gusto ko yakap... lamig...

Spoon mo ko...

Di mo alam spoon... yakap mo ko from the back... ano ba!?!

Favorite ko position yan... hehehehehehehehehe...

Sensya na... bakit ba...? Naughty me... tagal na....! 

Bakit porke HIV+ ako wala na ko karapatan mahorney...

Lamig eh... kasalanan ko... aba! more than 5 months na akong walang sex, ano!!!

Dati almost every off ko... eh kasi wala naman akong alam na gimik... I don't drink... I can't dance... alam ko lang magpacute... hehehehehehehe... kahit di me cute... alam ko lang gimik is kain sa labas at coffee... nood sine sometimes... yun lang... malungkot yun pag wala ka kasama... and I thought, kailan ako lalandi, when I am on my fortys o fiftys...? so tipong habang bata... di ba?

Ngayon, zero... five months na... well, I was sick most of the time... and I am still recovering... payat pa me... 

Pero kahit nun... nung hottness pa ko... Toinkz! uy sabi kaya nila, sexy me...hay naku, sexy ako... maniwala kayo... work out me kaya everyday before... di ako namumutok sa muscles, pero toned naman... so yun nga... kahit sexy naman ako before, I am never comfortable doing with lights on... kahit nga dim lights... kahit TV on... so ayoko ng afternoon delight...

Mahilig me makipaghalikan... sabi nila magaling daw ako... naconvince naman nila ako agad... hehehehehehehehe... kahit puro halikan lang... gusto ko actually yun... nakatayo kayo, nakasandal ka sa kanya, tapos habang masturbate ka niya, naghahalikan kayo... sarap kaya nun... hehehehehehehehe...

Most of the time, ayoko ng dog style... kahit ako top... unless, pag ako bottom, he would lean forward, at habang bumabayo siya, lick niya batok ko, hangang ears... papalingonin niya ko sa kanya, tapos kiss kami... Okay lang, if I am flat facing the bed... at papatong siya...don't spread your legs... mas madaling papasok if feet together ka... promise! hahahahahahhahaha...

sa tingin ko, regular size lang ako... pero madami nagsasabi that I am bigger than the average... pero size really does not matter... okay, I don't want it freakishly small... but neither do I want it HUGE!!!

I don't enjoy giving heads... not something I want to do... pero kasi alam ko naman masarap... so, pinagbibigyan ko... di nga lang ako magaling kasi nga di ko gusto ginagawa ko... at di ako nakakatagal...

I don't swallow... I won't even have you blow it on my body...

Weird stuff... well, di na weird ang rimming... right...? wrong crowd...? Okay, love getting rim, but sorry, not like blow job, I won't return the favor... you can fuck me 'til kingdom come after, I would even beg you to, if you are that good... but no... sorry, won't do it...

May dumila sa kilikili ko... tinaas niya yung kamay ko, then he started licking away my armpit... it felt weird nung una... pero kasi masarap, kasi ewan ko, nakikiliti ako na ewan... foot fetish is normal na... just that I never thought it would happen to me... kasi I have freakishly small feet... it would actually shame a lot of lady's feet... so di ba, kung bading ka, gusto mo malaki yung feet... pero yun, naranasan ko yung diladilaan yung paa ko, sisipin yung mga daliri ng paa ko... yun wala, weird lang naramdaman ko...

Yung pinaka weird... fisting... yes, my whole hand inside him, up to my risk... grabe yun... iky yung feeling inside... wala nacurious din ako eh... pero dude, di ako tinayoan dun... at kahit tayoan ako nun... I won't fuck him kasi... feeling ko super luwang na... ewan...

Haba na nito... next na lang ulit pagumulan...

Hehehehehehehehehe...

I don't know how it works...

If sort of it will eventually work... or sort of a pain reliever... 2nd day of Gabapantin and Neurobion... No effect... Perhaps it's the first... it would eventually work... kasi the prescription specified a number... how many tablets/days... 

I am hoping...

Have you seen the Pacquiao fight...? I didn't... try to look for live streaming online... no deal... GMA fucked us with too much commercial breaks... I have to settle to twitter to get my update about the fight... won't talk about... mainly because everybody is already...

It started with someone calling yata on which treatment hub we belong... may taga PGH, SLH, and then RITM, my hub... Montessori daw... pang sosyal... I don't want to agree because mahirap lang ako... but yata... most of the patient sa RITM medyo may kaya, mainly because RITM is in Alabang, and that it really is not accessible... But that is not the thing... 

The thing was the twits went to wanting to go to Sagada... which, I thought, really guys, you want to go on an 8 hours drive with someone who have not yet met personally...? di ba? Mas sensible yata that we meet first over coffee or, sige, dinner... so I suggested that... 

I actually want to meet them... mainly because I think if I am to date again... or have sex for fun... I would want my HIV status as a non-issue... ayoko yung I have to decide kung kailangan dapat idisclose... so yun, now, I would want to have sex only with a fellow HIV+... yes, I am to discriminate to non-carriers... kasi if he is not... nakakatakot... baka mahawaan ko siya... condom breaks... it happened to me in more than 1 instance... konsensya ko pa... so I am to reserve my self, my hottness (TOINKZ) only to a fellow pozzie...

They are amiable naman... the conversation went to PG18, but I think everybody would want to meet each other over coffee or something...

One was given the task to organized it, @bohemian_diary, check his blog: http://iamembracinglife.blogspot.com... he started to ask where and when... his vote was Makati... and kung kailan free mga tao... 

I was to suggest weekdays as weekends kasi madami tao... usually everywhere is crowded... and I don't think we want to be in a crowd... and then I remembered... why am I participating on this conversation when I can't afford it... coffee at Starbucks is 100 plus... and more likely, with my neuropathy worst in the evening... I wouldn't want to go...

Hay naku! Nakakasad...

bangag pa ko last night...

Nung sulat ko yung last entry... bangag sa byahe... I really don't travel well... tapos iyak pa ko ng iyak... ewan ko sa inyo, pero ako pagtapos ko iyak, aantok ako... pero di ako makakatulog kasi barado ilong ko dahil sa natuyong uhog... hay naku, kung walang uhog na kasama yung iyak... di masyadong convincing 'no... hehehehehehehehehe...

Taposin ko na 'tong Skins... para start ko na "Games of Thrones"...

episode 7

Effy has been in a psychiatric hospital, but with the help of Anthea and her counsellor John Foster, she finds the will to get stronger and return home. Her life is now dictated by routine and self-control. Anthea has completely cleared out her room so that there’s no evidence of the old Effy remaining. She appears happy, clear and hopeful for the future. However, Anthea and Freddie become worried about her counsellor's methods when she begins to reject her identity, her friends and her bad memories. She relapses when she and Cook walk past the scene of Tony’s accident and returns to hospital. Effy is upset when Foster arrives and Freddie threatens him, telling him to stay away. Foster then invites Freddie to his home where he admits to using unusual methods in Effy's case and to having feelings for her. However, as Freddie is about to leave, he finds the door is locked. Foster then lifts a baseball bat and brutally beats Freddie to death. Final appearance of Freddie. 

Tapos, last episode, episode 8...

Karen and Cook are worried about Freddie's whereabouts. Karen gives Cook Freddie's notebook, which hints that John Foster wants to hurt Effy. The police raid Naomi's house after Cook's one night stand tells them where he is. Cook escapes and flees to Freddie's shed where he meets Effy. The rest of the gang meet there and throw a birthday party for Freddie in his absence. Naomi admits her love for Emily, who in turn takes her back. Cook heads outside briefly where he spots a figure observing Freddie's house and follows it, assuming it to be John Foster. Thomas and Pandora also make up. Cook breaks in to John's basement where he finds Freddie's blood-stained clothes. Foster soon arrives with the baseball bat and knocks him to the ground, telling him that he is “nothing." Cook rises, laughing and admits he is a criminal and has no sense. He then tells John that he knows he killed Freddie. He suddenly attacks and swings at Foster as the episode ends, leaving their fates unknown. Final appearances of Effy, Pandora, Thomas, JJ, Emily, Naomi, Cook, and Katie. 

So, I have stopped crying and started thinking... life goes on, I know... I don't know what is happening to me... my brother observe that I have been quite emotional lately... di naman daw ako ganun dati... true... di ko alam... napakaiyakin ko lately... and needy... grabe... palagi ko hinahanap yung kapatid ko... nagkakaroon ako ng separation anxiety... nung punta ako sa RITM kahapon magisa... I keep texting him... ito pa, ewan ko, di na normal siguro 'to... I asked him to tack me to bed at night and stay there to watch over me until I fall asleep... I was never like that before... Before, I actually hate to even have someone else in my room, I can't sleep!!!

I don't know... maybe the drugs... My mom likes it... I text her, sometimes call, to tell her I am to sleep na... then, I tell her that I love her... dati kahit nga pasko di kami nagtatawagan eh...

So yun, mahal yung gamot... and yung mga test...

Well, yung mga test naman sa December pa... I still have time to raise the funds... hopefully I would be able to...

The gamot... well, mahal talaga siya... but maybe, I could do a day at a time... it is still Php47.25 a day but yun... I am telling you, tinitiis ko lang yung sakit ng paa ko... I need this... tipong, try na lang iraos... 

So, I had my brother go and buy me 2 sets, for 2 days... that's Php94.50...

Then, binasa ko ulit yung last entry ko... and saw this...

"provides significant pain relief in about a third of people who take it for fibromyalgia or chronic neuropathic pain. It is also effective in reducing narcotic usage post operatively and is helpful in neuropathic pain due to cancer. It has not been shown to be useful for HIV associated sensory neuropathy. When used for neuropathic pain it does not appear superior to carbamazepine. Further evidence is needed to determine if it is effective for migraine prevention. It appears to be equally effective as pregabalin and is of lower cost. It does not appear to be of benefit in treating complex regional pain syndrome." 

Plus, I went over again the article at Wikipedia... ang dami pala controversies yung Gabapatin... ang sakit ng ulo ko...

Pero, okay-okay... sige... I need to trust the doctor... it was prescribe... they know better... I really need to trust in that...

Ewan... dasal na lang siguro... dasal na lang ng dasal hangang mapakingan na Niya ko...

I do have a great sense of direction...

I need to find a place... I stumble to it immediately, like I know where exactly it is... I'm lucky that way... I was at RITM, OPD Annex was moved, don't know where, but just walked on a general direction and there I was... the same thing happened actually when I went to RITM the first time... that was May... never been to Alabang before... but when I got there, I was told to look for the new firehouse, literally I stumbled on it... nadapa ako as usual ng walang karason-rason and when I look as I pick myself up, there's the firehouse... galing 'no...

I went kasi last night I notice na kounti na lang yung ARV ko... and indeed for 9 days na lang siya, so tipong 1 weeks na lang... eh ayoko naman mangyari ulit tulad nung huli na naubusan ako at tipong laki ng problema... so I decided to go... long due na rin kasi yung need for me to see a doctor... because of my neuropathy and the blood stain on my sputum...

Good thing pa, I went later... I was planning sana to go really early to avoid traffic... like before 6am early... mabuti na lang natakot ako sa lamig tubig pag naligo ako... so I left around 9 na, and arrived at RITM almost 11 am na... buti na lang, kasi there were no doctors available... the doctor only came after lunch... but even so, I was only able to talk to a doctor around 3 pm na... 

Wait... do you maintain a private doctor? Should I maintain a private doctor and just go to RITM for ARV refills? 

Why am I even asking, as if I could afford it...

O sige, out of curiosity...

So I told the doctor about the neuropathic pain... I told her about the last time when I told about the doctor about it, and was recommended to take Vitamin B Complex... I told her that I was taking Neurogen E... but to no avail... so she decided to put me on Gabapentin, which when I check, according to wikipedia:

 "provides significant pain relief in about a third of people who take it for fibromyalgia or chronic neuropathic pain. It is also effective in reducing narcotic usage post operatively and is helpful in neuropathic pain due to cancer. It has not been shown to be useful for HIV associated sensory neuropathy. When used for neuropathic pain it does not appear superior to carbamazepine. Further evidence is needed to determine if it is effective for migraine prevention. It appears to be equally effective as pregabalin and is of lower cost. It does not appear to be of benefit in treating complex regional pain syndrome." 

Sounds promising... she also recommended a Vitamin B complex brand, as it is more concentrated... Neurobion?

I also mention about the blood streak on my phlegm... explaining that I was a TB patient, recovering, I hope... She was a bit concern... but when I explained the circumstances, like I have no shortness in breathe or difficulty in breathing, no fever, no lost of appetite... she was relieved... she think it is just gasgas sa lalamonan... but just to make sure and anyway it was my fifth month of therapy... she wants me to take sputum test...

And then, maybe she just thought to ask, if the family have a history of diabetes, which, yes we do... and she thinks, though I am too young, high blood sugar can also cause neuropathy... so she also wants me to take blood sugar test, I forgot the right term but basically that is another test...

So, I started on ARV around 2nd week of June... My CD4 was done about a week or so before that... so my 2nd CD4 should be around 1st week of December... the doctor noted that... and educated me na malakas magpapayat ang Stavudine... she explained that perhaps the reason why I was given Stavudine before was because I have low hemoglobin... so she ordered, aside from CD4 count, CBC... she also just gave me just a month supply of ARV, since yun nga, next month, I might be given a different combination of ARV...

On Skins season 4, Episode 5: JJ is in love with Lara Lloyd, a fellow employee at a confectionery shop, but lacks the courage to ask her out. Thomas gets JJ to ask her out and she accepts. He visits Lara’s flat and discovers that she is a single mother with a young child. Lara’s ex-boyfriend, Liam, walks in and threatens JJ, telling him to leave Lara and his child alone. The date goes disastrously as a result, and Lara leaves. JJ finds her and they have sex at Lara’s. JJ returns home but his mother takes him to the clinic for more medication. JJ lets Lara meet Naomi and Emily. Upstairs, Emily tells JJ that Lara is using him to get back at her ex. JJ snaps at Emily and makes remarks on her own relationship, reducing her to tears. JJ’s family also think Lara is a slut and she leaves, offended. JJ becomes angry and beats up Liam when he sees him talking to Lara, who then calls off their relationship. JJ apologises to Liam who tells JJ he loves his child and for JJ to look after Lara. JJ serenades Lara with a ukelele version of 'True' by Spandau Ballet, and she takes him back.


On my way home, I pass by Mercury Drug... I took out the prescription for my neuropthy... and have them priced it... Gabapantin is Php29.75 each, a table a day, for 15 days... and the Neurobion is Php17.50 each, a tablet a day, for 30 days... so I was looking at Php446.25, just for the Gabapantin... and if I just get 15 tablets of the neurobion, Php262.50... I only just have Php1500... naiyak ako...


Wala, naawa ako sa sarile ko... wala kasi akong pambili... akala ko kasi matatapos na yung hirap ko... yung sakit... I was so hopeful... pero, yun nga... mahal pala... tapos I started thinking saan ko kukunin yung pambayad dun sa mga test... CD4 alone cost Php3000... as it is hirap na hirap na kami to make things meet... so yun, sa paglabas ko ng Mercury, naiyak na lang ako... try ko pigilan kasi nakakahiya... pero wala... di ko mapigilan... umupo na lang ako sa isang tabi... 


Feeling ko kasi talong talo na ko... and as much as I want to fight back it is either I am starting to believe that it is no use... o pagod na pagod na lang ako...


Syempre drama lang yan... wala naman ako choice but to get up, wipe my tears away, hail a jeep... get home and be crazy again to believe everything is going to be okay...

image 009

RON MORALES