Too bad it was not part of my resolutions last year... Well, the thing was that, quit smoking have been a part of my resolution from year past and I have always failed to do so... so I felt, I should no longer put it as part of my resolution for 2011 and just be it, anyhow, I had no other vise, I don't drink... I don't really party... don't do drugs, have not tried any even... I try to live a healthy life style... I workout every day, eat a balance diet... I go to church and hear mass every Sunday... so like really... what if I smoke?! I was allowing myself one indiscretion...
I was still smoking in my hospital room... that was how my dad so loved me... he allowed it despite the whole hospital compound prohibit smoking and much more, I am sick... it was just a puff or two... or three... after every meal... this was during the first week... the doctors have no idea what was going on, what was causing my fever... It was already confirmed that I was HIV+ and that my CD4 count was only 22... but which infection was attacking my unfortified body, that they have not figured yet... but alas, the day of my birthday... 3rd day of June... the test of my sputum came out, it was positive of Tuberculosis...
And upon knowing that, almost automatically, my body shun out smoking... Never did crave... I think I did experience withdrawal but I was also busy being sick, adjusting to my TB meds and ARV then... but I think what helped most was that, no one was smoking... and that now, six months after, i even get irritated with the smell of cigarettes...
My brother still smokes... we actually have argued and quarreled over it... mainly because I can't stand the smell... and I could smell it even if he is outside the house...
So, I won't be dating a guy who smokes...? You must really be one hell of guy for me to be able to look pass it... but I am not closing my doors... hahahahahahahahahaha...
Resolutions... I do... lots of plans actually... but then, I am thinking, I have this notion in my head, that once 2011 is over so does my problems... my health problems in particular... and that I have a clean slate for 2012, no TB, no neuropathy... no what so ever... all those gone with 2011... I know, fool me...
Well, I have to get a job... I can't go on living like this... a bum... they explain to me I am not being a bum, I am recovering for almost death... but it still feels like bumming around... I miss having my own money... and spending it and justifying it as I worked hard for it... like, yes, I don't need another bag but I want it and I deserved it because I worked hard for it... But that is another thing... I am to be very careful with money... although, I have always been careful with money... I remain debt free... and that I did had savings before... it just run out now...
That would actually be the first order of business for 2012, get me a new job...
I also wanted my old body back, even better... be working out more aggressively... I want to look better... healthier... mainly because I still want to look hot... and in preparation of becoming an HIV counselor... because there was this one... I don't know where he came from but he went in my hospital room, he was all skinny and his skin was riddled with something... he said he is offering counseling... I out rightly said no, and send him out... well, my mom and dad didn't know, so it was kept under wraps and so even mentioning HIV/AIDS is forbidden in my room as much as possible and here is a sickly looking guy to supposedly inspire me, tell me, that there is life after HIV... looking at him, not very inspiring... not something I want...
I also want to find that one guy... whom I would love... and hopefully he would love me too... you see, looking back at my relationships... I never really love them... I am not sure if they loved me but basically I was just being polite and grateful before... well, it was they like me... they mastered the guts to tell me so... and so I thought, I should be nice to them... so really... this time, I want to fall in love and hopefully... they would love me back too...
Money, health and love... am I shooting for perfection here? Anyhow, Happy new year to all of you...
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