4 but as per record sa RITM, sa January pa daw... I know na December kasi I was admitted before 27th of May... then lumabas yung confirmation ko, then they ordered CD4 count nga... I was there for two weeks, so if you will count, December ang 6th months ko... but then, di ko pa alam saan ako kukuha ng 3 thousand...

Ayoko kasi magsabi kay mama... kasi alam ko naman she is giving naman all that she can... so yun, titignan ko na lang siguro kung kaya kung magtipid para mabou ko yung 3 thousand... sana by January... if you want to help, ayan, may donate button dyan baba... paypal...


Friday, December 9, 2011

Sorry, di ko maintindihan...

Sure, she was the former president... okay... and that she was elected congressman... but then... she was arrested for electoral sabotage...? 


This not about being against her... this is nothing personal on her... just that... yung kaso niya di lang panluluko sa isang tao... or isang grupo ng tao... o isang kompanya... boung Pilipinas yung niluko niya...? So bakit may special treatment...?


Di ko talaga ma-gets... kasi naging presidente siya...? Eh di ba, that makes the matter worst...? Presidente siya ng Pilipinas at ganun ginawa niya... 


When it was decided na i-hospital arrest siya... sabi ko, okay lang... basta sa government hospital... para maranasan niya how depressing the situations on this hospitals... actually, lahat dapat ng politikong mangangailangan ng medical attention, dapat sa government hospital, para alam nila yung situation... so yun, I was hoping on PGH, SLH or RITM... pero Veterans daw... okay, been there actually... some ten years ago... may late grandmother... icoconfine sana siya dun, but I understand why she didn't want to... Then, sa presidential suite na renovated ang lola mo... letse!!!


Di ba, mukha tayong tanga... niluko na nga tayo... hay naku...








Anyway, highway... this weather is killing me... grabe... di nga bumaba temperature ko... well, kasi ako naman kahit almost 40 degrees na temp ko eh wala akong nararamdaman except well, mainit ako and nanghihina... pero walang sakit ng ulo or hilo... eh wala ako kasama... so yun, problema pagkain... ulan ng ulan... so di ako makalabas... last night nga... alas 9 na ko nakalabas para mag dinner... wala eh... wawa me 'no... but I'm okay...


Yun nga yung twit ko eh...

nakadapa na ko... tatadyaktadyakan mo pa... kung akala mo, di na ko tatawa... nagkakamali ka... You created a monster...

di naman siya challenge... just that... buti na lang may sense of humor ako... that despite of everything... yes, it have been becoming a habit: crying myself to sleep... but I am still able to laugh at things, at my situation... 


So alam niyo yung I was feeling so sick kanina... pagkagising ko pa lang umuulan na... tapos gutom na gutom na ko... and for some reason I keep throwing up... eh sa twit pinaguusapan nila ahitan... syempre, ako 'to... ano pa ba unang papasok sa utak ko... 


Personally, I don't like it shaved... for one, obvious reason na it's not natural... it is meant that you have to have a bush down there... just a bush though... not a national forest please... hahahahahahahahaha... and 2, for practical reason... makati kaya siya... not even to you lang... but also to the other party... talking from experience... not a pleasant one... 


I trim... once a month... just to keep it orderly and clean... but if you insist na wala talaga which really, guys, it looks so weird kung walang hair... do waxing... 







That's Haribon... The Philippine Eagle...


Monday, December 5, 2011

yung point ko lang naman eh...

Okay, you are crushing on someone... and that someone seemed not interested in you... so, what do you do...? You just give up...? No, what you do is make that someone interested! And no, stalking does not count...


Yun lang naman... so attacking my HIV status, blatantly marginalizing not only me but all PLHIV, was totally uncalled for... as it have always been said, HIV is what I have, it is not who I am...


And please... taking this blog seriously... com'on!?


You actually believe na kagandahan talaga ako?!? 


Hahahahahahahahahahaha...


Thank you for the vote of confidence... pero, I'm not... I don't even know how to dress...  actually have my hair cut short and wear a cap all the time mainly because I have no idea how to fix my hair... I'm not tall, although you may think otherwise on my pictures... I do photograph really well... but really, not that good looking... I used to have a rocking body... but because of what happened to me--tb and all that... I lost it and have not yet gotten my shape back... blame stavudine and my neuropathy...


Although it's true that I am someone who turns heads... I tend to catch attention, mainly because my looks is debatable... sort of they can't decide weather I look good or bad... most of the time, I think they go for the latter...


And before, usually I look good on dim lights... kasi daw iba yung puti ko, i'm glowing or matingkad yung puti ko... that is the usual complement I get... but sure enough on broad day light,  the illusion get shattered... and ito nga na naospital ako... nasunog ang balat ko, antibiotics yata... taka nga lahat ng relatives ko eh... kasi ang itim ko daw...


So di ako ganun kaganda... feelingera lang ako... kasi ultimo nanay ko di naniniwalang maganda ako... tipong: anak, matalino ka... hahahahahahahahaha... so I just have to rely on myself to believe na maganda ako... may reklamo ka dun...? 


Sana naman wala...







Saturday, December 3, 2011

I was at Watson...

And I was standing next to where the condoms are... and I was actually wondering... deciding... that I need to buy... I don't have any... It have been more than six months since the last time I had sex... so needless to say I am horny as hell... but don't want to yet... because I have not fully figure things out yet...

I was contemplating on that when the guy ahead of me... I think he is married because he bought some kiddie vitamins and a condom... he was hot, nice bud... nice ass... super hot... eh nakita niya ko nakatingin sa binili niya nung pinapunch ni sales girl... nahiya yata siya... but I must give it to the guy... kasi he did not leave the contraception to his wife... usually kasi pag ganun... pinagpipills na lang yung asawa... pro-RH bill si dude... di ba... so HOT!!!

So, I was still standing there, next to the condoms... when another guy walked in... Not so good looking... he was on the heavy side... not even daddy type sexy... not even bear type sexy... I won't ever sleep wth him... okay, maybe I will, if the future of the civilized world rest on it, I will... He went to the condom selection... to which nahiya ako, I look the other way around... but I got surprise when the guy asked kung may feather weight pa...? I don't know if I heard it right basta... and he got two boxes... like, really you are having that much sex?!? 

Hahahahahahahahaha...

Sama ko ba?

Ito pa... ganda-gandahan nanaman ako...

Pero no... maganda nga kasi ako... hahahahahahahahaha... smart pa... hahahahahahahaha... sensya na...  but yun nga... ilang beses ko ng narinig na "di mo ko pinapansin nun..." to which, I ask back kung pinansin niya ba ko... usually, ang answer lang nila tinitignan lang nila ko... hiya daw silang lumapit sa akin... so di ba... ano mangyayari sa atin kung di mo ko lalapitan... and ano, hintay mo ko na ako lumapit...? kagandahan ka?!? Hahahahahahahahaha...

I don't know... for some reason... they think it would be easy with me... tipong, if they ask for my number, I would automatically give it to them... well, yun, takot sila to ask for my number because they are afraid na di ko nga ibigay, which would be likely the case, pero kasi if you are really hot for me, di ba... you won't take no for an answer... you would insist... well, I would be insulted kung tipong halatadong binobola mo ko... pero di ba... ligawan mo naman ako... suyoin mo naman ako...

I'm hot...!

TOINKZ 





Thursday, December 1, 2011

I have always worn that red ribbon every year...

but not this year... nothing much... I just don't see the point anymore... they say it was to create awareness... well, I think everybody, at some degree, is aware about HIV/AIDS... I was aware then... but that didn't stop me from having unprotected and risky sex...


I really don't know how those head shot would help the fight against HIV/AIDS... would someone explain it to me...?




I think that is what we are missing all along... masarap ang sex... masarap ang pure unadulterated sex... hassle magcondom... and mas masarap nga kung walang condom... and that we wanted to be desired... na hindi lang isang tao ang pwede mong makuha... lahat sila... sabay-sabay pa... masarap kaya yung feeling na pinagaagawan ang katawan mo... 


I think that is what they fail to consider in the fight against HIV/AIDS... use protection-use protection daw... but they don't consider na si Pedro minsan nahihiyang bumili ng condom o di alam saan bibili ng condom... at kung anong condom ba ang para sa kanya... they fail to consider hassle ang pagsout ng condom, andun ka na sa height of passion biglang kailangan pumara sandali para magsout ng condom... at di nga ganun kasarap pag may condom...


I don't know what to do... well, putting on condom is really now a hassle if you know what to do... you have to help each other out... tuloy pa rin yung pagkiss habang nagsosout ng condom... and that there are actually extra thin condoms... di lang Frenzy at Trust ang available sa market... I think, if I am not mistaken I was told yung brand was Sensation... medyo mahal ang durex... and more of bigger size yun... you would want a snug fit guys... wag mag feeling-feelingan big ka, letse... otherwise, I don't know...


We should also consider that it is lonely out here... and that we long to find that someone... we kiss... fuck with all the toad we can hoping it would be prince charming... it's lonely out here... if only you were here...





Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I still believe in God..

Creator of heaven and earth... I still do... I still believe in Jesus Christ, His Only Son, He is still my Lord... I believe He was conceived through the Holy Spirit... and was born by the Virgin Mary... He suffered under Pontius Pilate... That He was crucified... died... and descended to death... I believe that on the third day He rouse again... He ascended into the heaven... seated at the right hand of the Father... I still believe He would come again to judge the living and the dead...

I still believe in the Holy Spirit... The Holy Catholic Church...? Not so... I do have high respect though to Pope John Paul II... The Communion of Saint... yes, I think so... The Forgiveness of Sins, in which I am so dearly counting on... The Resurrection of the body... check and not like zombie thing... I still believe in life ever lasting...

And that at night I still pray to Him, the Heavenly Father... hallow His Name... hoping His will thy be done on earth as it is there in heaven...

Every Night, before I sleep... I asked Him, and thank Him for all His blessing... to how little... even for each sorrow, praying He just didn't want me to be in temptation and that He was delivering me... and that I ask for forgiveness... as I try to forgive those who have sin against me...

And that I hail Mary... She have always been full of grace... The Lord is with Her... She was blessed among women... that the fruit of her womb is blessed... She is Holy, Mother to us all, I ask her to pray for me, I ask her three times every night... until the hour of my death...

I glorify the Father...

I glorify the Son...

I glorify the Holy Spirit...

I glorify since the beginning and that forever shall it be... in world that won't end...

I beg Jesus, that He forgive my sins... that He would save me from the fires of Hell and that He would led all Souls to heaven, specially those like me who needed so much mercy...







I pray... I have always prayed... despite knowing I am not one of those favored ones... I believe that, too, you see... while other's have it easy, they really don't need to utter as much as an amen... they are such as I who would have to beg and cry... but I never lost faith Him... to His Mother... There were times that I did not understand and refused to pray... but never really have I lost faith... never...



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