I used to work out a lot before...

I thought I had too... well, before I got sick, diagnosed HIV+, I was actually worried about hypertension and diabetes... it runs in the family, complications from diabetes actually claimed two lives already in the family and everybody is hypertensive... eh I love to eat... I eat a lot... mahilig pa ako sa kanin, pinoy na pinoy pa akong kumain... yah, carbo loading... merienda ko nga kanin lamig at tirang ulam... so, tipong if I don't work out before, super taba siguro ako...

Before, I was with Fitness First, pero tinigil ko... di ko kasi masakyan na kailangan cute pa rin ako habang nagwowork out... di tipong dito sa bahay lang... nakaunderwear lang kaya akong magwork out... o di ba mas sexy... hahahahahahahaha...! Plus mahal... makakabili ka ng treadmill worth 5thousand, magkano membership, 2 plus...? so di ba... wala ka nga lang hot shower at steam room... but hey, I can dance...

I'll coordinated kasi ako, ako yung kalse ng taong nadadapa ng walang karason rason... so di ako pwede dun sa mga body combat/ aerobic sessions... di ako makakasunod, accident zone pa ko... eh sa bahay, full volume ang ipod ko, sayaw to death, kala mo kagalingan... gawin mo yan ng 15-30 minutes everyday, magsasayaw ka lang na parang luka-luka, ewan ko lang kung di ka pumayat...

Maginvest ka sa dumbells, I have a pair of dumbells , 8 lbs each... di naman ako nagpapalaki ng katawan eh, for health reason lang naman siya, and I don't think bagay sa akin yung buff ako, mas gusto ko slim lang, well toned, di yung namumutok sa muscles... habang nood ng TV... ako nga pagkakain eh, habang nood pa rin tv... kahit nakaupo lang...

Kahit dumbells lang, just be creative with using them, okay ka na... well, I was lucky, kasi my uncle buys all this gym equipment... so yun... di mo kailangan but it helps... may abs rocket nga ako eh... pero mas gusto ko doing it on the floor...

Basta ako nun... katwiran ko kasi, papakamatay ako sa kakawork out... araw-araw nga eh... wag mo lang papakialaman pagkain ko... di ko magets yung work out to death tapos di mo pa rin makain gusto mo... I hate the concept of diet before, watching what I eat... hay naku...! well, dahil ayoko ng restraint sa food so kahit siguro ilang abdominal crunches gawin ko di ako nagka-abs... pero okay lang... I did still look good naked before... hahahahhahahaha...

Wala lang, I am going back to working out kasi eh...

I think I have gotten rid of everyone who is sipag mag twit...

thinking they are nonsense flooders... so nothing much is gong on in my twitter home page: @casuallypositiv... follow me... and so I was reading the Yo Momma trend... I won't do it, because I think it's so mean spirited, but there were three that made me really laugh... just want to share...

"You're so fat, when you sat on an iphone, you created the ipad..."

Not so funny...?

"You're so fat, when you pass by in front of the tv, I missed the whole season of Vampire Diaries..." 

and...

"You're so fat, when you weighed yourself, the weighing scale said "to be continued"

So babaw ba me...? anyway... look at this...

Hot siya 'no...? You don't think so...? ang choosy you naman... he is some guy from Planetromeo... medyo mayabang... well, mukha naman may ipagyayabang... he wanted to fuck me daw... di off na agad ako... wag ganun... anyhow, I love it that my pictures there still screams slut... hahahahahahahaha... if only... well, I photograph really well... that you wouldn't be able to connect me in person and my pictures... want to see...? naaaah... hahahahahahahaha...

And here we go again...

I believe that somewhere in an alternate universe, I am still as fabulous... or more fabulous that I can think off... but in this universe... unfortunately, every sneeze feels like I am a step closer to my grave... bummer! So far from when before, as long as I am able to get up and walk, I am going to work...

Before kasi, even when I was at the height of being sick, I was having a hard time producing sputum, which was needed for testing... and that only until I went back here in Manila that I  started to have mucus, nothing serious... just mucus when you wake up... but this past few days, I have noticed that the mucus is stained... I knew it is something to be concerned about but then otherwise I was feeling okay... I don't experience shortness of breath or chest pain... I almost always feel tired but I pass that as being bored here at home...

But then last night... well it was already pass 2 in the morning, I coughed out what I thought was just mucus but then it was with so much blood... bright red, I spit a couple of times and blood... It really scared me... 

I was so scared, I called my mom... which upset my brother since my mom would again get worried sick about me... and yes, maybe I shouldn't have called my mom, as she wouldn't be able to do anything... or my brother thinks so... but I was so scared... I wanted to run into the arms of the one who I know would love me regardless... my mom... but my mom is working abroad so I have to content myself just hearing her voice over the phone... it was not much of getting assurance from her... or security... I was not expecting she would take away my fear... it was, if I am going to die, I would want to die in her arms...

I need to see a doctor, according to google... coughing out blood is serious... specially that I am recovering from Tuberculosis... 

It's been awhile... like 6 months, awhile...

Sam agreed to buy me dinner... but then we chatted over FB 6:00,  was hungry and we are only to meet by 7:30... so I went with my brother to grab dinner, thinking Sam and I can grab coffee first and just, perhaps, have a late dinner...

Starbucks now have free wifi access... I don't know if it was just the shop we went in... Sam said it's because Seattle's Best at the next door offers it free... pero naman... ang tigas naman ng mukha ng Starbucks, kung McDo Santolan nga free access, sila eh...

It's been awhile... She and Joyce have broken up already...

I have met Joyce a couple of times... I won't say I like her but neither do I have a reason to hate her, even despite Sam's complain about her so called immaturity... even if she keeps texting me just to check if really Sam was with me...

"So, may bago na...?" I asked.

"Someone from Cebu..." she answered.

"Someone from Cebu who is here na o she is still there...?" 

"She is still in Cebu..."

"Not counted... unless you do SOP... then perhaps..."

And she told me about this girl in the office who she flirts with through text... The girls flirts back... but that was it... only through text, they see each other in the office everyday... 

"She sends mix signals..." she complains.

"Well, flirting is fun... it gives you a sense of affirmation that you are desirable..."

"You think...?"

"Well, not really an expert on lisbo dating... but I'm quite sure it works that way most of the time... now, the question would be, what separate men from the boys?"

"Hinahamon mo ko...?"

We were at Eastwood, as usual... we went to the tiange... was looking for anklet... bangles anklet... saw long bracelets, fake channel... fake Bulgari... but nice... tindera said, purposely long so if it is too long we can just cut it... 300 pesos each... if only I have money... Sam found some rings... nice too...

We also found some nice pants... love to have them but I am still too thin... "pagmalaki na ulit ako..." I told Sam, but really, I also don't have money... lots of cheap but nice shirts... and saw transparent wallets... I always like transparent things... hmmmm...?

I need to go back working...

It was nearing 12 midnight... way pass my bed time... I was in the mood for pizza and pasta... actually been craving for the longest time... I thought of Fazoli... Fazoli was no more... it is now Big Oli... one of the crew said, same menu, only better...  indeed, same menu... they just change name... maybe management... I don't know... I don't care, as long as I am having my pepperoni pizza...

image 007

XL_HOTTIE

awfully... awfully disappointed...

I just finished a set of ARV and so, yes... It have been a month, it's time to weigh in again... well, I did a weigh in about 10 days or so ago and that was disappointing too but then, I thought, well it have not been a month... but now... I didn't gain any... not even just a pound... I remained at 110 lb... 

God, it suck big time!!!

Okay... I'll up my carbo--rice--consumption a 100%... I usually just have 1 cup of rice, I'll do 2 cups...

I have started working out last week... nothing extraneous... well, I do weight training... I don't do cardio... cardio would be trying to loose weight, I am trying to build... and my feet still hurt big time... so no cardio yet... just weights...  

Oh yeah... I also need to get myself another bottle of vitamins... I am taking Enervon... my father actually bought it for me when I was still in Davao... I just didn't take it as I thought I have been taking too much drugs already... I have only decided to because of my neuropathy, as reading the label it is mostly Vitamin C and B complex... 50/50... 

But I am thinking instead of Enervon, I am to take Mike Enriquez's endorsed Neurogen E... well, it is really for the nerve system... containing mainly of B complex and Vitamin E... so it would be more focused on my neuropathy...

My bigger problem is my TB meds... I have been cleared with TB, but I still need to take the medication until December to avoid relapse... which is more dangerous and often time fatal... the bacteria develops resistance... I am on my last set, which would only last for a week... 

Hmmmm...

It was transferred to the province, my records for TB meds... and so yun... I can try to get it from RITM but I think they would require sputum test... which would be a lot of hassle for that would be for 3 days, early morning sputum... I am from Pasig...

I could buy... oh yeah, I don't have money... 

Away kami ni brother...

Well, as usual, si brat na ako, sinabayan pa ng sumpong ko... ayun, may I speech si brother ng "pagnakapera ako, uwi na talaga ako sa probinsya..." 

Hmp... binigyan ko nga siya ng 2500... bahala siya... umuwi siya dun kung gusto niya... iwan niya ko...

Ewan ko kung tototohanin niya but ganun naman kami magkapatid... magaaway, magkakasagotan, we would argue... but after, as if nothing happened... oras nga lang eh... bati na ulit kami...

Alam naman ng boung pamilya yun, na ako si maiksi ang pasensya at mainitin ang ulo... pero alam din naman nila na madaling lumipas ang init ng ulo ko... and my brother, mapasensya talaga siya... that, I think why nagwowork yung relationship namin dalawang magkapatid...

Anyway-highway... since, my brother is with me, siya palagi yung bumibili sa friendly sari-sari store... and so di na ko madalas makita dun... eh this morning, ako yung bumili, and I was told na tumaba na ko... hopefully...

I do weigh in every 22nd, pagkaubos ko ng set of ARV...last month I was 110 lb... and the month before that 100 lb... sana nga, I have gained another 10 lb... 

Alarm goes off 7:55...

I set it 5 minutes before eight in just encase... Encase like I don't want to get up just yet... Encase I need to get water... or whatnot... I let it snooze and after 5 minutes, it alarms again... I know I have to really get up already and take my ARV...

I thought I was hungry... but there was no food... we have to go out... no, no coffee either.... because that have been my breakfast before... coffee and smoke, in the bathroom, setting at the toilet... reading something... so no coffee, no reading in the bathroom... I'm afraid it would make me want to smoke again...

My rooms a mess, my bed have been made up for weeks already... well, I stay on in almost all day... clothes flung all over, the floor need some sweeping... 

So I did... In the tune of "Hold it Against Me", there is nothing like Britney Spears in the morning...

I love to dance... I just can't... I have two left feet, I'm ill coordinated... I'm someone who falls flat on his face for no apparent reason...

Two hours later, the room have semblance...

And with all the dancing, sweeping, folding and whatnot, my heart beat have been raised... found my dumb bells, two-eight pounders... and started doing repetition... it was hard... heavy... I used to do this no problem before... before I got sick... starting over again suck...

My brother walks in...

"Wow!" he exclaimed...

"And your point is...?"

"I'm hungry... kain tayo..."

I succumbed... it's 11 am...

i need a job...

It's apparent... My family advised me otherwise... my mom wants to make sure that I am a-okay 100% before I go back to work and get stressed... but then... I can't live this way... asking for my parents for financial support... even if I were 22, it won't be alright, I'm 32...

I like to go back to my old call center job only because of the familiarity... I have been with them for 3 years and basically I know my way around... no one can boss me around unless they are really the boss... plus I have friends there already... I really don't have to adjust much... and with my employee number, I think they would adjust to me... 

Otherwise, I don't think I want another call center job... I don't think I want to start all over again on another company, on another program... it is not as easy as you think... call center's may pay better, but every centavo takes it's worth...

I need a job with flexible time... that I own my time... well, I am anticipating getting sick... I need a job that if I need to take time out and rest, I can... and as much as possible I need to stay home... or at least does not require 15 minutes travel... mainly because I don't travel well... I get so stressed... I actually get sick...

I am trying to see online jobs... but so far I am not seeing anything... either not credible or not qualified...

Hmmmmm...

Oh My God! He was that kid!

I know, definitely he was too young but can't an old bag such as I admire? Specially, that he look so good on his tank top, he have been working out... he was begging for it... 

I have been seeing him around the friendly neighborhood carenderia, where we eat... where I have been eating since I moved here which is, give and take, 11 years...

I have actually caught him looking at me a couple of times, just that, even if indeed he caught my attention too, he is too young and I am always with my brother... so flirting back was not an option... which, thank GOD, I didn't as I realized he was that chubby kid!!!

He was one of the owner's nephews and nieces, from Pampanga, that comes and stay... they hung around and because I go there everyday, twice a day even, we have been friendly, at least the older ones... he was then just a kid... dark chubby kid--not so cute... and so not pay much attention to him... but he was rather friendly then... He always smiles when he sees me... 

No wonder he was looking at me... I guess he was wondering what happened to me...?

"Narereject ka pa?"

It was in a group date... and I was telling them about why I don't want meeting people off the internet unless it's a group action I am being invited to... That was how that question was directed to me... di ba, ang ganda ko!? hahahahahahhaha...!

Modesty aside, I think I am one of the better looking ones... before... and that if I joke about getting a sex partner under 10 minutes by merely standing there, my gayfriends believe I could do so... But to answer that question yes I get rejection... even from the guys who actually  have no right at all to reject anyone, physical-wise... like really, choosy ka pa!?

The thing was... when I joke I can get a sex partner under 10 minutes by merely standing there, I do... I go to a bar, or a bath house... even a Starbucks... in 10 minutes tops, not even smiling in general direction... There would be someone who master their guts to walk up to me and hoping to get lucky... I hate small talks and chitchat and so were gone in 60 second...

Now remember friendster? Yah, like ancient history, huh?

Friendster run on the concept: 6 degree of separation... refers to the idea that everyone is on average approximately six steps away, by way of introduction, from any other person on Earth, so that a chain of, "a friend of a friend" statements can be made, on average, to connect any two people in six steps or fewer... like a friend is a friend of a friend of Kevin Bacon... yes, Kevin Bacon, originally but feel free to substitute him with anyone you fancy except Justin Beiber, that's just wrong...


Now get this... You have unprotected sex with someone who have unprotected sex with someone who had protected sex but the condom broke with someone who had unprotected sex in a comfort room who had the best... most unforgettable shagging of his life with me.... who then was not aware that he was an HIV carrier...


I enjoy group sex...


I have sex every week, different partners, most of the time unprotected... except when I have a boyfriend... I don't usually have as much sex when I'm in a committed relationship...


Hmmmmmm....

It was a foursome...

What, I enjoy group action... I wouldn't have agreed to it otherwise... I don't like meeting people off the net... I don't like subjecting myself to rejection... So yun... makikipagmeet lang ako kung yung invitation nga eh for group fun... Kasi, kung di ako type nung isa baka yung isa type ako... Plus, I am a bonafide versa... which means, I actually enjoy getting bottomed as much as I enjoy being top... ako pa yung feeling bitin kung nagtop lang o nagbottom lang...

Just that, last night... I had one hot dream... and waking up wet... I think my body needs to have sex already... I need to get Fucked!!! 

I used to have sex almost every week... Until, I started  getting sick and thinking back, the last time I had sex, the foursome, was early May, 1st and 2nd week... I was hospitalized May 27... So, it have been 5 months, more or less...

Well, my feet still hurts so bad due to the neuropathy... plus, low cash, so even if I decide to just endure the pain and go out, I don't think I can afford it... Plus, going to bars, I think it would make me want to smoke again... and I think I'm still to thin... I still need to build my body up again...

I don't think I have the confidence to be naked... and plus, I have a baggage now... Well, I guess if it is just casula sex, as long as we use protection, I don't have to reveal my HIV status like I'm really not going to ask for his--more likely he would lie...

image006

weight: 110 lb

Still just 110 lb...

We are to fly back to Davao on November 5...

"Ganun ba ako kapayat," I asked my brother as we walk out of the subdivision to get sustenance, it was a teenage boy with an under develop body...

"Hindi..." my brother answered...

"I'm thinner?" I asked.

"Hindi..."

Hmmmmmm...

I have to check google maps...

Shameful... 

I grew up in Pangasinan but I don't know where Malasiqui is... it's far flung... irrelevant... just that they were from there... 

When I was hospitalized the second time at RITM, they were at the next room... and just when they were about leave my brother caught them speaking in our dialect, or was it the other way around...? Anyhow, happy to see a fellow Pangasinense, they talked about us--their patient... and there, I met the mother and the sister, but not him... and to what I understand he was doing much better than I was... mainly because he was able to sleep well, and he was eating... me, my appetite was nowhere to be found then, and if I get to sleep for 30 minutes, I'd be lucky... They got my brother's number... and from time to time they text him... 

Mostly, it was like comparing notes... they want to know how I am, for what was my state should be their child's state too, after all we were both PLHIV... But, I was fine... well, not fine-fine, I went through a lot... Him, Apparently, he was very sick... with lesion due to scratching all over his body... which was due to itching, which, I suspect was due to the ARV or other medications... 

The thing was, I am doing fine... at least, better than him, who was loosing hope, self pitying and utterly wanting to give up... and so they want to bring me in to talk to him... 

I don't think I am qualified... as much as I want to help... 

I went through all those he was going through... I was on sleeping pills and antidepressant for a time... and even now, I still have my sumpong... just the other night, I threw everything off the bed-tossing and turning...  

But the boy needs help... give him all the pills and antidepressants money can buy but the kid need someone to talk to... Mainly because more than anything else, what help me then was talking... I was talking to a pastor who have suffered from depression too... when he was actually telling his story, he was as if telling my own story... and it was reassuring... Sure, the sleeping pill was great and the antidepressant helped me be civilized... but it was more of the talking about it that helped me...

I want to help... reach out... I feel like I need to do something... but what...?

Photo credit: 

"View of Malasiqui Church from Public Plaza"

http://www.panoramio.com/photo/27111217

"Sexorcism?"

"Sex para makalimutan ang ex..." Kate answered.

"Pero, matagal na yung last ex mo ah... don't tell me, hangang ngayon..."

Her eyebrow went to orbit...

"BJ?" her technical mentor whom she was crushing on... but for some reason ignores her despite Kate being one of the more attractive species in the office... 

Her eyebrow went to Jupiter...

"Go back to basics," I suggested, "tuksohin mong bakla..."

She laughed...

risky business

Reusable but fashionable canvas tote bag...

That is what we need as Muntinlupa and Pasig—hopefully other cities and municipalities follow suite—enforces a ban of plastics bag... 

It is a very noble city ordinance, but the thing is people just changed medium, from plastic to paper bags... basura pa rin... At least, with plastic bags, we save them for the future use, even just for the trash can... I think that really the idea of the ordinance is to force people in using reusable bags like we use to with basket and bayong... But since they are no longer fashionable—hey, fashion people, join the bandwagon and bring back this 2 marketing essentials... 

They have to be fashionable and cheap...like this “Karl who?” canvas tote bag...

Because Savemore do have this tote bags... but they are ugly... So, I think it is not clicking much... 

“Ang tagal ko na di nakakapanood ng sine... siguro more than 10 years na...” 

My brother meant, nakakapasok ng movie house... on the big screen, he gets to see movies through DVD and DVD rips downloaded over the internet... 

It cost too much to see a movie in Dubai... 

“Want to watch “No Other Woman”?” I joked, I do, but I don't think it would be his cup of tea... “we'll try to see it on 3D...?” 

wwwaite...

Nobody said anything about a date... he just asked me if we can get together over twitter--@casuallypostiv... I ignored it... then, for coffee... to which I replied, pizza and pasta would have been more tempting... he was amiable to it and gave his number...

I messaged back that I still look shit... give me a month or two... but if this is not a date, it shouldn't matter how I look like... right?

Hmmmmm...