I would like to say thank you to M.S., intials na lang muna, baka kasi ayaw niya pabangit pangalan niya, mabwesit pa siya sa akin... I already emailed him naman na, saying thank you... so even if this seemed so impersonal, I hope the email would rectify that...
He donated through paypal... I won't mention how much he donated... di na importante kung magkano, any amount will do naman... but I guess I could share na it's a long way to go to reach 3 thousand which I need for my CD4, which nga pala, first week ng January 1st yata, pero since holiday pa... parang ginawang 1st week na lang...
Kahapon, I was fighting back... I didn't want to feel down... I still want to believe everything will work out... kaya bumili ako ng shades sa banketa... fake rayban na blue, the same shades I was wearing dun sa isang naging profile pic ko sa twitter before... that shades, binili namin sa UP fair nung February, it was for 120 daw, natawaran namin ng 100... eh nabali ko siya... kahapon, dun sa paglabas sa station, nakita ko siya... dun lang ako nakakita ng ganun... so yun, binili ko, lalo pa akong naaliw kasi fifty pesos lang siya...
I was down... una... well, kasi I was declared clear of TB last August or September yata... and now it is back... and honestly... di ko alam how to tell my mom... na I am still sick... plus yung additional test na hinihingi and I need to have it by Monday... I have to, wala na ko ARV... eh I was down to my last thousand... so yun kahit na gutom na gutom na ko... milk lang kaya breakfast ko at walang lunch... sabi ko sa bahay na lang ako kakain... so paguwi ko, akala ni brother everything was okay...
And I thought I was okay...
The next morning... early... me and my brother went to the polyclinic so to have the test done... I have 560 pesos on my pocket, the only money I have... akala ko the test would just be at most 300, kasi yung 3 sputum test, CBC with platelet count and FBS, so I thought mga ganun lang... but it turned out 1005.00 pesos yung test... nanghina ako... I just rushed home, sumunod naman si brother... and I decided to give up... ayoko na... I was just to stay in bed and await death... wala na ko balak magsalita... kumain... uminom ng gamot... ayoko na...
Kasi feeling ko, talonan na ko eh... dapat yata tangapin ko na lang yun... tama na...
Di naman ako suicidal... may takot ako sa Diyos... but I was praying... begging for death to come already... swiftly sana... para at least tapos na... my brother can go on with his life... si mama, di na mapapagod... tapos na paghihirap nila... yun din eh... feeling ko, di ako mapatawad ng Diyos... sa lahat ng ito... kasi kung di naman sa kapusokan ko, di ba...? Kung naging responsable sana ako... di ba? Di lang pamilya ko yung pinahirapan ko... I'm thinking, madami siguro ako nahawaan at ngayon naghihirap din... tipong, ang dami ko kasalanan na tama siguro na di ako basta basta mapapatawad and that I deserve to suffer as much... so I was actually willing na maipatapon sa imperyno... basta lang matapos na yung paghihirap ng pamilya ko... and yes, this time, I am contemplating on suicide...
Pero kasi gusto ko sigurado na patay ako... and sana... they won't find my body anymore... para wala ng libing...
But I'm still here... nature ko yata...
No comments:
Post a Comment