I still believe in God..

Creator of heaven and earth... I still do... I still believe in Jesus Christ, His Only Son, He is still my Lord... I believe He was conceived through the Holy Spirit... and was born by the Virgin Mary... He suffered under Pontius Pilate... That He was crucified... died... and descended to death... I believe that on the third day He rouse again... He ascended into the heaven... seated at the right hand of the Father... I still believe He would come again to judge the living and the dead...

I still believe in the Holy Spirit... The Holy Catholic Church...? Not so... I do have high respect though to Pope John Paul II... The Communion of Saint... yes, I think so... The Forgiveness of Sins, in which I am so dearly counting on... The Resurrection of the body... check and not like zombie thing... I still believe in life ever lasting...

And that at night I still pray to Him, the Heavenly Father... hallow His Name... hoping His will thy be done on earth as it is there in heaven...

Every Night, before I sleep... I asked Him, and thank Him for all His blessing... to how little... even for each sorrow, praying He just didn't want me to be in temptation and that He was delivering me... and that I ask for forgiveness... as I try to forgive those who have sin against me...

And that I hail Mary... She have always been full of grace... The Lord is with Her... She was blessed among women... that the fruit of her womb is blessed... She is Holy, Mother to us all, I ask her to pray for me, I ask her three times every night... until the hour of my death...

I glorify the Father...

I glorify the Son...

I glorify the Holy Spirit...

I glorify since the beginning and that forever shall it be... in world that won't end...

I beg Jesus, that He forgive my sins... that He would save me from the fires of Hell and that He would led all Souls to heaven, specially those like me who needed so much mercy...

I pray... I have always prayed... despite knowing I am not one of those favored ones... I believe that, too, you see... while other's have it easy, they really don't need to utter as much as an amen... they are such as I who would have to beg and cry... but I never lost faith Him... to His Mother... There were times that I did not understand and refused to pray... but never really have I lost faith... never...

I just saw the last part...

Di ako naawa kay KC... bakit...? Sinisigaw na ng boung Pilipinas na bakla si Piolo... pero go pa rin siya... ano feeling niya, super ganda niya na kaya niyang irehabilitate at gawin tunay na lalake si Piolo... feeling niya napaka-tindi ng alindog niya na makukuntento siya sa kanya at aayawan na niya ang mga lalake...

Luka-luka...

And plus she have millions... com'on... yung iba nagpapagupit lang, siya pumunta ng States... Di pa siya pinapanganak... nakahiga na siya sa pera... and she does not have to do a day of work... 

Give Piolo the benefit of the doubt... sige... yan napala mo...

Because I can't blame Piolo for keeping appearance... career kasi niya yung on line... kasi tipong kahit gaano siya kagaling na artista at singer... nakasalalay pa rin yung pagtangap sa kanya ng tao sa kanyang sexuality...

which I don't understand... di ba dapat mas lalong bumunga ang career niya kung mag come out siya... kasi tipong, hmmmm... no longer just a dream siya for the community... parang si Niel Patrick Harris... well he did Doogie Howser, MD... surely, you knew that show...? really...? well it was a hit then but after Doogie Howser his career tank until he came out... now people don't actually care if he is married to a guy and that he is a gay activist, what they care is that he is one talented artist... yun naman kasi talaga ang importante

Embelished

Di ko alam kung ano pumasok sa kukute ko nun, basta pumunta ako dun, umakyat sa building, then kumatok, expecting Bryan to answer the door and that we will need no words, we will just be tearing each other out of our clothes… and I will have my happy ending…

Eh kung hindi naman ako isa’t kalahating tanga, di na nga ako tinetext o tinatawagan, nagpunta pa ako dun! Si Mestizo ang nagbukas ng pinto, and as soon as he saw me, automatic, tumaas ang kilay niya. How did I not anticipate that?!

Di ako nakakibo. Mabilis na lang ako tumalikod at umalis. Shit! Ang tanga-tanga ko!

Sa pagmamadali kong makaalis, di ko napansin, pagliko ko ng hagdan, nabanga ako… si Boy-Next-Door.

“Hey!” nasambit niya, “saan ka punta?” tanong niya.

Di ko na sana siya papansinin at magtutuloy tuloy na lang sa pagbaba, pero naisip ko, baka sabihin niya sa taas, “wag mo na lang bangitin na nakita mo ko sa taas, please…”

Napaisip siya sandali, at siguro naalala niya nung huli. Tumungo ito.

“Want to talk about it?” tanong niya.

“No, I’ll just go, sige na, thank you.” Sabi ko, saka nagmamadaling umalis, baka kung sino pa ang masalubong ko eh. Pinara ang unang jeep na makita ko, wala akong pakialam kung pa-saan, I just needed to get the hell out of there—buti naman, pa-Cubao…

Ang sarap kong batok-batokan, tadyak-tadyakan! What the fuck was I thinking! Ampotah! Alam niyo yung bwesit na bwesit ako na natatawa sa katangahan ko. Ang pangit ng feeling. Masakit, na feeling ko uhaw na uhaw ako, na kulang yung hangin, na hindi ko maintindihan. Na parang gusto kong magwala. Magsisigaw, manghataw ng bagay o tao, magmura ng magmura, na parang gusto kong humanap ng kaaway… ewan…

Basta, mainit ang ulo ko!

Pagmainit ulo ko, agressibo ako. Yumayabang. Umaangas… well, there is more power to being a bitch, I don’t necessarily believe that but ganito nga ako pagmainit ang ulo ko, wala akong pakialam. Punta ako dun sa bathhouse. Usually, tatayo lang ako dun sa isang tabi, iikot paminsan-minsan, pero usually maghihintay lang ako sa isang tabi, nakatingin sa floor. This time, ganun pa rin naman, pero ngayon inaabangan ko ang kung sino ang mapatingin, at kung okay, titig kung titig.

May lumapit, ang laki ng tyan, medyo matanda na. Kung dati, ngingiti lang ako, tsaka pasimpleng aalis sa kinatatayoan ko, ngayon, tinitigan ko, “magisa ka?” tanong niya. Sinagot ko, “bakit, gusto mo pa orgy?” natawa siya, di niya nakuha na naiirita ako. “Ang sexy mo naman…” sabi niya. Usually ulit mahihiya ako, pero not that time, “at gusto mo akong maikama?” tanong ko, “sorry, ayoko sa malaki ang tyan.” Sabay alis.

Puta, ang yabang ko, paki pako nga ako sa cruz!

So lakad ako paalis, may kasalubong ako, bumanga sa akin, amputah! Nilingon ko, tinignan ng masama, nakipagtitigan. Wala akong pakialam, kahit mas matangkad siya sa akin at mas malaki ang katawan. Puta, away ‘to, mainit ang ulo ko. Pero nagmove on siya. Umikot ako, din magkakasalubong ulit kami, binanga ko nga, para man lang makaganti, wala akong pakialam kong mapikon siya, away kung away ‘to. Pero di siya napikon, imbes, yinakap niya ko, diniin sa dingding at kinadyot kadyot, “ano?” hamon niya sa akin. Titig lang ako sa kanya. Hinalikan niya ko sa labi.

Laplapan kung laplapan kami dun, wala kami pakialam kung madaming nagdadaan, tumitigil para panoorin kami. Sige lang. pinayakap niya ko sa kanya, inabot ang isang hita ko at inangkla sa kanyang beywang, umaktong kumakadyot sa harapan ko. Tuloy lang ang laplapan, hangang parang nalulunod na ko. siguro ganun din siya, inurong niya mukha niya, saka hinila niya ko papasok sa isang kwarto. Nang mailock ang pinto, sinungaban nanaman niya ko, diniin sa dingding, pinaghahalikan at kinakagatkagat, ang higpit pa ng hawak niya sa akin, nasasaktan na ko. Pinilit kong kumalas sa kanya, pero mas malakas talaga siya sa akin. Tsaka niya ko binulongan ng “tang ina mo, kakantotin ko lahat ng angas mo sa katawan!”

Di ko lubos na maisip paanong narape ako? Well, kung rape ngang matatawag ‘tong nangyari sa akin. Kasi kung tatanongin niyo ko, nasarapan naman ako. Hehehehehehehehehe… Aminin niyo, fantasy niyo ‘to, yung bang marape. Hahahahahahahahahahaha…

Kinalas niya ang twalya niya, saka pilit na tinutulak ako pababa. Ayoko. Nakasandal pa rin ako sa dingding at nakatayo siya sa harap ko, hubo’t hubad. Gusto kong lumabas na lang, pero hinarang niya ko at tinulak pabalik sa dingding, “putang ina!” matigas niyang sabi, pilit pa rin akong tinutulak pababa. Nung talagang ayoko na, sinikmuraan niya ko, saka sinabonutan para isubsob sa kanyang harapan. “Isubo mo!” utos niya. At nung nanatiling nakatikom ang bibig ko, inundayan nanaman niya ko ng suntok sa tagiliran. ”Isubo mo!” Dun ko pa lang sinubo yung sa kanya, at nang di siya nasiyahan, tinampal niya ko, “tang ina mo, galingan mo!”

Naisip ko, ginagawa ko na rin lang, gawin ko na ng tama, sa abot ng makakaya ko. Nasiyahan naman siya, ilang sandali pa, umuungol na siya’t nagmumura sa sarap. “Gusto mo rin naman pala eh, aaaaaah…! Gusto mo nasasaktan pa… sige dilaan mo pa… tang ina ka… sipsipin mo…”

In fairness, dakila siya! Hahahahahahahaha… nakakangawit, sakit sa panga... hahahahahahahahaha… maganda pa katawan, mukhang naggygym araw-araw, pero hindi, talagang banat lang siguro buto niya sa trabaho, di ako magtataka kung construction worker siya o kargador.

Nakasabunot pa rin siya sa buhok ko, holding my head in place, nung una hinahayaan niya lang ako, pero bigla tinulak ang mukha ko sa kanyang harapan at kumadyot, nabilaokan ako, at naitulak siya palayo, maduwal duwal ako. Tumawa siya, at di pa ko nakakarecover, tinulak niya ko sa dingding ng nakaupo, saka pilit na pinasubo ulit sa akin, tinampal niya ulit ako nung umiling ako, at nung subo ko na, ganun ulit ang ginawa niya, kinantot niya ng kinantot ang bibig ko, pilit ko siyang tinutulak pero di siya nagpatinag, maluha-luha na ko pero di siya naawa, bagkus nasisiyahan pa siyang nakikita akong nahihirapan.

Wala akong magawa, naiisip ko na lang nun, sana pag nilabasan siya, wag sa bibig ko, wag sana niyang ipalunok sa akin ang katas niya. Sana ang trip niya ibuga sa katawan ng partner niya, mas mabuti na yun…

Bigla niyang inalis ang pagkalalake niya sa bibig ko, lumuhod siya sa harapan ko, marahas na hinalikan, kinagat kagat ng masakit ang labi ko, nangigigil. Hinila niya ko patayo, tinulak paharap sa dingding, at diniin ang katawan niya mula sa likuran ko, “kakantotin na kita...” bulong niya sa tienga ko, tsaka dinilaan at kinagatkagat. Nakasout pa ako ng brief nun, at ng hinubo niya para ilabas ang pwet ko, nakapa niya ang condom na nakaipit dun. Buti na lang, nang makuha niya yung condom, nagdesisyon siyang gamitin yun. Mabilis niya tong sinuot, saka hinila ang balakang ko ng isang kamay at ang isa na sa balikat ko, tinutulak ako pababa, naramadaman ko na lang ang matigas na bagay na yun na gumigiit sa aking likuran, at ang paggiit na yun ay nagdadala ng walang katumbas na sakit. Tumagaktak ang pawis ko, nanigas ang mga kalamnan ko, naglabasan ang litid ko, pero di ako sumigaw, o umaray man lang sa sakit. Pinigil ko, di ko binigay sa kanya ang kasiyahan maidudulot ng pagsigaw ko sa sakit.

“Kakantotin kita hangang magdugo ang puwet mo!”

Naisip ko yung eksena sa “Ang Lihim ni Antonio”, nung pinasok siya ni Uncle Joe, yung pagsigaw niya. Nung una kong mapanood yun, di ko alam kung malilibogan ba ko, maawa, o matatawa.

 

Mariin ang aking pagkakapikit, napapaigtad sa bawat marahas niyang pagsakyod sa akin mula sa likuran. Kagat labi kong pinigil mapasigaw, ayoko… di ko ibibigay sa kanya ang kaligayahang marinig ang aking daing, at kanyang malaman na nasasaktan ako. Tuloyan niya akong itinulak pababa, padapa sa kama. Mahigpit ang hawak, patuloy ang kanyang madiing pagsakyod.

Walang kasing sakit… dama ko ang ganit ng aking lamang tuyo na kumikiskis sa kanyang malaking sandata na kanyang binubunot halos lahat, saka biglang itatarak ng boung bou sa aking kaibuturan. Pilit niyang inililingon ang mukha ko sa kanyang mukha, upang ang aming labi at dila’y magugnay, at kung mangawit ay pinagkakasya ang sarile ang aking tienga ang kanyang pagdidiskitahan, iikot ang kanyang dila dun, hangang mangilo sa kiliti ang aking katawan, tuloy pa rin ang marahas niyang pagsakyod, tuloy ang pagmura niya sa akin. Pinadarama sa aking ang kanyang boung bigat.

Aaminin ko. kalakip ng sakit ng kanyang paghiwa sa kaloob-looban ko, maykakaiba rin sarap na dulot ito. Di ko mawari, nun lang ako nakantot ng ganun katindi, di ako makapagdesisyon kung gusto ko na bang matapos ang paghihirap ng kanyang pambababoy sa akin, o ang pagnanais na di matapos ang kakaibang sarap na aking nadarama.

Nabato yata siya sa kawalan ko halos ng reaksyon sa boung lakas niyang pagsakyod sa akin mula likuran, una’y pinatagilid niya, itinaas ang aking isang paa, labas masok pa rin siya habang kinakagat kagat ang aking nipple, na siyang pugad ng aking libog. Sa bou kung katawan, ang aking mga utong ay kung saan pinakamalakas ang aking kiliti, na pag ito ang binigyan pansin, kahit pagod at lupapay na, babangon at babangon ako, handang lumaban muli. Nakita niya yun, nadama ang unti-unti kong pagtigas habang kinakagat kagat ang aking utong, hangang sing tigas na ako ng bakal. “Tang ina mo, gusto mo pa lang kinakagata ang utong mo ha… ito pa…” halos mapasigaw ako sa hapdi ng muli niyang pagkagat, natakot ako na baka tuloyang bumaon ang kanyang mga ngipin sa aking dibdib at maalis ang nipple ko o masugat at magdugo, ngunit gayunpaman, kakaibang libog ang dala nito sa aking katawan.

Mas masakit, mas lalo akong titigasan, masochista kaya ako? At siya, sadista? Putsa,masakit pa rin sikmura ko sa suntok niya.

Sinapo niya sa kanyang kamy ang aking katigasan, tuloy pa rin ang kanyang paglabas masok sa akin, at mahigpit na nagtaas baba yun sa aking kahabaan. Dama ko pa rin ang sakit ngunit naibsan na ito ng kanyang paghimas sa akin, naninigas ang bou kung kalamanan, at kung kanina’y nakatagilid kami, ngayon halos nakahiga na ako sa kanyang katawan.

Ilang sandali pa, bumangon siya mula sa pagkakahiga, ayaw niya sanang mabunot ang kanyang pagkalalake sa akin, ngunit wala siyang nagawa kung di kumilos na lang ng mabilis upang pumosisyon sa nakasanayan na, ako’t nakahiga at siya sa gitna na aking mga hita na nakasampay sa kanyang magkabilang braso, muli niya akong sinuong… di na siya nagmumura… nakatitig lang siya sa akin, at di a kasing dahas ang kanyang halik, umamo ang kanyang itsura.

Ang gwapo niya… hahahahahahahahaha…

Ganun pa rin naman, halos bubunotin niya lahat, tsaka ipapasok niya ng boung bou… ngunit di na siya marahas, dahan dahan na siya ngayon, parang ninanamnam niya ang bawat pagulos niya. Wala ng galit sa kanyang pagungol… di ko alam kung ano ang nangyari, kung bakit bigla siyang parang bumait.

Ilang sandali pa… tumitindi ulit ang kanyang pagsakyod sa akin, ngunit di tulad kanina na walang pakialam, marahan pa rin siya, may ingat. Naninigas na rin ang kanyang katawan, tumutuwid at ang kanyang hininga’y lumalalim… malapit na siya… malapit na malapit na siya, hinalikan niya ko… at isang matinding pagdiin, naramdaman ko ang ilang ulit niyang pagkislot sa loob ko… tsaka binagsaka niya ang katawan niya sa ibabaw ko… di siya gumalaw… at naramdaman ko ang unti-untiniyang paglambot, hangang kusa na siyang nabunot, umurong siya ng higa sa tabi ko, ngunit yakap pa rin niya ko, dama ang hininga niya sa aking leeg…

Lami, stavu, at Efav ang combination ko...

And I take them at 8... lami at stavu in the morning... 8am... then the combo sa gabi, 8pm... I was forewarned by the doctor when I was given this combo... na to take the efav before I sleep... pero yun siya nagsabi na 8 me itake and ever since 8 ko nga tinetake...

Before, di yata maganda effect sa akin nung efav... I would be tossing and turning in bed... nangigil ako, I will kick everything off my bed... and nilayo nila lahat ng pwede kong maibato... it was really bad... sabi nga nila para akong sinasapian... kasi naninigas pa bou kung katawan...

But right now... love it na... pagka-ARV ko ng 8 ng gabi... 5 to 10 minutes, beautiful eyes na ko... hehehehehehehehe... hilo-hilo na... and before you know it, tulog na ko... tapos, vivid dreams na... sarap... minsan gusto ko palagi na lang ganun... kasi para akong lasing na I forget all our problems...

No, I sleep like a baby daw... I don't snore kaya...

I am listening to Beckynights... it is a podcast... I heard about it from @bohemian_diary(http://iamembracinglife.blogspot.com) hanap ko siya sa itunes... yung last na episode nila it was with Vice Ganda... it was so saya... tawa ako ng tawa... baklaan na kung baklaan... I think they broadcast through Ustream, video siya... pero di ko mahanap eh... and mas madali yata pag audio lang sa itunes... catch it... I am telling you... super saya...

Kaya di ako pwede sumama sa balak na meet and greet ng mga barkadang poz sa twitter... bukod sa malamang voted place eh Makati, at pasosyalan yan... pag inom ko ng efav ng 8pm... lasing-lasing na ko... baka marape ako... sana! hahahahahahahaha...

My backdrop is the Banaue Rice Terraces... also called Payew, it is often referred to as the 8th Wonder of the World... although local still plants vegetables and rice in the terraces to this day, more and more of the younger Ifugao's are opting for better life in the city and forsaking farming, thus, some of the terraces have been neglected and some part needs rehabilitation due to erosion... and contrary to popular belief, the Banaue Rice Terraces is not listed on UNESCO World Heritage Sites...

Image 011

JHONMARK MARCIA

I asked my mom for an Iphone...

For Christmas... a few months ago... when I was super sick pa... delirious pa ko nun eh... and syempre di ako mahindian ni mama... and siguro, inisip niya, malayo pa at pwede niya pagiponan... I asked her for it kasi, well, I want an Iphone, sabi ko nga, kahit second hand lang o yung lumang model, I would be fine with it... and second, it was for show... kasi my mom was worried sick kasi sa Dubai... I have to show her that I am okay... that I do have plans to living until Christmas... it assured her that I was to fight back... 

Nasabi na niya sa akin na she wouldn't be able to give me an Iphone for Christmas... Okay lang... I understand naman...

I don't like this weather... actually, my body almost can't stand this weather... lamigin kasi talaga ako... kahit sa beach pagsummer... paggabi... talagang nanginginig ako... grabe, at tipong magkakasakit na ko... panlaban ko na lang... foods... masabaw na food... bulalo... nilaga... sinigang... 

Gusto ko ng bulalo... sa Tagaytay... kahit sabaw lang at yung gulay niya... soysauce na may kalamansi... dami rice!!! 

Takaw ko... kaya di ako worried sa pagcough ko ng blood at yung lagnat ko ng hapon eh... kasi ang takaw ko... actually before din... siguro di ako papa-ospital if kumakain pa ko... eh di na ko kain, at suka ako ng suka... otherwise... hay naku, di ako papaospital... kasi I know, kahit anong inom mo ng gamot kung di ka kumain... no use... mas okay na, kahit wala kang gamot, as long as takaw ikaw... at least, yun yung logic ko...

Anyway, nagbirthday ako sa ospital... I was confined sa RITM May 27... I was release June 10... June 3 birthday ko... It was a good birthday... for the first time my mom and dad was there... so it was saya, and at some point, parang everything was blessing in disguise... sabi nga ni mama, as much as she was so happy for me... para yatang sobra-sobra yung kapalit... kasi I had to suffer so much to have that... a birthday na nandyan yung parents ko... kulang lang talaga yung kapatid ko...

Now,gumising ako ng 12 midnight, woke my mom and told her, kape kami... and that I just want us to sit and share a nice cup of coffee... tipong commercial lang ng kape... my mom freaked out...  kasi daw I looked so serene that night... I was glowing pa daw kasi... specially my eyes... so akala niya, nagpapaalam na ko...

Pero kasi yun lang yung gusto ko... okay na ko dun... well, I always love spaghetti, pero yun... gusto ko ganun lang... and actually, that is what I want for Christmas... I really want my mom home for Christmas... and ganun lang kaming tatlo ng kapatid ko... coffee lang kami sa bed... siguro may bread... I love cheese... so yun... ganun lang... 

Well, I am still open for an Iphone... 

I missed my mom so much... ewan ko, masyado akong emotional lately... well, kasi siguro may realization na kasi ako that life is fragile... baka kasi last Christmas ko na 'to... and, actually, di ko na rin matandaan na nagkasama kami ng Christmas...

So yun... pero medyo di yata pwede... kasi nga we are struggling with money... 

Sad... well, yah... but then as always... palagi lang ikontento... I have my brother...

don't look at the feet... nor the hands...

You look at the nose... promise... the shape, on how thick or thin it is... you can just imagine... it is accurate, unless retokado ang ilong ng bakla...

You see, yan ang alam ko... and even if... I still won't consider myself an expert... I can give you almost sound advise about it... but when it comes to HIV/AIDS... even pre-counseling and post counseling... I am not the best guy to talk to... Kalandian lang alam ko...

Yes, this blog chronicles my... not life... parang may finality kasi pag life... but journey as a PLHIV... as far as remember... I started this blog suspected pa lang ako... and that I write about what I learn, what I am told... and my experience... but this is hardly a reference literature for anyone who is going to be on the same road... don't... please...

Not that I am closing my doors... or that I am not willing to help... you can still call on me... but more likely, I would refer you to a group of guys sa twitter... add niyo lang ako @casuallypositiv or email me: casuallypositive@gmail.com, but I am telling you, I am to refer you to someone else, someone who can better help you... ako taga aliw lang... lalandiin lang kita... but I won't take your life and place it on my hand... you are looking at a very clumsy hand here... pretty, but clumsy hand... oo, pretty talaga!!!

And just to reiterate, just on top of my head... when he is about the cum... or you are about to cum... stop... if you have to pinch the back of the head, do so, to calm it down... when it's calm down... work it up again... and again stop... do it over and over again... result: continuous male orgasm... you would love it... if you do it to your partner, he won't forget you, ever...

That is the scenic Mt. Mayon Volcano on my backdrop...

Luka-luka kasi ako, dapat advocacy ko anything that have something to do with HIV Aids, specially prevention... pero 'eto ako... Philippine Tourism ang promote ko... hehehehehehehehehe... bakit, bawal? Eh madami ng blog na ganun eh... and they know better... so hayaan ko na lang sila dyan...dito ko sa Philippine Tourism...

Anyhow, supposedly, my interview ako yesterday sa Ortigas... sa Centerpoint Building, Garnet Rd... sabi ni Gurlalu na naginterview sa akin over the phone, five blocks from Megamall... Checked ko sa google maps--tech!!!--di kasi ako familiar masyado sa Ortigas Center, kahit malapit pa siya... and yun... limang kanto nga siya... lalakarin ko... Okay, sige, titiisin ko yung sakit ng paa ko--may neuropathy pa kasi ako... gabapantin and neurobion seemed not working... pero yun nga, for the past days lalagnat ako and yun nga yung concern dun sa blood--read previous posts... so dasal ako... kasi di rin naman ako sure if I could work na... I don't know kung kaya ko ng mastress ng todo-todo... so hingi ako ng sign if i should go or not dun sa interview... 

It rained... it rained all morning...

Naawa na kasi ako kay mama... we barely can't make ends meet... so I was willing to go out na there and work... despite my neuropathy, despite not being sure if my body can handle stress na... tinanong nga ako ni mama if kung kaya ko na ba... sabi ko kailangan kayanin ko...pero ito nga, umulan... so dasal ako, eh paano na kasi...? 

My brother received a call, it's from a call center company, I sent din kasi his resume... and he was invited in... sa Makati, medyo malayo... pero sige na... bawal maging choosy...

Then I was giving him some pointers... una, the written test is usually logic, reading comprehension, internet navigation, and listening skills... 

If you pass the written exams... interview ulit... sa interview aside from well you have to speak English... dapat you make them know you are willing to learn, if you don't know something, asked or research on it... and that you are a fast learner...

I remember, sa first call center ko, in my initial interview, I was asked to describe to a blind girl that the balloon is colored perry winkle... I don't know what perry winkle was... and that I asked my interviewer what it is... I thought that cost me the job but apparently she liked it that I asked at di nagdunong-dunongan... if you don't know something, find out about it... ask questions...

And that, you must make your interviewer feel na you are eager to work and that you are hard working, tipong harangan ka man ng sibat, bumagyo, lumindol, papasok ka pa rin sa opisina...

Okay lang na medyo kinakabahan ka and admit it to your interviewer, they would understand that... okay lang yan, basta you can articulate yourself in English...

I was told before na one main stay question sa interview is why you want to work for their company... and ang sagot, kasi you heard that they have good compensation package... palaging correct ang sagot na yan... hehehehehehehe... kahit na in my case, the reason is usually kasi sila unang tumawag... palaging ganun ako... 3 call center, palaging sila yung una kasi tumawag...

I have never been a sales person... pero kung yung program na paglalagyan sa'yo sale program, one tanong is how would you sell something... usually something weird... like bagoong flavored candy... you don't try to sell it really, just tell them that you would study the product, know what it's for, highlight it's advantages and try to downplay it's disadvantages... 

Yun, I don't have an American accent, di naman na siya masyadong required... specially now na pwede mo na sabihin na you are outside the US, that you are in the Philippines... ako, sosyal, European daw... akala ko complement... di pala... hehehehehehehehehe... pero at least, di "are you from India?" hahahahahaha...

We were eating dinner

And I asked my brother, what if bigla akong mamatay... ano gagawin niya...? He joked about calling our father telling him na masosolo na niya ang mana... to which I countered di na siya pamamanahan kasi lalabas na pinabayaan niya ko na paborito niyang anak...

Totoo... ako favorite... hehehehehehehehe...

Pero seriously, sabi niya unang tatawagan niya sila mommy... tita namin, kapatid ni mama, sa probinsya... then siguro si papa daw... di niya alam kung paano daw niya sasabihin kay mama kasi kung nagkataon...

Actually yun din worry ko... how would my mom take it...

Di naman sa nagiging negative ako... but I have to prepare my family to the eventuality... kasi, we will never know... bigla na lang ako madadapoan ng sakit na malala... di ba... so... really...

By the way, my mom doesn't know it pa... 

And then I started telling him... nagbilin na ko... una, wag akong ipapaembalsamo... at ayoko rin ng kabaong... ipapacremate ako... kung kailangan may hintayin, like si mama o si papa, tipong gusto muna nila ako makita, sa morgue na muna ko... ayoko ng wake pa... yung lamay-lamay at yung tipong sisilipin yung bangkay ko, at magcocomment ng ewan... hay naku... and baka magtsismis pa...  wag na... cremate na lang nila ko... 

Sabi ko pa sa kanya... kailangan masunod lahat yan kungdi mumultohin ko siya... hihilahin ko talaga paa niya... hehehehehehehe...

I did tell the doctor about it...

about the blood... I told her everything... lalo na yung kung gaano karami... more than a spoonful na siya... the last time I was at RITM, when I got a refill... but yun nga since other than that wala ako nararamdaman... no fever, no lost of appetite, no shortness of breath... nothing, so sabi niya baka may gasgas lang daw sa throat or something... kasi nga yun, otherwise, lalaganat na ako...

Ganun din sabi ni Dr. Ditangko when I texted her... I even asked kung may test ba ko na pwede itake to determine where the blood was coming from... sabi niya wala naman... 

Then the other day... wala si brother, umuwi ng province... naisipan kong maglinis ng room at magreaarange... after, nilagnat ako... 38.1 lang naman temperature ko... okay lang sa akin yan... you are talking to someone na kahit 39.5+ na temperature eh nakakatayo at nakakapaglakad pa ng walang kaprobleproblema... belib nga sa akin mga nurses ko before nung naconfine ako sa RITM... ang tindi ko daw... mataas lang talaga tolerance ko sa pain... kaht yung mga gamot na iniinject sa IV... yung ibang paseyente daw tumitili sa sakit... ako, okay lang...

Akala ko, nastress lang ako... o napagod lang ako ng sobra... nagbuhat-buhat kasi ako... pero the next day, kahapon... nilagnat ulit ako... about the same time... and ganun pa rin... so medyo worried ako... according kasi to what I read... mataas ang relapse rate ng TB with PLHIV... kahit na di mo pinabayaan ang paginom ng gamot...

Baka kasi, matagal na pala ako nagfefever, di ko lang iniinda...

Ewan...

Ang yummy niya 'no...?

Hay naku... kung wala lang talaga akong sakit... patay kang bata ka... kahit saan ka pa... dadayhin kita... dapat kasi di na ko tumatambay sa planetromeo... message niya ko... wants to get to know me daw... shit!!!

Reply ako ng smiley... 

Eh ano...? Paano...? Lead on the guy... lead myself on...? Until the point that I have to tell him...? Deception can really be brutal, specially if you don't mean to, you were just afraid...

We were silent

I was silent...

His eyes down... 

How does it really ends...

Would someone shout, "cut" and off t the next scene...

No, this is real life...

He then said... I guess, he thought he needed to say more...

"I never felt that you needed me...?"

I stayed silent... as if I had not heard him... or that it could be construed as I am in complete agreement...

Earlier... he said he have met someone... and that he was nice... and that he felt nice being with that someone... and that he wanted to be with that someone... they have been with each other...

I just nodded... bitterly, I smiled... but I stayed silent...

Not a word from me, I guess he thought he should say some more... or that, he feared the deafening silence... he patronized me... telling me he does not deserve me, I deserve better... it was not me... it was all him...

I never needed him... I don't need him to get by everyday... I don't need him to live... i don't need him to be happy... I don't need him for anything... I just wanted him... him, with all his quirkiness... I never needed him... I just wanted him... I love him that way... not because he was giving me something... I just love him...

And I love him that much... I am not going to stand on his way... I wanted him to be happy... he said he was nice... and that he was happy with him... No, I won't stand on his way...

"I have nothing more to say... forgive me...?"

Hurt... not anger... it should have been instantaneous... I guess I was afraid of that, that's why I stood there silent... hurt... I didn't want to feel anger...

I looked him in the eyes... I knew my eyes wouldn't hide  me wanting to plea for him to stay... I looked away... 

He walked away...

just on top of my head...

If you smoke... or take in lots of medications... like me now, 6 different meds everyday... drink apple or pineapple juice... apple juice would be preferred pero kasi hindi siya ganun ka common unlike pineapple juice... it would enhance the taste...

Hahahahahahahaha...

I don't swallow... I won't even let you cum in my mouth... not in my body...

Ew...! 

Arte!!!

hahahahahahaha..

Pero dami na ako naka-do nun na gusto facial... syempre, pinagbigyan ko...

hahahahahahahahahaha...

To what I know... ewan ko ha... not really sure... HIV won't even be able to survive your saliva much more the acids in your digestive system... HIV compared to other virus is pretty much weakling outside a human body, di siya tulad ng mga ibang airborne virus... yun nga lang kung tipong may open wound ka sa mouth, singaw? yun... but otherwise, correct me if I am wrong... di ka maiinfect... di ko isusugal if I were you... but that is what I know...

This is bad literature, bad literature!!!

I am good in bed... great even... I have reasons to believe that... sabi nila masarap ako eh... hahahahahahaha... and plus the fact that I am versa... not versa-top... not versa-bottom... but versa... but most of the time, I always turn out to be top... and I always yearn to get bottomed... I don't know, something in me yata, screams TOP!!! hmf!!!

Hahahahahahahahahahaha

Pero yun nga, guys... because I enjoy being top as much as getting bottom, I know basically both sides... I know how I want it done... tulad ng...

I want it deep long strokes... alam mo yung ipapasok lahat, then dahan-dahan hihilahin lahat palabas, hangang ga-ulo na lang natira sa loon, then ipapasok ulit ng boung bou... ewan ko lang kung di ka mapahalinghing sa sarap... promise! 

hahahahahahahahahahaha

But the ultimate secret I think for it to be good... is not to have sex... but make love... kahit one night stand lang yan... when you get into bed with someone... kahit group sex pa yan... you make the other party believe, convince him that you love him... you don't say it... but show him... look into his eyes... and make him feel it with how you touch him... show him how much you want him and that you have waited for him your whole life... and that you would be glad to die tomorrow if that is the price of kissing him again...

One thing I have learned... well, di ko gusto yung inuupoan or ako yung uupo... you know... top guy laying on his back, tapos uupo ka sa kanya... di ko trip yun... regardless nga kung ako yung top or bottom... but... if you are to do that... don't just make kembot... young igigiling mo lang katawan mo... minsan nga masakit pagganun eh sa part ng top... what you do is, lift yourself up and down... promise, ewan ko lng kung di mabaliw si top sa'yo!!!

Ayan... sounds dunong dunongan na naman me... hay naku...

Bad literature! Bad literature!!!

Oh, please... repeat after me...

NO, IF NO CONDOM!!!

Kapish!!!

sineryoso ko silang lahat...

Mind you... sure, aaminin ko, I have slept around... jump from one bed to another... loved threesome and group fun... sabi nila malibog daw ako... hmmmmm... hehehehehehehehehehe... I bet they enjoyed it... but I am telling you... never had I cheated to anyone of them... and that i was dutiful boyfriend...

Although yun yata kasi... may mga expectations kasi ako sa mga karelasyon ko, which they fail to meet... actually they are not expectations... para kasi sa akin, given na dapat... given na dapat since tayo eh nagpapaalam ka kung may pupuntahan ka... given na dapat na gusto mo ko makita palagi... or maalala mo akong matawagan... or at least matext man lang... di ba...? small things... pero medyo particular ako dun...

I could actually do without sex... I won't have it... pero kung di talaga pwede, okay lang... I would constantly remind you that I am hot and I could have someone without even lifting a finger... but I would stay faithful... I have always been faithful... until the end...

That another thing... I had always given them that privilege... to end it with me... this despite that never had I initiated a relationship... palaging sila ang nagpursue sa akin, convince me to be in a relationship with them... Yes, ako na si Rapunzel... 

And for some reason, either bottom sila, or versa-bottom... yung charm ko, palaging sa kanila lang... wala nagpropose sa akin before na pure top... ewan... I don't look fuck-able yata... hahahahahhahaha...

IMAGE 010

HIDEO MURAOKA

No, we don't trust you

Mainly because you have history of lying... remember, she promised she won't run, but she did...

No, we should not pity her... hundred of thousands of our kababayan is suffering from some illness and whatnot who can't even afford health care... and I know, you have been to PGH... to other government hospitals... I dare her to stay at least 1 night in a government hospital, I dare her!!!

Cut the crap, you can afford a private plane... everybody knows that...

But neither do I find De Lima sexy... I would advise her to dye her hair blonde, damn she's dumb... not really wise to stand against the supreme court... she knew na-isahan siya...  she failed to consider na most of the justices are appointee of the former president... like really...

Plus, she should had known... the watch list was weak and won't hold without a filed case... com'on!!!

And Topacio, we are not interested with your balls... Midas Marquez, on the other hand... Yes!Yes!Yes!

Rainy Morning...

Still no improvement with the condition of my feet... 4th day on Gabapantin and Neurobion...

I did plan to go to Philhealth today and finally get over and done with it... I was told time and again about how important to maintain it... but... well, my feet hurt... and it was raining... but as if my mom was monitoring me through a crystal ball in Dubai, she texted me to tell me to take care of my Philhealth and SSS already...

Kasi natigil yung hulog ko nung magkasakit ako... no work, no pay kasi... so yun... although nagamit ko pa siya then... yung hospital bill went up to 33 thousand, sinagot naman ng Philhealth 13k... bringing down to 20 thou... and we submitted kasi receipt nung mga gamot na binili sa labas... we could refund it daw, abot 3 thousand din yun... pero up to now... ewan ko na kung ano nangyari...

Now with my SSS... problematic ang lintik... month before I got really sick, bigla akong ine-mail ng HR na mali daw ang SSS number ko na sinubmit... this is after 3 years of working there... di ba, luka-luka!!! And so I checked with SSS, and indeed wala nga yung SSS number... and when we search... mali yung spelling ng pangalan ko and that more than a year na di nahuhulogan yung SSS ko, this despite na buwan-buwan naman akong nakakaltasan... and up to now, di pa naayos... yung pangalan I think madali lang, but yung contribution, kailangan ko pang habolin...

So yun... I decided na maglunch kami Sta Lucia Mall, kasi sa likod sa may Brickroad... may office ng Philhealth... pero when we got there, it was people, haba ng pila... so I decided balik na lang ako tomorrow... early morning, we live near... one tricycle ride near...

Now I do plan to invade na may old company... asked them to take me back... beg even... but if really not... it does look bleak...  If so would be the case, then I would wage war with the HR people because of my SSS...

When we got home from Philhealth... I went to continue watching "Games of Thrones"... I started it yesterday... and I can't stop watching it... it was really, really good... grabe...! You should watch it... ewan ko if it is still running at HBO... but if you see a pirated copy... go buy it... ang ganda!!!